Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

Errata

It would make more sense and be more helpful if the OP posted on a site for parents of gay children instead of a moneysaving site. I wonder why they chose not to.

Winter_Jasmine

valk_scot wrote: »

You know, I'm indignant about the suggestion that older folk are more bigoted! I suppose some might be but I'm 53, OH is 55 and really, if DS is gay we really, really won't care.

If you're referring to when I asked if the OP was an older Mum - I wasn't suggesting older people are more bigoted at all, just that she might be referring back to how attitudes were when she was her son's age without realising just how unaccceptable most young people find homophobia nowadays

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

It would make more sense and be more helpful if the OP posted on a site for parents of gay children instead of a moneysaving site. I wonder why they chose not to.

Because I regularly post on this site under another name and because there are so many different forums on here I automatically came here. Also I had searched and found a post about bi sexuality and the responses were very supportive. So I felt I could come on here and post.

[Deleted User]

valk_scot wrote: »

You know, I'm indignant about the suggestion that older folk are more bigoted! I suppose some might be but I'm 53, OH is 55 and really, if DS is gay we really, really won't care.

Just for the record too I've had a positive mammogram and waited 10 days for the appontment that gave me the all clear. Yeah, that was worrying. But not half as devastating as when the doctors told me our five year old son had bone cancer, or when he died two years later. That's devastating, trust me...

Anyhow, other DS is now 16. I think we've got a good open relationship, I nag cheerfully at him about homework and spending too much time on facebook and feed him and taxi him around, he tells me most things I think, he usually comes through for a quiet chat if there's something bothering him anyway. He got up about ten minutes ago and as he shambled through to the shower I yelled "Are you gay, dear?" "Don't think so mum" he sez, then asks me why. I told him about this thread. He said (and I quote) "Glad you're not a homophobic !!!!! mum". I asked him if he would be upset if I looked at his open Facebook. "Help yourself" he says, "I tell you most of it anyway".

Also if he ever did tell me he was gay my OH would know in the next ten seconds. DS knows I talk to his dad about him, that's good parenting isn't it? For both parents to discuss any concerns about their kids, in the hope of offering any support or assistance required or requested? I wouldn't betray a confidence obviously but DS just prefers to chat to me as Hubby is often away and then I relay the concise version on.

TBH the best advice I can offer to the OP is to stop standing around and wringing your hands being devastated, go and tell your son that you looked at his open Facebook and that you're a bit concerned at some of what you read there. Start with the binge drinking and unhappiness, that's more important anyway tbh. The gay/not gay is irrelevant, whatever he is it's not going to change and he's just going to have to deal with whatever life throws at him by way of bigotry, same as anything else. I would think though that if your current reaction is how you deal with any other problems in his life he's going to be very wary about opening up to you, no-one wants to have their mum or dad going all drama queen on them when they just want a simple discussion and some unconditional support. "Dreading" them having the normal highs and lows of adult life and relationships is a bit over the top tbh, would you prefer they never had any sort of relationship for fear of disappointment?

I'm typing this btw and a little bell is going off in the back of my brain, you do seem to be over reacting to a lot of things and I'm wondering if it's because you don't have any support yourself? Can't be easy with an OH in the army and away a lot and possibly in danger. Normal home worries must get magnified with no-one to discuss them with and I'm wondering if there's not some stress/depression issues invoved as well? Have you got anyone to talk to there, say your GP or a counciller?

Please please try to understand I am not homophobic, if my son is gay he is gay end of no problem, I love him unconditionally. Your last paragraph though hits the nail on the head. It is hard dealing with things on your own, with the mammogram I was of course able to discuss it with my husband over the phone but wanted I wanted to do was sit and bawl my eyes out but couldn't because the kids would know something was up and my son was starting his GCSE's on the Monday.

