Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Read my other posts, I have already said the selfish part of me wants to discuss it with my husband to get it off my chest, also partly because I want him to have advance warning should the subject come up. That way when and if it happens we can be there for our son rather than being initially blindsided by the relevation. My husband and I do not have any secrets and it feels wrong not to discuss everything with him. But you are right it is my son's business and his alone, I will not have this conversation with my husband over a phone and by the time he comes home I will have had more time to get over the initial shock.

i don;t think your selfish discussing your son with your husband , you do not have to go into details but you can prepare the way .
can i suggest you write a letter to your husband explaining everything (you don't even have to send it) but i think by writing down how you feel you will actually start to deal with things

robpw2

madvixen wrote: »

Hi troubledmum,
. He now lives in London and has an amazing life, good job, great fella and an awesome social life (I'm jealous ).

me too , i have a great fella but the rest would be the dream lol:D

madvixen

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Read my other posts, I have already said the selfish part of me wants to discuss it with my husband to get it off my chest, also partly because I want him to have advance warning should the subject come up. That way when and if it happens we can be there for our son rather than being initially blindsided by the relevation. My husband and I do not have any secrets and it feels wrong not to discuss everything with him. But you are right it is my son's business and his alone, I will not have this conversation with my husband over a phone and by the time he comes home I will have had more time to get over the initial shock.

There are some useful helplines on here that you could have a chat to.
http://www.channel4.com/health//microsites/0-9/4health/sex/lgb_children.html

madvixen

robpw2 wrote: »

me too , i have a great fella but the rest would be the dream lol:D

My brother really is like a cat, always lands on his feet :rotfl:

Owain_Moneysaver

faerie~spangles wrote: »

I have a gay couple living next door and they are the most normal pair of guys you could meet - well apart from their penchant for housework.

If you go round and they're wearing rubber gloves it might not be housework you've interrupted.

C_Mababejive

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Look nobody likes to think of their children having sex because they are your children, equally they don't like to think of their parents have sex. However, of course it is going to happen and whilst I would not promote promiscuity I also would like them to experience life before settling down ie I would not expect them to go into marriage or life partnership as a virgin.

Also ,if we are truly honest about it. No one wants to learn that their child is homosexual. We may adjust to it but initially,its not what we would have wanted.

Errata

Troubled_mum wrote: »

It wasn't on open FB, please I know it was reprehensible but I did it and now I am paying for it.

I keep switching between telling my husband and not but this is me being selfish as I want to just be able to talk to him but at the same time as you say my son at the moment does not know how to class himself. When asked if he was gay his response was he didn't know but possibly bi-sexual.

How about minding your own business. Your adult son's sex life is nothing to do with you and something he sorts out for himself.

[Deleted User]

robpw2 wrote: »

i would be devastated if my mother bought me condoms .. ( having said that we had a condom machine in the downstairs bathroom (you would be suprised what 15 year old lads can find at a car boot sale)
at 18 years old he is free to make his own choices, and that includes about buying condoms , if he comes and asks you for some then by all means buy them but else no .

I know its been nearly 13 years since i came out and i expect life to be easier for indviduals nowadays partly because there seems more and more lgbt people around .
your reaction is interesting and now i have calmed down from my anger , i feel for you , i don't think you mean to be offensive i believe you just are not as worldl wise as others are and its understandable that our childrens differnece do make us question them and that you came to look for support
however i think the best advice i can give you is Be there for your son but ONLY if he comes to you . Don't push it on him -he needs to come to terms with himself , im pretty sure your son is either gay/bisexual but he needs to be comfortable with him self before he is ready to let you know. My mother found out when i was 15 but i denied it at the time because i wasn't ready to discuss it with her it took me 3 years to feel comfortable telling her . she didnt react badly about me being gay at 15 more the fact i hadn't told her as we used to tell eachother everything but it was this anger from her that led me to react in the way i did and deny everything and then get myself a girlfriend so to everyone else i was "straight" .

Flipping heck! Now you have made me cry. I am with you in that I think he is actually more likely to be gay from what I have read but the girls may be just because that is what is expected. I am devastated because I cannot discuss this with him. He would rightly probably want to cut me out of his life for snooping but please believe me when I say I just wanted to see what was going on in his life because I was worried about him. I should not be punished for loving him and worrying about him. I know what I did was wrong and I am now paying the consequences because I can't approach him about it and be there for him whilst he is going through this upset. By this I mean the rejection he has had rather than his sexuality because although he does not know how to class himself he is at ease with it. He is also very popular lad, liked by everyone he meets both old and young.

meer53

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Read my other posts, I have already said the selfish part of me wants to discuss it with my husband to get it off my chest, also partly because I want him to have advance warning should the subject come up. That way when and if it happens we can be there for our son rather than being initially blindsided by the relevation. My husband and I do not have any secrets and it feels wrong not to discuss everything with him. But you are right it is my son's business and his alone, I will not have this conversation with my husband over a phone and by the time he comes home I will have had more time to get over the initial shock.

Why do you think you should discuss this with your husband ? Your son is an adult, you should not be discussing his sexuality with anyone, especially considering how you discovered what you did. Advance warning ? Get it off your chest ? There are times when you should keep your gob shut. This is one of them.

Is the real issue here that you are worried about your husbands reaction ? How will he react when you decide to tell him, over the phone, that you think your son may be gay ? What if he isn't and he's just having fun ? Don't do it, it's a really bad idea. It's not your decision, show your son some respect.

Binge drinking is a common theme amongst 18 year olds. My son is 25 and still sometimes comes home blind drunk after spending time with his mates. As long as he's not doing it every night, chill out, leave him alone, he will soon realise that it's not really much fun to spend a whole day feeling like death.

If you were my mother, and you told my dad that i "might" be gay, and that you'd made this assumption because of something you'd read which you shouldn't have, it would change our relationship. And not in a good way. Is that what you really want to happen ?

[Deleted User]

downsizer3 wrote: »

OP - Now that you have found out that he's experimenting ( never tell him how - big line of trust crossed there)- if he does come and tell you he's gay or want to discuss any aspect of his sexuality at least you can prepare yourself to give the right reaction and not come across as you first did on here.
I'm not criticising, as I can see you were shocked, but it did come across as disgust/disappointment and its important - no matter how you feel, that he doesn't know that.
When you've got your head around it (personally I'd have no issue with it whatsoever - even if my child were 'experimenting' quite a lot!!) lets hope he does want to talk to you at some point - all I'd ever want is for my child to have the kind of relationship with me that left the door open to chat at any time without fear of judgement.
Look on it as an opportunity.

Thank you. It was never disgust or disappointment, and I am truly sorry if that is what people thought. I certainly did not mean to be offensive. I was shocked because I had no idea and I was devastated because I cannot discuss this with him because of the way I found out. He is going or has gone through turmoil with the rejection and I cannot be there for him because he does not know that I know. I just don't want him to be hurting!