Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

Fire_Fox

daisiegg wrote: »

People have been arguing that just because he's 18 (barely, and still at school) his mother has no right to be concerned about him. I think that is ridiculous.

Nobody has said that at all, read the thread. People have said she has no right to invade his privacy by looking at his private messages on Facebook and no right to further invade his privacy by telling his father what she found. We've also corrected many of her erroneous beliefs about the lifestyle and pressures a gay person is likely to face. I still don't understand why she doesn't have a confidential chat to one of her gay friends if she needs a 'shoulder to cry on'.

daisiegg wrote: »

You clearly don't know what I mean. No one is talking about courts of law. We're talking about a mother being worried about her child, and I am arguing that even though he may just be turning 18, it's still ok for her to worry about him. He is still her child. In terms of day to day business - courts of law aside - nothing is different now than when he was 17 or even 16 or 15, really. He still lives under her roof, she still receives child benefit for him, he still goes to school, his school will still have parents' evenings to discuss his progress with his mother, she still supports him financially, and I'm sure he hasn't suddenly matured into a sensible adult overnight on his birthday. At this stage, he is still very much her child and still needs guidance and support, not being left to get on with it because he happens to be quite old in his school year and so has just about turned 18.

Except as we have already gone over the OP didn't say she was worried or concerned until well into the thread, she used other language which doesn't mean the same thing at all. If you are worried about an adult child/ nearly adult child's drinking you sit them down for a parental chat. You can't give him guidance and support by trying to hide the fact that you totally invaded his privacy, so if you think he needs that you should be encouraging the OP to 'fess up. What this young man is doing is neither illegal nor immoral, it doesn't even sound like he's having a tough time over his sexuality, does he need his parents interfering?

[Deleted User]

Ok, far to many points for me to address on my phone. I will be back later but suffice to say a lot of people ate skim reading and missing several things that I have already said.

Errata

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Nobody has said that at all, read the thread. People have said she has no right to invade his privacy by looking at his private messages on Facebook and no right to further invade his privacy by telling his father what she found. We've also corrected many of her erroneous beliefs about the lifestyle and pressures a gay person is likely to face. I still don't understand why she doesn't have a confidential chat to one of her gay friends if she needs a 'shoulder to cry on'.



Except as we have already gone over the OP didn't say she was worried or concerned until well into the thread, she used other language which doesn't mean the same thing at all. If you are worried about an adult child/ nearly adult child's drinking you sit them down for a parental chat. You can't give him guidance and support by trying to hide the fact that you totally invaded his privacy, so if you think he needs that you should be encouraging the OP to 'fess up. What this young man is doing is neither illegal nor immoral, it doesn't even sound like he's having a tough time over his sexuality, does he need his parents interfering?

It's also perfectly natural and normal and quite common.

[Deleted User]

duchy wrote: »

So your son gave you his FB passwords -or did you view them without his permission ? This has already been addressed his FB was left open.

Listen your son is NOT a child anymore-he's an adult -you need to stop snooping on him and allow him to grow up his own person.

You are claiming to worry about telling your husband -WHAT are you worried about ? Telling him you've spied on your son or that he may be unsure of his sexuality and is experimenting ? Nwither, the 'concern' I have is whether to tell him something that may or may not happen, at the same time if it does happen then he will aware of the situation and better able to help our son when and if he comes out.

As for worrying about him coming to tell you. I have gay friends who were sexually active with same sex partners in their teens who had good and open relationships with their parents but opted to wait years before telling them (usually once they were in a stable long term relationship) so you really need to be coming to terms with your son's adulthood and what is and isn't his private business as you could be years waiting for the "official announcement"

Again already addressed, I have already said that he may not come out to us until he is in a position where he wants to introduce us to a life partner.

I do wonder if all the drama you are projecting is about your own feelings (both about letting go of your son as he moves into adulthood and your limited knowledge of gay lifestyle like not realizing many gay men aren't in the least bit camp) or if you believe your husband will react badly as you believe he is at worst homophobic and at best ambivalent towards gay men ?