If I share it with my husband we can then be prepared and in a position to fully support our son but on the other hand I don't necessarily want to cause my husband upset if it is just experimentation. I understand when people say that they are proud when their children come out because they feel they are relieved that they have a good relationship with their children. But nobody can tell me that when your child tells you they are gay that you would punch the air and go yes, great.

I have friends that have lost children and I have one who is likely to lose hers in the next few years, what I am going through does not compare to them or what you have gone through and I would not dream of trying to. There is so much horror in the world I am constantly moved to tears by some of the things you see in the news.

I hope that I do have a good enough relationship with my son that he will eventually tell us but I think it is early days for him. This has all only happened in the last 5/6 months.

[Deleted User]

saffstar wrote: »

Troubledmum - I think that, initially, your posts did come across as homphobic - it seemed as though your main concern was that your son might be gay.

Since you've had time to calm down it seems, to me, that you had a hell of a shock when you saw your son's Facebook page, but that your reaction probably wouldn't have been much different if he'd been bragging about 'heavy petting' with loads of girls. I think, and by all means correct me if I'm wrong, that you still thought of him as your little boy until a couple of days ago and have very suddenly come to the realisation that he's a sexually active man. Again, this is only my interpretation of what you're saying, but I think your initial devastation and disappointment was because you'd have liked your son to have had a nice, neat and tidy life where he settled down with one partner (at a time at least ). Instead he's having a whale of a time heavy drinking and getting off with all and sundry - I think this would upset most parents!

In your posts yesterday and today, you just come across as a shocked Mum who is worried about how her son will cope with the nastiness that life may or may not throw at him. This is heightened by the fact that you want to talk to him about his sexuality and reassure him that you love him whatever but you can't because of how you found out. This obviously is making you feel guilty and powerless. I think/hope that people's reactions on here (even the ones that upset you) have helped you to start to feel better about how people will react to your son 'in real life'.

I think you are making sense now

Thank you for your lovely post.

I really did not mean to come across as homophobic and tbh he has been doing some pretty heavy petting with girls as well. However, you are right this does highlight how strongly people feel about gay rights etc. however if I had read my post I would not have thought the person was homophobic just in shock.

The type of post that do offend me are like throne I came across on here about someone going to a gay bar not because he was gay but because he might pick up some disgruntled lesbian. This then consisted of lots of homophobic mickey taking comments. That is offensive, not a mother poring her heart out because she has had a shock.

FunWithFlags

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Please please try to understand I am not homophobic, if my son is gay he is gay end of no problem, I love him unconditionally. Your last paragraph though hits the nail on the head. It is hard dealing with things on your own, with the mammogram I was of course able to discuss it with my husband over the ph one but wanted I wanted to do was sit and bawl my eyes out but couldn't because the kids would know something was up and my son was starting his GCSE's on the Monday.

If I share it with my husband we can then be prepared and in a position to fully support our son but on the other hand I don't necessarily want to cause my husband upset if it is just experimentation. I understand when people say that they are proud when their children come out because they feel they are relieved that they have a good relationship with their children. But nobody can tell me that when your child tells you they are gay that you would punch the air and go yes, great.

I have friends that have lost children and I have one who is likely to lose hers in the next few years, what I am going through does not compare to them or what you have gone through and I would not dream of trying to. There is so much horror in the world I am constantly moved to tears by some of the things you see in the news.

I hope that I do have a good enough relationship with my son that he will eventually tell us but I think it is early days for him. This has all only happened in the last 5/6 months.

This part of your post makes me think you are being quite picky and choosy about which posts you are reading on here. Many people have said on here that they wouldn't think anything of being told their child was gay (myself included) as it's not a big deal. You wouldn't punch the air and go yes, great if they were straight so that doesn't make sense anyway. I would be happy that my child had met someone regardless of gender so if I was punching the air and yessing about them meeting someone, then I guess that means I would be doing that if they were gay too.

So yes, somebody can tell you that they would punch the air and say yes. Stop pushing your closed mindedness on other people.

valk_scot

Troubled_mum wrote: »

But nobody can tell me that when your child tells you they are gay that you would punch the air and go yes, great.

