Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

plummie2003

Hi, troubled mum, I dont really understand why so many people are attacking you, it is surely natural for have worrys about your children forever.
From personal experience, when I was at university I experimented with girls quite alot, I am 22 and straight now with two children and it genuinely was a phase. I wouldnt have wanted my parents to find out about it, not because I would have been ashamed but there is (despite how far things have come) still a stigma about being gay and there will always be homophobes just like there will always be racists and I totally understand what you are saying about life being more difficult when you are gay, some of my gay and bisexual friends have experienced this, nothing major but little things. However like everyone has said things have come so far forward and he is your son.. so you will always love him no matter what.. as will his dad I am sure.
If you want my personal opinion.. forget about it.. like i said i experimented and my parents never found out, it may well just be a phase but if it hadnt been I would have liked to have had the conversation with my parents in my own time.. i definitely wouldnt tell your husband if you think he will maybe react or be upset, its just unecessary. maybe talk to a close friend etc but remember it might be a phase.. most young men and women these days experiment, and why shouldnt we?
Give him time, he will decide what he wants and will talk to you, and if not you can assume it was a phase, it really isn't uncommon these days to experiment i promise.
Anyway I hope this helps and I am sure you will support him no matter what but give him time, as long as he knows you are there for him, if he is going to talk to you about it, he will but in his own time, I would be really angry if my parents read my facebook messages if i found out about it. remember he might be more hurt that you snooped than you found out what he has been upto.

Wickedkitten

ViolaLass wrote: »

It's not her place to discuss her son with his father?

It is not her place to discuss what her son has not told her about his sexuality with her husband

lostinrates

Wickedkitten wrote: »

It is not her place to discuss what her son has not told her about his sexuality with her husband

I do not have children. But i discuss everything with my husband, albeit often 'in confidence' with the understanding neither of us will blather out side of the marriage 'unit' into the family unit beyond that. This has allowed us to warn each other of impending problems which have meant we were able to present the most helpful face to the family member needing help, (as an example) rather than deal with our own 'shock' of emotions at the same time.

I cannot imagine a marriage I would want to be in where the other person was not my confidante, or I theirs.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

I do not have children. But i discuss everything with my husband, albeit often 'in confidence' with the understanding neither of us will blather out side of the marriage 'unit' into the family unit beyond that. This has allowed us to warn each other of impending problems which have meant we were able to present the most helpful face to the family member needing help, (as an example) rather than deal with our own 'shock' of emotions at the same time.

I cannot imagine a marriage I would want to be in where the other person was not my confidante, or I theirs.

This is information discovered through spying on her son. He hasn't come out, he hasn't talked to her about this, he may have very very good reasons for not wanting his dad to know he's had encounters with men and that should be respected.

Yes, most of the time you can't expect spouses to keep secrets from each other, but there are special circumstances where they should and this is one of them.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

This is information discovered through spying on her son. He hasn't come out, he hasn't talked to her about this, he may have very very good reasons for not wanting his dad to know he's had encounters with men and that should be respected.

Yes, most of the time you can't expect spouses to keep secrets from each other, but there are special circumstances where they should and this is one of them.

I doubt i would spy on a child (not sure, i don't have one) but i have made and shared surmises in confidence with dh on no lesser issues.

Its not shameful to be gay, why act like it is? Its just a thing that might aid their son's comfort should he choose to discuss it with them, if his parents are open to the possibilty. As is clear from the OP's reaction, she was not prepared for this, and now, if her son chooses in the future to say 'mum, i like guys' she can hug him and say 'so do I' not 'omg' or whatever.

Fwiw, inwould not tell my husband while he were on active duty if he werea soldier, but i do tell my dh stuff when he is working away. Neither would i expect my dh to broach the subject with the third party AT ALL. Simply to enable himself to be their for the third party if needed.

