Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

repeatoffender

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Tears again, you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I confess I am still confused what to do about my husband, if I don't tell him and our son does come out my husband will ask why I didn't tell him. Stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I agree with you that I should keep it to myself but I also agree with other who have said I should speak to my husband.

Thank you again for your lovely post.

You are a worry wart there is nothing to tell your OH - your son has not come out - i think you are over analysing the whole thing. You snooped -you saw something you do not like so deal with it and stop making a big deal out of nothing. Please find something else to do. In the future if your OH asks you why you have not told him something tell him it was not your secret to tell.

[Deleted User]

repeatoffender wrote: »

You are a worry wart there is nothing to tell your OH - your son has not come out - i think you are over analysing the whole thing. You snooped -you saw something you do not like so deal with it and stop making a big deal out of nothing. Please find something else to do. In the future if your OH asks you why you have not told him something tell him it was not your secret to tell.

This made me laugh, that is just the sort of name I would use. You are right and I am in the process of pulling myself together. I will continue to be his taxi, love him, feed him and just be there for him in general.

And for the record no I don't think Patrick Jane is Red John.

Fire_Fox

Troubled_mum wrote: »

One of my main worries I should say is that he seems to be getting very drunk and then coming on to equally drunk lads who seem to be kissing him back but one day this may backfire and he may pick someone who reacts violently to it.

How often have you kissed someone or been kissed by someone totally out of the blue and totally unwanted? Aren't you worried about him coming onto equally drunk girls who react violently to it? What if they cried attempted rape? Is this more, less or equally likely as your version?

Most times plenty of flirting or banter happens before people kiss: people who are gay or bisexual are not stupid, they know not force themselves on someone and wouldn't ever wish to. The idea that homosexual men predate on straight ones is out of the ark, a myth generally pedalled by homophobes and closet gays! Why don't you ask your gay friends about this instead of making assumptions as to what actually happens when two men 'get together' and ask them all about gaydar?

[Deleted User]

Fire_Fox wrote: »

If your husband asks why you didn't tell him, say that he had said not to butt into your son's sex life and you had already invaded his privacy once, you realised it was wrong to do so again. Are you more worried about what your husband will think of you/ say to you, or your son? Is your husband really going to leave you for not telling him your son was experimenting? You are already concerned your son might 'cut you off'.

None of the above, it is just about avoiding causing my husband hurt if there is no reason, it still just may be a phase, he may be confused, he has had this crush on a guy that is not interested in him and he has translated this into I must be gay or bisexual. If it turns out that he is gay or bisexual then it will probably come out eventually and we will deal with it then. In the meantime I will be as loving and supportive as I can be without crowding him.



Perhaps you could research 'Child Free By Choice', how many of us do not change our minds, and how upsetting/ irritating/ offensive e can find it when it is assumed that we will. Just like you need to work on understanding and accepting who your son might be maybe you need to work on understanding and accepting who your daughter might be. Some feel being CFBC is indeed a choice they make, some of us just know it's who we are inside. There is a thread on MSE if you run a search.

Re my daughter, in all honesty she is joking when she says it but at the age of 14 children are just not on her horizon yet. I have always said that my kids should go out and enjoy life before settling down. Thats what I did, lived abroad and had a blast.

All I want is for my kids to get a good education (not throw it away like I did, maybe if I hadn't I would have been able to explain myself properly). Get a good job that they enjoy and have a great life. If that means living abroad then go for it, you cannot be held back by your family.

[Deleted User]

Fire_Fox wrote: »

How often have you kissed someone or been kissed by someone totally out of the blue and totally unwanted? Aren't you worried about him coming onto equally drunk girls who react violently to it? What if they cried attempted rape? Is this more, less or equally likely as your version?

Most times plenty of flirting or banter happens before people kiss: people who are gay or bisexual are not stupid, they know not force themselves on someone and wouldn't ever wish to. The idea that homosexual men predate on straight ones is out of the ark, a myth generally pedalled by homophobes and closet gays! Why don't you ask your gay friends about this instead of making assumptions as to what actually happens when two men 'get together' and ask them all about gaydar?

