Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

I know at some point in the past my husband and I had a general talk, what would we do if this or that, and I am sure the subject of gay relationships came up. Our response would have been you just deal with it when it happens because at that point it hasn't happened and it is hypothetical so feelings aren't involved. The reality when it happens is a whole different thing, feelings are now activated.

I have been on several sites and I have to say that I have been shocked to the core at some of the things parents have said about their children.

Here's one

Hello my name is Sherry and I have a 19 year old son who just informed me that he was gay/bisexual I really don’t know which one he is because he doesn’t know either. But in any case he’s one of them. I am having a hard time excepting this because I’ve raised both of my boys alone without any help from the father. I’m starting to resent my youngest son because this was now the way it was to turn out..
I feel this was my thanks for struggling to put them both through school and now college and now hey mom I forgot to tell you that I’m bisexual. I resent him because I thought my work was done and I could have my life back and start living. But now I have another obstacle in my way.I am really struggling with this because I’m embarrassed, I’m disgusted and I can’t come to grips with it.
I’m being forced to except his life style. He has moved out and living with friends because I won’t let him bring his friends around me. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to live and do what he wants with his life and I’m being forced to not live mine. How can I come to grips with this without resenting him for putting me through this.

here is another responding to her

Sherry I’m in the same exact boat .When my son was 16 I began to get suspicious regarding certain activities that were going on. I naturally confronted him and he stated that he was bi-sexual.I thought I was going to die. We got into a major argument over this issue. I will never forget that night as long as I live. I was devastated,angry and shocked to think that he was this way. As of late he stated that he doesn’t know what he really is. I live with this issue everyday of my life and it has affected my health to the point where I have to take medication. We were always close and still talk but ever since that night I feel a deep gap between us.
I love my son with all my heart, was always there for him and gave him everything that was within my power. However, I will never except this type of life style,NEVER. It is WRONG, WRONG,WRONG. God made men and women for a reason and a purpose.How can a gay person justify this ???? God loves everyone gay or straight but gay lifestyle I don’t think so.
I pray to God everyday and for everyone who is going through this heartache. I personally am leaving my situation in God’s hands. I don’t know what else to do.
On closing I would like to leave everyone a quote from the Bible. Lev. 18:22 You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.
These are not my words but words from our Creator. The decision is yours to make, it is your life.

and another
I wish there was a website where I could find better moral, Christian-based support. I had originally went to PFLAGs website, and it was obvious that they are all about equality and acceptance… and less about morals and values. While I will always love my 20-year-old daughter who came out to us 6 months ago, I will never APPROVE of her lifestyle. I have learned that there is a distinct difference between accepting and approving. I have to ACCEPT the fact that she is an adult making immoral decisions. I will not approve of those decisions. That, of course, is causing a rift in our relationship. We have met her girlfriend (whom she has moved out and is living with since making this life choice) on two separate occasions. She is a very nice girl, just like our daughter. Unfortunately, they are both confused and influenced by a society that says homosexuality is OK. It is NOT OK!
Kudos to Abbie who quoted Leviticus. God can’t make it any clearer. Homosexuality is WRONG!!! It IS a choice that too many young people are making. We are created in God’s image, for His glory. God doesn’t make mistakes. We CHOOSE to make mistakes.

and again

I too found out about my daughter suposely gay life style, I can not accept it, I will never reconcile it with what I know Jesus is about, I love my daughter but I do not love this deception she is believing from the Devil,, Please pray for her, as I will do for all of you, thank you,NANCY

I am happy to say I don't think like any of these and believe this was just a drop in the ocean of responses. I am still sad but the shock is receding a bit more each day. I will always support and love my son.

i guess all of these are american websites

irrationalactor

Okay, you have to get over your shock and disappointment. If your son ever comes to you and tells you that he is gay or bi, or comes home with a boyfriend, you have to be in a position where you can be just as happy as if he had brought home a girlfriend.

Gay people growing up worry a lot about their parent's reaction, and we all have a responsibility to make the world a place where being gay is no tougher than being straight. That has to start with you.

I got a pretty accepting response when I told my parents, but I still struggled with some of the stereotypes, misconceptions, and assumptions that they had in their head about gay people. Even very subtle things about people's reactions can cause issues because for most people this is a sensitive subject to discuss with family, doubly so if he is living at home.

Get your crying and adjustment out of the way before you let your son see your reaction. Think about some of the great things he might have in his future if he chose to spend it with a man - a son-in-law is just as good as a daughter-in-law, surely?

worried_jim

bazra wrote: »

Yeah, God hates fags etc LOL

Always good for a giggle-

http://www.godhatesfags.com/

Possibly the very worst people on the planet alive today.

Tell your son to move to either Brighton, London or Manchester where he will be welcomed as a fellow human being and very few people will care weather he is tunnel or funnel.

persa

Sometimes, for important reasons, there are things I can't discuss with my OH. A friend may have asked me for advice on the condition of total secrecy, I may have been involved in a confidential project at work, so on, so forth. And I hate it. When you're in a relationship, you want to be able to talk to your OH about anything and everything.

If the OP's husband is in a war zone, I suspect she feels like she can only send him "good news" rather than anything that might cause upset, out of fear of breaking his focus and being the one to jeopardise his safety. That to me sounds like the hardest part of this whole situation, feeling like she can't talk to her OH about the things that she really wants to. I've never been an army wife, but I get the impression that this is causing the OP the most upset at the moment.

