Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

jellyhead

Hopefully the number of us who've said you are over-reacting and that being gay is nothing to be shocked about might reassure you that being gay is widely accepted nowadays? I'm 40 and I honestly don't think anyone younger than me would think it was a big thing.

ickleme

I have just joined due to this story, (have lurked for a while)
I am almost 45 and have been secretly bi for as long as i can remember!! my one big regret is not telling my mum before she passed away!! She was so amazing and helped several of my dearest friends come out...
but i was always scared to tell her...

maybe Op your son is scared to say anything to you.. what about just saying it out front....

[Deleted User]

ickleme wrote: »

I have just joined due to this story, (have lurked for a while)
I am almost 45 and have been secretly bi for as long as i can remember!! my one big regret is not telling my mum before she passed away!! She was so amazing and helped several of my dearest friends come out...
but i was always scared to tell her...

maybe Op your son is scared to say anything to you.. what about just saying it out front....

I am so sorry but take comfort from the fact she will still have loved you either way.

I think for the time being I am just going to let things take their course.

MarilynMonroe_2

Your language doesnt sound like a mother talking about her son to me.

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

I have been looking at some other forums and one mother has managed to describe how I feel. this is just part of a much longer post .

He was 14, and he'd told everyone at school and had had no negative reaction. DH and I said all the right things "It makes no difference.." "We still love you..." blah blah blah, but inside I felt so sad. Not for the perceived loss of grandchildren, but just because I thought/think that his life will be harder than it otherwise would have been.

I feel sad when I see his peers holding hands with their girlfriends, knowing that even in this day and age, it's not safe for DS to do the same. I feel sad that I have to warn him about going into certain parts of the city in case nutters attack him. I feel sad that he's going to come across prejudice and discrimination in the future, and I feel sad that he's going to have to spend his life correcting people's assumptions (if he wants to).

It just makes me feel better to know that someone else understands how I feel as they have expressed it so much better than I have.

can you imagine though how much harder life would be if he felt that his sexuality of which he has no choice over made you feel "sad" and so he decided to hide his sexualtiy and get married because thats what his mother wants for him.
You say sad for him because life is toughter for gay people ... and he will face prejudice and discrimination. SORRY yes discrimnation and prejudice exists but its not everywhere and there is no guarente your son will face this , I also do not see why correcting peoples assumptions will make you sad its a fairly easy conversation it goes like this

so do you have a girlfrined ...no im gay ..

its not a hard coversation and trust me the only people who will find it hard is the person who asked the question as they try to hide their emebarrasement .

I don't think the feeling you have is sadness , i think its worry and its because of your percived ideas that life is somewhat harder for an individual who is LGBT , so i beg you to go and do some research into local gay groups and meet other gay/bi individuals and see how they live and what their lifes are like.

[Deleted User]

robpw2 wrote: »

can you imagine though how much harder life would be if he felt that his sexuality of which he has no choice over made you feel "sad" and so he decided to hide his sexualtiy and get married because thats what his mother wants for him.
You say sad for him because life is toughter for gay people ... and he will face prejudice and discrimination. SORRY yes discrimnation and prejudice exists but its not everywhere and there is no guarente your son will face this , I also do not see why correcting peoples assumptions will make you sad its a fairly easy conversation it goes like this

so do you have a girlfrined ...no im gay ..

its not a hard coversation and trust me the only people who will find it hard is the person who asked the question as they try to hide their emebarrasement .

I don't think the feeling you have is sadness , i think its worry and its because of your percived ideas that life is somewhat harder for an individual who is LGBT , so i beg you to go and do some research into local gay groups and meet other gay/bi individuals and see how they live and what their lifes are like.

I am still not explaining this very well. The highlighted words weren't mine but when I read them they resonated with me. Not of course everything but generally what she said.

Rob, I would never want him to make a choice just to please me, I think you are right in the fact that it may be worry. It is just that I am so overwhelmed at the moment and I am struggling, I have just woken up after just four hours sleep again and I feel sick to the stomach, tbh that could be just because of the lack of sleep but it is accompanied by such a feeling of sadness, grief. I don't know these words may be used in the wrong context I just am at a loss to describe how I feel.

It is not about him marrying and having 2.4 kids, I do hope that he does meet someone male or female because I think eventually all of us want to meet that special someone.

I think the conclusion I am coming to is that the main problem I have at the moment is having to deal with this on my own. I want my husband here to hold me in his arms so I can just sob my heart out and let go. Then I can start to get my self together. But I worry that it might be selfish as it may turn out to be experimentation and I will have upset another person needlessly.

Some people have said its not about me it is about him but you know in a way at the moment it isn't about him because he is unaware that I know. He is a normal sometimes moody but generally happy lad. He has lots of friends, is very popular, he has recently passed his driving test, he has applied for several part time jobs and been offered each one. He has an exciting few years coming up at Uni, hard work no doubt but fun all the same. Life is pretty good for him at the moment. I think he is over the rejection he had but it might be that another lad will come along who he develops a crush on or it might be a girl. It happens to all,of us doesn't it.

You know gay or straight unrequited feelings are always painful to deal with and he is such a private lad that he would not share those feelings either way. So that is hard knowing that he has gone through that not that I would have shared it with my parents either. But it is still sad when you know your child is hurting.