I am only saying this because from what I have read this is what he has done. I am not totally stupid, I do not think that he is predatory but just maybe not being to careful about his choices. He is still a young and immature lad. He is just starting out on his sex life and at the moment I imagine he wants to get any sexual gratification he can.

My gaydar is rubbish I didn't know my boss was gay but when I found out it made sense.

Charliezoo

Please don't worry about your son's future prospects just because he's gay.

I work for a large company where the workforce is predominantly made up of gay males and my two best mates are a gay couple. The gay men I work with live very, very comfortable lives and I've not yet met one who feels his sexuality has held him back in life.

In this life there will be sucessful people and unsuccessful people, what sexuality they are doesn't make the blindest bit of difference.

lavandergirl_2

OP, every parents worry about their children's future but having a different sexual orientation shouldn't mean you worry more. Everybody will have ups and downs in life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a4MR8oI_B8


He's 18, he has his family who loves him and plenty of friends- young and loved.

Fire_Fox

Troubled_mum wrote: »

I am only saying this because from what I have read this is what he has done. I am not totally stupid, I do not think that he is predatory but just maybe not being to careful about his choices. He is still a young and immature lad. He is just starting out on his sex life and at the moment I imagine he wants to get any sexual gratification he can.

My gaydar is rubbish I didn't know my boss was gay but when I found out it made sense.

You have NOT read that unless there is a whole other part you are not telling us. You have read that two consenting males engaged in some snogging and in one case in oral sex: what lead up to that you don't know because you were not there. You have no reason to believe he wasn't careful with his choices, all the lads responded, none of them beat him up! If your son is out to get any sexual gratification then I am surprised you think he is still a virgin, hasn't been up for rape by now, a much bigger issue that getting punched in the face.

And your gaydar is rubbish because you are straight!! :rotfl:

cottonhead

I understand it must be worrying that he is getting involved sexually on a casual basis with various people. Thats what would worry me the most. As a caring parent I dont see why you wouldnt be worried - its your job ! so dont put yourself down for that.
Some people on here have stated they feel you have issues with homosexuality itself but from what you have said I dont think you do. You clearly love your son and want the best for him. However many many people do have a problem with it. Just as they do with race or religion. He will be teased and insulted at some stage. It might cost him opportunities along the way. Thats probably why you are worried I guess. Also there always seems to be this thing that gay men are obsessed with sex all the time. Dont buy into these sterotypes. I know plenty of gay couples who have been together happy for years, Im sure he would be just as experimental if he was straight ! His sexuality is only a part of him so dont make it out to be the be all and end all. Good luck.

Amanda65

Fire_Fox wrote: »

And your gaydar is rubbish because you are straight!! :rotfl:

Bet it's not as bad as mine - I thought I'd read somewhere Gok Wan was married with children and when I told my kids they were hysterical that I could have got it so wrong :D

OP I think you have, in some cases, been quite harshly spoken to on here but think it is probably down to some of the language you use being 'clumsy' and not getting across what you are trying to say in the way that you mean it.

As the mother of three (16, 19 and 21) I do know what you mean about hoping your children have an easy path through life and anything that makes them different - sexuality, weight, height, love of all things sci fi (;)) can mean that they get singled out and given a hard time. However I am also long enough in the tooth to know that being 'normal' - whatever that is - is no guarantee that you will breeze through problem free.

My advice would be to speak to your son calmly as a concerned parent about his perceived unhappiness (he could be having a whale of a time and just hungover a lot!) and whether there is anything he would like to talk to you about - and then wait. Don't worry your OH at the moment. If he is away then there is nothing he can do and you could be worrying him completely unneccesarily. Tell him facts, not maybe's and then only with your sons permission.

I hope that whatever your son may be sexually, you always remember that first and foremost he is, was and will continue to be your son.