Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

adouglasmhor

Rob mate, it's a well known thing with parents of kids with neurological disorders or disabilities that they go through a process not unlike grief, devastated is Bitsy's way of describing her experience and who are we to say how she felt.

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Which is precisely the point I have made several times about whether to tell my husband or not. Selfish of me if I tell him but also unselfish as forewarned is forearmed. I have across several posts from people who suspect their children of being gay from an early age and so when they eventually come out because they have always suspected it then they are in a better place to help their child. That is what I mean if my husband is prepared then we just sit back and let our son tell us in his own time.

Initially I called it experimentation and I thought his comment about not knowing his orientation but possibly bi meant that he was straight poss bi but now I have thought about it more and thought about what was said I think possibly he was say gay poss bi.

telling your husband does not make you selfish not telling him does not make you unselfish ,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT YOUR SONS SEXUALITY ETC AND THERFORE ARE NOT KEEPING ANYTHING FROM YOUR HUSBAND!

stop worrying about what your husband will or won't say if his son turns out to be gay/bi and start looking after your son and making sure that whatver his "choices" are in life you will be there for him and he knows that.

duchy

That's true -you go through a kind of grieving process for the child you expected to have -your expectations are utterly turned on their head.............I didn't find it devestating personally but it is a sad time. Today he went off to uni-3 years later than his peers but he's made it-so like the OP things didn't go according to plan but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing that my expectations were met in a different way to how I fondly imagined when he was a baby. Many things don't go as we expect in life for our children be it disability, relationships, grandchildren, education or career -but just because it didn't goas we expected doesn't mean it's a loss to mourn.

Bitsy_Beans

adouglasmhor wrote: »

Rob mate, it's a well known thing with parents of kids with neurological disorders or disabilities that they go through a process not unlike grief, devastated is Bitsy's way of describing her experience and who are we to say how she felt.

Thank you

Looking back now it seems really over dramatical but it felt like I'd lost the child I was expecting to grow up.

daisiegg

bazra wrote: »

You'll have to take that up with the Government. I don't make the laws.

Being concerned and invasion of privacy are very different. My sister is 'concerned' about my 18 year old neice's eating disorder but she wouldn't dream of reading her private business behind her back. It shows a lack of respect.

I never said it was ok for her to read his private messages. I was referring to the comments about 'it's an adult's sex life, it's none of your business, you have no right to be concerned'.

daisiegg

bazra wrote: »

Actually, as we are being pedantic i'll play.

You know exactly what i mean. In the eyes of the law when you reach 18 you are considered an adult. Symantics make no difference to that fact. An 18 year old in full time education & reciept of child benefit would be tried in a court of law just the same as an 18 year old who is not in full time education & reciept of child benefit.


So there. *minces off cos all gays are camp*

You clearly don't know what I mean. No one is talking about courts of law. We're talking about a mother being worried about her child, and I am arguing that even though he may just be turning 18, it's still ok for her to worry about him. He is still her child. In terms of day to day business - courts of law aside - nothing is different now than when he was 17 or even 16 or 15, really. He still lives under her roof, she still receives child benefit for him, he still goes to school, his school will still have parents' evenings to discuss his progress with his mother, she still supports him financially, and I'm sure he hasn't suddenly matured into a sensible adult overnight on his birthday. At this stage, he is still very much her child and still needs guidance and support, not being left to get on with it because he happens to be quite old in his school year and so has just about turned 18.

Person_one

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Which is precisely the point I have made several times about whether to tell my husband or not. Selfish of me if I tell him but also unselfish as forewarned is forearmed. I have across several posts from people who suspect their children of being gay from an early age and so when they eventually come out because they have always suspected it then they are in a better place to help their child. That is what I mean if my husband is prepared then we just sit back and let our son tell us in his own time.

It would be hugely inappropriate for you to 'forewarn' your husband without your son's permission and before he's even opened up to you about it.

What if he never wants to tell his dad? You can't take the choice away from him.

If he comes out to you, then you can start to talk to him about his dad and how he wants to handle telling him. Whatever he says though you have to respect his wishes.

ViolaLass

I don't buy that a mother can't have a conversation with her husband along the lines of "How would we feel if it turned out our son was gay?" That said, I can understand why you might choose not to have that conversation when your husband is in another country, in the army and (I assume) you don't get that much time to talk to him.

Seanymph

I don't think it matters where your husband is, if you are in such a mess about something surely he should be someone you can communicate with and turn to?

he may tell her she was wrong to look - or not. He may or may not be concerned about the possiblity their child is gay. He may even be upset alongside her.

But geography shouldn't stop her telling him she is upset.

Businessgirl

Troubled Mum...

Ok, look I don't think you are a bad mum.

MSE is possibly not the greatest place for this discussion because it is a bit off topic...I mean, this isn't going to break the bank or anything.

I'm going to make a suggestion here. If you need to talk to someone, perhaps a counsellor will help? Your GP surgery may have one. Because I think it is fair comment that this is a big turn around and a big shock for you.

Other than that, having been on the other side of the fence, here is my suggestion.

Talk to your son. Tell him what happened. Be honest. And tell him you shouldn't have read it but you did. Tell him you are sorry. Tell him you are not sorry you found out because you love him no matter what and will support him no matter what.

Clear the air.

Give him a safe place to come to when he needs to. Tell him no matter what he decides, you will love him the same.

Before dad comes home, talk with your son about the options. Give him a choice in the matter.

This doesn't have to end badly, in fact this could bring you closer together and show you to be extremely trustworthy in your sons eyes.

If he does face homophobia then, he has a safe place to come. He doesn't have to face it on his own because he thinks you don't know and won't accept him. He knows where he stands with you. You will then be able to help him access support, though yours will be the most important.

Love him with your actions.

Other than that, this does not have to consume you. It sounds like you are going through a pretty stressful time all the way around...take a step back, breathe, and come back to the thing that will preserve your relationships with your son...open, honest communication.

Show integrity with this, and it will pay in spades going forward.

Tell him it was a shock maybe, but tell him you don't care either way, you will love and support him the same. Give him a way out before its a huge thing that comes between you.

This discovery could be the very thing that brings you closer than ever before.

Let him know where he stands with you, let him make the decision who to tell, its his decision, and let him know you think it is best his dad does know...but make sure he knows, no matter what his dads reaction...you love him the same and support him the same. Maybe this experience can help you to explain to him what his fathers reaction may be and why...because you know how much the shock can rock your world.

I think, whilst you shouldn't have read the messages, something good can still come out of it. Just my two pence.