I am sure this does not work for every couple, it seems nothing is universally useful, but in our relationship there is no doubt I would be sharing my 'information' (and expecting a dressing down for how the information were received if it had been as in this case, but i would be honest with mybhusband'. Were my husband a violent homophobic bigot then (had i this misfortune to still me married to such a soul) then I might well feel differently.

ViolaLass

Wickedkitten wrote: »

It is not her place to discuss what her son has not told her about his sexuality with her husband

She's his mum, he's his dad. That's precisely what parents are supposed to do. They don't need to approach the son about it.

Wickedkitten

lostinrates wrote: »

I cannot imagine a marriage I would want to be in where the other person was not my confidante, or I theirs.

See, I would usually agree with this, but first of all, this isn't her secret to tell, and second of all, she doesn't even know if he is actually gay.

My son is going to be 14 in November, and unless he actually told me something himself, I wouldn't blab it, because that is for him to tell his father, not me.

hazyjo

I wouldn't be so concerned with sticking a label on him. What if he never decides if he's bi, gay or straight. What if he just meets someone he loves, male or female, and stays with them, or splits up and ends up with someone of the opposite sex to what he's been with.

I wouldn't have the conversation with him asking him what his preference is. I also wouldn't like him to feel he has to be one thing or the other.

Just wait until he's in a position to tell you he's seeing a man or a woman (when that time might come). He might have a whole load of other issues relating to his sexuality/orientation that he's trying to work out and being gay/bi might not actually be what he's trying to come to terms with.

Lots of people end up with someone of the opposite sex only to leave them for a same sex relationship. Happened to a few people I know. Personally, I wouldn't really presume anyone's one thing or the other. Love's a funny thing!

Jx

Valli

daisiegg wrote: »

I don't understand why people keep going on about 'he's 18, he's an adult, leave him alone'. I can assure you, despite the fact they can vote and drive, an 18 year old still at school is NOT an adult. I teach kids that age every day and believe me, they are still children. Yes they have grown up bodies, but they are still at school (as the OP said her son is - my comments wouldn't apply to 18 yr olds who have had full time jobs for 2 years already and live alone etc...) where they are told what to do, follow rules, get told off, can be given detentions! They are still living at home, where they are in the role, if not totally of a child, certainly of a junior member of the family, and are supported financially by their parents. Parents get paid CHILD benefit for 18 yr olds still in full time education. They may look like grown ups but they still have a huge amount of growing up to do and it is absolutely right for a parent to still be concerned, worried, supportive of a young person of that age. If you worked with kids this age every day it would shock you how young, innocent, naive, childish, immature these 'adults' can be. They still need a huge amount of guidance.

Also, all the people talking about how life is not difficult for gay people anymore, you obviously haven't been to my town. I thought exactly the same as you until I taught a play to my GCSE class last year that had a gay character in it. Well over half of the kids in my class were openly homophobic and were not at all shy about expressing hugely homophobic reactions to this character (of course I did my absolute best to teach them that this is very wrong, but what are you going to listen to - what your parents have told you for 16 years or what a teacher tries to tell you after all that?) In teaching PSHEE I come across many similar attitudes from the teenagers I teach. And we don't live in a backwater stuck in the fifties - we are in an affluent area 30 mins from London and the majority of my pupils come from well off, professional, educated families. And these people are instilling homophobic attitudes into their kids. So yes, having experienced that, I would definitely feel concerned about the treatment and attitudes anyone I cared about would face if they were gay. Although as everyone has discussed to death, the words she chose to express her feelings were really unfortunate, I don't think it's so terrible for the OP to feel worried.

Firstly, life is LESS difficult for a gay person now than it was.

Secondly - teaching a class a play with a homosexual character and assuming their reactions are typical is rather foolish - they will display a 'mob' reaction because they were in a group - so, rather than show sympathy - and risk being outed as gay or a gay sympathiser, they would all be 'against' the gay character, possibly parroting reaction to gay people heard at home. On their own they might well have shown a different point of view. And more tolerance.

And parents get paid child benefit for 19 year olds in full time, non-advanced education!