OP, whether or not you should have looked, you did. You don't know if your son has been promiscuous and/or is not straight, but you hadn't considered these possibilities before and now they're all you can think about. The fact you feel like you can't talk to your son or OH is probably helping to blow this out of proportion.

You said your son is stressed out with his exams, suggesting he may be aiming to go off to university soon. He'll have plenty of opportunities there to experiment with girls and/or boys, without you ever finding out, so the fear that your son might make choices you don't agree with, is one that you would have had to face soon anyway. Looking at his FB has just accelerated the moment where you need to confront that fear.

I'm sure it's difficult accepting that you are no longer the parent of a small child, but the parent of a grown up who doesn't necessarily need you quite as much any more. You're no longer responsible for looking after your son, he's now his own person.

As to his life potentially being more difficult due to possibly being gay or bisexual, let's face it, you would have found something to worry about anyway. I may be a grown woman, but my mother still frets if she thinks I'm out and about when it gets the slightest bit dark. I kid ye not. If there aren't any big things to worry about in life, you tend to fixate on little things by default and here you're worrying about something that is a complete non-issue. Think about it - this isn't a problem. Your son is still okay. You're all okay. You've been through some tough times before - losing family, cancer scare - this isn't one of those times.

Now might be the time to have a chat with your son, acknowledge that he's old enough to make his own decisions and shouldn't be mummied any more, but if he does ever need to talk about anything, you're still there. In particular, when he goes off to university, you're only a phone call away.

Even if it turns out he isn't straight, he may never want to have that conversation with you. Which is fine, as long as you do everything to make him feel like he could have, if he wanted to.

Could you talk to a friend in real life about how you're feeling? I understand if talking about your son isn't something you want to do until your OH is back in the UK with you, but as that may be some time off, it would be good to talk to a friend. I've often spilled out my heart and soul to my best friend, feeling like the world has ended and she's given me a sense of proportion and helped me see that I've been stressing over nothing important.

savingmummy

I can understand being shocked as it was not obvious to you, BUT if he is then it isnt a huge issue i really don`t see any reason to be `feeling sick/unable to eat etc.

His a young man living his life how he wishes and IF he is bi/gay then support him!

thistledome

Fire_Fox wrote: »

The problem is that happiness or unhappiness are not appropriate emotional responses to someone's sexuality, and not an automatic response by many of us.

What is an appropriate emotional response? Do emotions have to be appropriate? Do you control your emotions or are they all conveniently appropriate already?

Some nice tolerant responses on here from the diversity, equality and tolerance zealots. As per...

thorsoak

Valli wrote: »

'sick to the stomach' is hardly the comment of a supportive parent.

But it is the honest first reaction of a parent - who will support her child regardless of what happens next.

He is still your son, he will still have your love and your support - and you will still have OUR support! xx

jetplane

Oh OP I think you just knocked a big dent in what little credibility you had left by (a) posting other peoples comments and (b) from a god fearing american website. I would not even read that trash never mind quote it and try to justify my reaction by it.

[Deleted User]

I apologise, I have just deleted my last post, I have been trawling the net and what I came across was several websites that detailed all the feelings you should expect to go through and kind of analysing why. And yes, it was everything I am feeling/have been feeling. Which made me realise that what I was feeling was pretty much the norm. Then I came across this other site and I was shocked about some of the comments that these parents were making and yes I guess it also made me feel a bit better because I don't feel this way.

I am not disgusted with my son, I don't think he needs to seek treatment.
I love him and of paramount importance is his happiness but I do want him to eventually settle down and have a loving relationship. I don't care whether that partner is male or female as long as he is happy. I have two siblings, one divorced and lonely the other never managed to find Mr Right and she is also lonely and it really upsets me as I just want them to be happy.

So once again I apologise, I wasn't trying to justify my reaction because I think my reaction was quite normal for someone who has had a major shock and it does not matter what form the shock takes, it is how you and your body cope with it. There have only been three or four occasions in my life where something has shocked and upset me this much and each time I have reacted this way, can't eat, lose weight, can't sleep.

The shock is now receding and at least now when he does come to me I can be able to support him without detracting from him and his feelings by me being upset. I am just not sure now what to do about my husband, do I prepare him just in case but then what if it turns out that it is an experimental phase because I have also read that this is quite normal for young lads. And by all accounts it's not a new metrosexual thing, I have been reading about guys in their 50's that dipped their toe in the water but then were straight for the rest of their lives. I just don't know what to do because part of me wants to prepare my husband and the other wants to protect him. But if I don't prepare him then he will be in shock when he finds out and that will detract from the support we will need to give our son. Flipping heck, I used to be indecisive but now I am not so sure.

melanzana

Anyone over 18 is an adult. Period.

If him living at your home causes a problem, kick him out.

There is no way you can have him living with you if you are so devastated.

If he has moved out, great. You will probably accept it better.

I cannot imagine a parent not accepting their child for what they are. I know it might be difficult at the start though.

Would you prefer your child was a criminal, drug dealer, rapist, arsonist, fraudster?

Being gay is ....eh what these days? Mainstream.. They can do civil partnerships, and have babies too.

What does it fuppin matter. He's your son. Love him. End of.