I hope to god I haven't offended anyone again because that is not my intention . I am just trying to talk it through because I have no one else to share it with. The feeling come in waves, one minute I am fine and the next I am struck down with such sadness, worry, grief call it what you will I don't know how to describe it.

But what it is not is upset over him following the 'normal' path. His happiness is paramount and for all my kids this is the time I have dreaded the most, the time of heartbreaks that most young teenagers just stepping out on the path of love go through. I am so in love with my husband but I still remember that feeling of utter grief at the break up of a relationship, that almost keening sense of loss, the waking up in the morning and bam you remember and once again you are stuck in the depths of despair. I know my kids will probably all go through this at some point and I know they will get over it but I still dread it.

Ok I am just rambling now, just pouring everything out in my usual jumbled up and back to front manner. Trust me it drives my kids nuts.

C_Mababejive

I have never felt the need to explain or highlight my sexuality to anyone. Why would I?

As the song goes..

I am what i am and what i am needs no excuses.

I play my own cards sometimes the ace,sometimes the deuces
tum tee tum..

[Deleted User]

C_Mababejive wrote: »

I have never felt the need to explain or highlight my sexuality to anyone. Why would I?

As the song goes..

I am what i am and what i am needs no excuses.

I play my own cards sometimes the ace,sometimes the deuces
tum tee tum..

I have to say some of your posts have made me smile even if you did get a bit of a telling off earlier.

Winter_Jasmine

Troubledmum - I think that, initially, your posts did come across as homphobic - it seemed as though your main concern was that your son might be gay.

Since you've had time to calm down it seems, to me, that you had a hell of a shock when you saw your son's Facebook page, but that your reaction probably wouldn't have been much different if he'd been bragging about 'heavy petting' with loads of girls. I think, and by all means correct me if I'm wrong, that you still thought of him as your little boy until a couple of days ago and have very suddenly come to the realisation that he's a sexually active man. Again, this is only my interpretation of what you're saying, but I think your initial devastation and disappointment was because you'd have liked your son to have had a nice, neat and tidy life where he settled down with one partner (at a time at least ). Instead he's having a whale of a time heavy drinking and getting off with all and sundry - I think this would upset most parents!

In your posts yesterday and today, you just come across as a shocked Mum who is worried about how her son will cope with the nastiness that life may or may not throw at him. This is heightened by the fact that you want to talk to him about his sexuality and reassure him that you love him whatever but you can't because of how you found out. This obviously is making you feel guilty and powerless. I think/hope that people's reactions on here (even the ones that upset you) have helped you to start to feel better about how people will react to your son 'in real life'.

I think you are making sense now

valk_scot

You know, I'm indignant about the suggestion that older folk are more bigoted! I suppose some might be but I'm 53, OH is 55 and really, if DS is gay we really, really won't care.

Just for the record too I've had a positive mammogram and waited 10 days for the appontment that gave me the all clear. Yeah, that was worrying. But not half as devastating as when the doctors told me our five year old son had bone cancer, or when he died two years later. That's devastating, trust me...

Anyhow, other DS is now 16. I think we've got a good open relationship, I nag cheerfully at him about homework and spending too much time on facebook and feed him and taxi him around, he tells me most things I think, he usually comes through for a quiet chat if there's something bothering him anyway. He got up about ten minutes ago and as he shambled through to the shower I yelled "Are you gay, dear?" "Don't think so mum" he sez, then asks me why. I told him about this thread. He said (and I quote) "Glad you're not a homophobic !!!!! mum". I asked him if he would be upset if I looked at his open Facebook. "Help yourself" he says, "I tell you most of it anyway".

Also if he ever did tell me he was gay my OH would know in the next ten seconds. DS knows I talk to his dad about him, that's good parenting isn't it? For both parents to discuss any concerns about their kids, in the hope of offering any support or assistance required or requested? I wouldn't betray a confidence obviously but DS just prefers to chat to me as Hubby is often away and then I relay the concise version on.

TBH the best advice I can offer to the OP is to stop standing around and wringing your hands being devastated, go and tell your son that you looked at his open Facebook and that you're a bit concerned at some of what you read there. Start with the binge drinking and unhappiness, that's more important anyway tbh. The gay/not gay is irrelevant, whatever he is it's not going to change and he's just going to have to deal with whatever life throws at him by way of bigotry, same as anything else. I would think though that if your current reaction is how you deal with any other problems in his life he's going to be very wary about opening up to you, no-one wants to have their mum or dad going all drama queen on them when they just want a simple discussion and some unconditional support. "Dreading" them having the normal highs and lows of adult life and relationships is a bit over the top tbh, would you prefer they never had any sort of relationship for fear of disappointment?

I'm typing this btw and a little bell is going off in the back of my brain, you do seem to be over reacting to a lot of things and I'm wondering if it's because you don't have any support yourself? Can't be easy with an OH in the army and away a lot and possibly in danger. Normal home worries must get magnified with no-one to discuss them with and I'm wondering if there's not some stress/depression issues invoved as well? Have you got anyone to talk to there, say your GP or a counciller?