Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

FunWithFlags

I am not picky just because my opinion does not match yours or because I think you are being ridiculous and overreacting. Re punching the air, and leaping around with happiness, what parent would do this if their child announced they were straight? It doesn't make any sense to apply this to a child announcing they were gay either in the way you are implying.

I think you need to have a closer look at why it has shocked you so much that it seems to be a struggle to "cope with it" on your own. What is there to cope with? I'm glad you have found support here but it boggles my mind that you even need it with this to be honest.

Person_one

OP, I'm starting to understand where you're coming from a bit more. You're right, the person who wrote the passage you quoted really did phrase it much more articulately than you did!

However most of us wish it were different, the sad fact is that gay people still do face a heck of a lot of hatred and discrimination. Not nearly so much in this country as if they were unlucky enough to be born gay in say, Uganda or Iran, but we don't have anything like 100% acceptance yet. Gay men are still attacked and murdered, still discriminated against, still face medieval attitudes everywhere they turn, just have a read of a few threads in DT for evidence of that!

However, if your son is gay, he was always going to be gay. In this day and age and in this country its not nearly as bad as you're imagining and even if it were there's nothing that can be done so there's no point dwelling on your thoughts.

Sexuality doesn't define a person, your son is still be exactly the same person he has always been, nothing has actually changed, you just have a little more information now.

You know what the one single thing that makes dealing with the prejudice easier? A supportive family who love you no matter what you are or what you do and would defend you to the death from it.

FunWithFlags

Person_one wrote: »

Because straight is still considered the default. Nobody has to come out as straight because its assumed you are unless you say differently.

What I was trying to say was that why do people feel they have to announce the gender of the people they are attracted to just because it's not the "default"? Maybe nowdays with people generally being more able to be open about sexuality, it should be assumed that people can be gay, straight or somewhere in between so that people can just be happy and open about their sexuality without having to announce anything or come out because no assumptions had been made that they were "in".

I'm probably not making sense reading that back but I know why I'm trying to say lol!

Person_one

FunWithFlags wrote: »

What I was trying to say was that why do people feel they have to announce the gender of the people they are attracted to just because it's not the "default"? Maybe nowdays with people generally being more able to be open about sexuality, it should be assumed that people can be gay, straight or somewhere in between so that people can just be happy and open about their sexuality without having to announce anything or come out because no assumptions had been made that they were "in".

I'm probably not making sense reading that back but I know why I'm trying to say lol!

No I understand what you mean, but its just not realistic.

People assume that everyone is straight unless they are told differently or it becomes really obvious.

Its not really possible for people to be 'happy and open about their sexuality without having to announce anything' because the first time they make it clear that they're gay it will essentially be an announcement, due to other people's assumptions.

[Deleted User]

FunWithFlags wrote: »

I am not picky just because my opinion does not match yours or because I think you are being ridiculous and overreacting. Re punching the air, and leaping around with happiness, what parent would do this if their child announced they were straight? It doesn't make any sense to apply this to a child announcing they were gay either in the way you are implying.

I think you need to have a closer look at why it has shocked you so much that it seems to be a struggle to "cope with it" on your own. What is there to cope with? I'm glad you have found support here but it boggles my mind that you even need it with this to be honest.

Re punching the air, I am just trying to say that if your child comes out as gay and you have not had an inkling you are not going to be leaping around saying I am so happy my child is gay. You will be happy that they have felt comfortable enough to tell you and you will be happy that they no what they want from laugh and you will be happy that they are comfortable with their own sexuality.

Of course I realise that this would not happen if your child was straight. Please try and understand what I am trying to say above. I have literally just found out and in such a way that I cannot talk about it, it was a shock and I had no idea. That combined with the guilt about how I found out is probably what is making me feel this way.

But please be assured my son will receive nothing but love and support from us if he does eventually come out as gay.

[Deleted User]

Person_one wrote: »

OP, I'm starting to understand where you're coming from a bit more. You're right, the person who wrote the passage you quoted really did phrase it much more articulately than you did!

However most of us wish it were different, the sad fact is that gay people still do face a heck of a lot of hatred and discrimination. Not nearly so much in this country as if they were unlucky enough to be born gay in say, Uganda or Iran, but we don't have anything like 100% acceptance yet. Gay men are still attacked and murdered, still discriminated against, still face medieval attitudes everywhere they turn, just have a read of a few threads in DT for evidence of that!

However, if your son is gay, he was always going to be gay. In this day and age and in this country its not nearly as bad as you're imagining and even if it were there's nothing that can be done so there's no point dwelling on your thoughts.

Sexuality doesn't define a person, your son is still be exactly the same person he has always been, nothing has actually changed, you just have a little more information now.

You know what the one single thing that makes dealing with the prejudice easier? A supportive family who love you no matter what you are or what you do and would defend you to the death from it.

He will most definitely have this.

barbarawright

Isn't the whole 'coming out' thing something that died in the 1980s anyway. Do people still announce it? Why? It wouldn't occur to me to tell friends and family that I'm straight, why should it apply if I'm gay? Unless I wanted them to stop setting me up on innappropriate dates I suppose :rotfl:

Person_one

barbarawright wrote: »

Isn't the whole 'coming out' thing something that died in the 1980s anyway. Do people still announce it? Why? It wouldn't occur to me to tell friends and family that I'm straight, why should it apply if I'm gay? Unless I wanted them to stop setting me up on innappropriate dates I suppose :rotfl:

I suppose its easy for straight people to be so casually dismissive of 'coming out', we'll never have to do it, we're the 'norm'.

barbarawright

Person_one wrote: »

I suppose its easy for straight people to be so casually dismissive of 'coming out', we'll never have to do it, we're the 'norm'.

I'm not being dismissive but I've got gay friends who I guess I must have seen with their first partner but I don't remember any formal 'coming out'. Why not just wait until people notice? After all, until one gets to the bringing them home to meet mum stage, I don't think boyfriends/girlfriends are anything to do with your family. And when you're introduced to a new person, eg at work, nobody mentions sexuality though you often find out later. How did it work for gay people on this thread? (genuinely curious here)

FunWithFlags

Person_one wrote: »

No I understand what you mean, but its just not realistic.

People assume that everyone is straight unless they are told differently or it becomes really obvious.

Its not really possible for people to be 'happy and open about their sexuality without having to announce anything' because the first time they make it clear that they're gay it will essentially be an announcement, due to other people's assumptions.

I do see what you are saying and agree that the first time a child mentions their same sex partner, it would be sort of an announcement. When I say I don't see why an announcement should be made, I think I'm mainly referring to these sitting the parents and family and friends down and saying "mum, dad, John from across the street... I'm gay" type announcements. With the more in passing type "I met a nice same gender person today and we are off for a drink" first mention of sexuality, it's just a natural comment the same way telling your mum you met a nice opposite gender person is.

So now I'm thinking about it, maybe I meant, its a shame people feel they have to announce it so artificially to everyone rather than people naturally noticing (and therefore having a natural announcement) just to give these other people the chance to come to terms with their own feelings about it (like the OP and her shock and grief).

I don't know if that made any sense lol