Why not? If it's a sign that they feel more confident and complete human beings because they are happy in their sexuality and how they feel about love and relationships...well, what's not great about that? I'd take it as a sign I'd reared a child that was comfortable enough in their own skin to be confident about being open about themselves. And that would be great tbh, whatever they were. There's far too much guilt and pressure and embarrasement and shame and lack of confidence and social expectations associated with sexuality of all types even now. If other people's reactions to someone being confident and happy about their life choice are not great then well, that's the problem tbh.

This thread is not actually about your child's sexuality being a problem. It's about your reactions to his sexuality being a problem. If he's okay about the way he is then it's not for you to be transferring your anxieties and prejudices onto him tbh. You thinking it's "not great" is a sign of it. How can it not be great if he wants it and he's happy with it? Your reactions are your own problem tbh...and I'm wondering, from what you say about your OHs reaction to the condom question, whether you're worried that your OH might say you're over-reacting too? What will happen if your OH simply shrugs his shoulders and says so what, good on the lad? Will you feel unsupported in your anxieties again?

There's few of life's problems that don't feel better after a good cry in the arms of a loved one tbh. But after that, it's still YOUR problem for you to shoulder and work out tbh. You're still going to have to deal with your own bigotry whether your OH was in the next room or not. TBH it would be for the best if your OH does support your lad if all you're going to do is go on about all the percieved negative consequences of his possible homosexuality.

And the worst bit about this? You've been stewing about it for six months? Why didn't you just go and ask him straight out?

[Deleted User]

FunWithFlags wrote: »

This part of your post makes me think you are being quite picky and choosy about which posts you are reading on here. Many people have said on here that they wouldn't think anything of being told their child was gay (myself included) as it's not a big deal. You wouldn't punch the air and go yes, great if they were straight so that doesn't make sense anyway. I would be happy that my child had met someone regardless of gender so if I was punching the air and yessing about them meeting someone, then I guess that means I would be doing that if they were gay too.

So yes, somebody can tell you that they would punch the air and say yes. Stop pushing your closed mindedness on other people.

I am sorry but I think you are being picky and I am not close minded or trying to push it on anyone. If my son comes out as gay and then eventually comes and tells me he has that he has met that special someone the I will be over the moon for him. All I want for my kids is to have a relationship like I have with their father and by that I mean still as much in love after 25 years. Regardless of whether they end up with members of the same sex.

Re punching the air, I am just trying to say that if your child comes out as gay and you have not had an inkling you are not going to be leaping around saying I am so happy my child is gay. You will be happy that they have felt comfortable enough to tell you and you will be happy that they no what they want from laugh and you will be happy that they are comfortable with their own sexuality.

As I said I am upset because I had no idea and it was a shock, I am having to deal with it on my own. I cannot possibly discuss it with him, I am a complete coward in that I would be petrified he would cut off all contact with me. I wouldn't blame him, what I did was very wrong but I only did it out of love, he is very secretive and I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I expected to find things about illicit booze and heavy petting with girls, he is a normal teenage boy with raging hormones and to be honest i would have skimmed across that but no I did not expect to find out about this. I knew there were lots of girls and lots of snogging etc because he told me but he also told me he would be careful and he wasn't about to do anything silly like get a girl pregnant.

I am trying to deal with it in the best ways can and that has been to come on here and try and discuss it. I just did not expect the reaction I have had from many people..

However, there have also been some very lovely people and several who have pm'd me so its not all bad.

[Deleted User]

I really must stop typing on this iPad, to many typos

Person_one

FunWithFlags wrote: »

I do struggle to understand the concept of the child having to come out and tell their parents anyway. Well, I understand it but at the same time I find it a bit odd. I don't expect my child to announce they are straight so why would I expect them to announce they are gay?

Because straight is still considered the default. Nobody has to come out as straight because its assumed you are unless you say differently.