Again, I have already said I am not worried about my husband being angry or cutting my son off. My son has not done anything wrong however, if like me my husband has no idea then it will come as a shock to him as it has to me. Hell, for all I know my husband may have a suspicion about him who knows.

I think you've realized by now that the majority of posters seem to feel that your reaction isn't normal and that you were clutching at straws trying to justify your reaction by quoting bigoted Christian websites. Why not look at sites for normal people-not religious zealots .

I didn't go looking for bigoted Christian websites, I arrived their via PFLAG which was recommended on here. I was just shocked about how these parents were reacting to their children. Demanding they seek help, calling them sick, saying they were disgusted etc.

The important thing to remember is that it really really doesn't matter if your son is having sex with a man or a woman -what matters is that he is the same person you raised -just a little more independent and private than he was. He has the same smile, the same morals, levels of honesty , good heart-whatever.

Totally agree with you.

Years ago I worked in a company where I was the only straight woman -the other nine were all male and gay. Some were camp, some were "straight" looking and acting. One weekend most of the guys were attending a gay pride march and one of the others told me he wasn't going-when I asked why he said "Because ...Being gay is one aspect of who I am -it is not the whole picture and there are many more important factors who make me the man I am " and he was so RIGHT ! Your son could join the army, be a rock climber or a boxer rather than develop an interest in theatre or have posters of Judy Garland or Audrey Hepburn on his walls -none of these would make him any more or less gay or straight !!

Totally agree with you.

Thank you for your post.

[Deleted User]

Seanymph wrote: »

I wouldn't want to be dealing with something like this and be unable to lean on my OH for support and for us to deal with it together.

Are you sure your relationship isn't strong enough for him to be there fr you?

Yes it is, but I don't think it's fair to tell him something like this when he is so far away.

[Deleted User]

adouglasmhor wrote: »

Rob mate, it's a well known thing with parents of kids with neurological disorders or disabilities that they go through a process not unlike grief, devastated is Bitsy's way of describing her experience and who are we to say how she felt.

Please know that I am no way comparing my situation to Bitsy or to any other parent who has a child who is ill, or my friends who have lost their children and one who is soon to lose her child. There is no comparison, my son is still fit and healthy, happy with a great future ahead of him. However, the same highlighted sentence applies to me. I was just trying to describe how I felt when I found out.

Wickedkitten

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Which is precisely the point I have made several times about whether to tell my husband or not. Selfish of me if I tell him but also unselfish as forewarned is forearmed. I have across several posts from people who suspect their children of being gay from an early age and so when they eventually come out because they have always suspected it then they are in a better place to help their child. That is what I mean if my husband is prepared then we just sit back and let our son tell us in his own time.

Initially I called it experimentation and I thought his comment about not knowing his orientation but possibly bi meant that he was straight poss bi but now I have thought about it more and thought about what was said I think possibly he was say gay poss bi.

Please please don’t. For every person that has thought their child has been gay, there has been one that has found out that wasn’t t actually the case and it really isn’t your place to tell your husband

jellyhead

My 16 year old left his facebook open on my laptop today. I can only imagine how he'd feel if I read his private messages, especially if they talked about oral sex. I think I'd feel shocked, regardless of which gender he was having oral sex with ... he's my baby, lol!

cottonhead

Regards telling your husband. I can understand that this is a big shock to you and you feel the need to discuss it and get support. However what your son is doing is not illegal and he is your baby but yet he is a consenting adult. He needs to decide if and when he will tell people. You wouldnt sit your son down and talk to him about your sex life so I doubt very much he would want to tell you about his - regardless of if he is having sex with girls or boys. You found out by accident. I think you owe it to him to keep it to yourself and actually when he does tell you I wouldnt mention all the stuff you read. He is probably struggling with it himself. Imagine the worry he might have that people might not accept his lifestyle or might turn their back on him. He needs to know he has the love and support of his mum and number one he needs to be able to turn to you and trust you. Some day soon he will be counting on you to be there for him. Put his needs above your own for the moment.

ViolaLass

Wickedkitten wrote: »

Please please don’t. For every person that has thought their child has been gay, there has been one that has found out that wasn’t t actually the case and it really isn’t your place to tell your husband

It's not her place to discuss her son with his father?