Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

[Deleted User]

Fire_Fox wrote: »

I'm surprised how many people are referring to safe sex is the present rather than the future tense. So far all this lad has done is snog and had oral sex with ONE of his peers! Plenty of 18 year old girls have had oral sex with more than one guy, I don't see any difference here. The use of condoms should have long since been addressed with a fully grown adult, both from the point of view of STDs and pregnancy.

You are quite correct, I have tried to have this conversation with him about being careful, this was when he got his first girlfriend at 15 but he said he was well aware and he did not at that time have any plans to take it further. He also just did not want to have the conversation with me and who could blame him at 15.

I did just recently have a discussion with my husband about whether we should buy him some condoms just in case but he was of the opinion that we should not butt in.

lazer

I think there has been a lot of harsh posts on this thread.

The OP has found out out her son is being promiscious with both boys and girls.

Personally I would not like to think of my child sleeping around regardless of who is with - to me, promisciouty combined with the heavy drinking is signs of a low self esteem and a lack of confidence.

The OP is right to be concerned - her son appears to be a confused boy, and there is only so much a parent can do to help.

Does your son have any close friends or other family members he can talk to, it is important that he has someone to talk his feelings through with if he wants to - these feelings could include his fear and apprehension at your reaction.

I understand you feelings about life being harder for gays etc, but if your son is gay, this is what he is, so it will not change and yes he may suffer some hardships and prejudices throughout his life but that is life.

The best thing you can do now is come to terms with the fact he may be gay or bi-sexual, and I would also tell your husband (despite the numerous posts telling you its a further invasion of his privacy etc, parents should deal with things like this together and you need your husband to talk to about this). You now have time to come to terms with your sons sexuailty before he tells you (if in fact is is gay and does come out to you at some stage), and then when he tells you you can be supportive and unshocked. This is the important part - your son will know by your reaction if you disapprove, are disappointed etc, but if you give yourself time to come to terms with it, you will have accepted the fact he is gay and will not be disappointed etc, you will be happy he is able to talk to you about it.

[Deleted User]

peachyprice wrote: »

If you are not homophobic would you have been shocked and devasted if you'd read his facebook account and found out he'd got off with a few different girl friends and had oral sex with one of them?

Look nobody likes to think of their children having sex because they are your children, equally they don't like to think of their parents have sex. However, of course it is going to happen and whilst I would not promote promiscuity I also would like them to experience life before settling down ie I would not expect them to go into marriage or life partnership as a virgin.

PrincessPlaty

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Look nobody likes to think of their children having sex because they are your children, equally they don't like to think of their parents have sex.

Then maybe you shouldn't have been nosey.

adouglasmhor

1940sGal wrote: »

Based on this i may have to re-think my outlook on life

What and change your username to 1920sGal?

[Deleted User]

jetplane wrote: »

Why do you need to discuss your sons sex life with your husband? When my daughter lost her virginity I didn't put the kettle on and have a conversation with my husband about it

Read my other posts, I have already said the selfish part of me wants to discuss it with my husband to get it off my chest, also partly because I want him to have advance warning should the subject come up. That way when and if it happens we can be there for our son rather than being initially blindsided by the relevation. My husband and I do not have any secrets and it feels wrong not to discuss everything with him. But you are right it is my son's business and his alone, I will not have this conversation with my husband over a phone and by the time he comes home I will have had more time to get over the initial shock.

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

You are quite correct, I have tried to have this conversation with him about being careful, this was when he got his first girlfriend at 15 but he said he was well aware and he did not at that time have any plans to take it further. He also just did not want to have the conversation with me and who could blame him at 15.

I did just recently have a discussion with my husband about whether we should buy him some condoms just in case but he was of the opinion that we should not butt in.

i would be devastated if my mother bought me condoms .. ( having said that we had a condom machine in the downstairs bathroom (you would be suprised what 15 year old lads can find at a car boot sale)
at 18 years old he is free to make his own choices, and that includes about buying condoms , if he comes and asks you for some then by all means buy them but else no .

I know its been nearly 13 years since i came out and i expect life to be easier for indviduals nowadays partly because there seems more and more lgbt people around .
your reaction is interesting and now i have calmed down from my anger , i feel for you , i don't think you mean to be offensive i believe you just are not as worldl wise as others are and its understandable that our childrens differnece do make us question them and that you came to look for support
however i think the best advice i can give you is Be there for your son but ONLY if he comes to you . Don't push it on him -he needs to come to terms with himself , im pretty sure your son is either gay/bisexual but he needs to be comfortable with him self before he is ready to let you know. My mother found out when i was 15 but i denied it at the time because i wasn't ready to discuss it with her it took me 3 years to feel comfortable telling her . she didnt react badly about me being gay at 15 more the fact i hadn't told her as we used to tell eachother everything but it was this anger from her that led me to react in the way i did and deny everything and then get myself a girlfriend so to everyone else i was "straight" .

downsizer3

OP - Now that you have found out that he's experimenting ( never tell him how - big line of trust crossed there)- if he does come and tell you he's gay or want to discuss any aspect of his sexuality at least you can prepare yourself to give the right reaction and not come across as you first did on here.
I'm not criticising, as I can see you were shocked, but it did come across as disgust/disappointment and its important - no matter how you feel, that he doesn't know that.
When you've got your head around it (personally I'd have no issue with it whatsoever - even if my child were 'experimenting' quite a lot!!) lets hope he does want to talk to you at some point - all I'd ever want is for my child to have the kind of relationship with me that left the door open to chat at any time without fear of judgement.
Look on it as an opportunity.

madvixen

Hi troubledmum,

I found out my brother was gay in a similar way (I wasn't snooping, we'd swapped phones and I came across some texts while I was clearing it out). It was a bit of a shock at first, as I had known his girlfriends, but it isn't devastating. At the end of the day, he's my brother and I love him.
With regard to prejudices that he may face, these really are not as widespread as you may think. We live in a small village and 99% of people love my brother just as they always have. The one person who said something to him soon got put in his place by everyone else. He now lives in London and has an amazing life, good job, great fella and an awesome social life (I'm jealous ).
I think the thing you need to look at is making sure that he feels comfortable enough to tell you when the time is right for him. I knew for 5 years before my brother told my parents as he was really worried about their reaction.
It sounds like he's going through a really tough time at the moment, all you can do is be there for him. If he is gay, he will tell you when he's ready.

[Deleted User]

PrincessPlaty wrote: »

Then maybe you shouldn't have been nosey.

You are stating the obvious here, I wish I could go back in time but I can't.