Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

How about minding your own business. Your adult son's sex life is nothing to do with you and something he sorts out for himself.

Once again you are stating the obvious but at not quite 18 my son is not an adult. He for the most part has lead quite a sheltered life and that was not for the want of me trying to get him outside and meeting people. The majority of the youth of today seem content to just sit in their rooms on their computers. However, he himself said he realised what he had been missing when he did start socialising but this was not until he joined a unisex club at 15.

Yes legally I know he is almost 18 and classed as an adult, he does not have enough life experience under his belt yet to be truly classed as an adult. I think most parents would feel the same, they will always be your little boy. Same as I am still my mum's little girl despite being in my 50's.

PrincessPlaty

Troubled_mum wrote: »

You are stating the obvious here, I wish I could go back in time but I can't.

You can, you can forget what you read and deal with your own issues so that if the time comes you can say to your son 'thats fine i love you no matter what'.

The issue here is your issues not what sexual orientation your son is.

JimmyTheWig

OP, I'm tempted to go against the grain here and say that you need to talk to your son about this.
Obviously it "shouldn't" bother you.
Obviously, from your reaction, is does bother you.
I think that you need to admit, at least to yourself if not to us, that on this issue at least you are being homophobic. And that you expect your husband will be the same as you, if not worse than you.
Might not be something that you want to admit to yourself, but I think it is true.

But regardless of that, I think it will be pretty clear to your son, if not now then soon, that something has changed. He's probably noticed that you've not been eating. If you're feeling as bad as you've suggested then I find it hard to believe that your attitude towards your son hasn't changed. He's probably noticed that something's up. If he hasn't noticed yet then he will soon, I'm sure.
Given what you compared your reaction to, he may well think that you've had some bad medical results. It's not fair on him not to talk to him.

You need to, in your head, establish all the positives and how you can help to support him.
Then I think you either need to
1. Come clean and tell him the truth. Appologise for snooping, but you did.
2. Depending on how technologically capable you are you may be able to say something along the lines of "I noticed that Facebook thing was open on your laptop and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Never expected to read what I did..."
3. Join Facebook yourself. Friend request him and a couple of his mates who you know (e.g. the ones who come round for dinner, the ones you used to come round to play after school, etc). Chances are security settings will be relaxed enough that you'll be able to see enough of what you saw the other day without snooping. Then you can talk to him about it.

[Deleted User]

meer53 wrote: »

Why do you think you should discuss this with your husband ? Your son is an adult, you should not be discussing his sexuality with anyone, especially considering how you discovered what you did. Advance warning ? Get it off your chest ? There are times when you should keep your gob shut. This is one of them.

Is the real issue here that you are worried about your husbands reaction ? How will he react when you decide to tell him, over the phone, that you think your son may be gay ? What if he isn't and he's just having fun ? Don't do it, it's a really bad idea. It's not your decision, show your son some respect.

Binge drinking is a common theme amongst 18 year olds. My son is 25 and still sometimes comes home blind drunk after spending time with his mates. As long as he's not doing it every night, chill out, leave him alone, he will soon realise that it's not really much fun to spend a whole day feeling like death.

If you were my mother, and you told my dad that i "might" be gay, and that you'd made this assumption because of something you'd read which you shouldn't have, it would change our relationship. And not in a good way. Is that what you really want to happen ?

No not in that I think he will blow up and beat my son up. Just that he will initially be upset and the emphasis has to be on being there for our son, not my husbands initial shock.

Which is why I am struggling at the moment about whether to tell him or not. It is me being selfish because I want to talk to someone I love dearly about something that will have an affect on him initially when and if our son does turn out to be gay. Please do not read that to me our relationship with our son will change because that is not what I meant.

Owain_Moneysaver

esmf73 wrote: »

Troubled, sounds like your husband is in uniform and the services aren't known for the number of gay people! (was army wife, so this is just an observation!).

There are one or two.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/dec/11/gay-soldier-ben-rakestrow

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1202651/Gay-soldier-Armed-Forces-magazines-homosexual-pin-up.html

http://www.proud2serve.net/

[Deleted User]

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

OP, I'm tempted to go against the grain here and say that you need to talk to your son about this.
Obviously it "shouldn't" bother you.
Obviously, from your reaction, is does bother you.
I think that you need to admit, at least to yourself if not to us, that on this issue at least you are being homophobic. And that you expect your husband will be the same as you, if not worse than you.
Might not be something that you want to admit to yourself, but I think it is true.

But regardless of that, I think it will be pretty clear to your son, if not now then soon, that something has changed. He's probably noticed that you've not been eating. If you're feeling as bad as you've suggested then I find it hard to believe that your attitude towards your son hasn't changed. He's probably noticed that something's up. If he hasn't noticed yet then he will soon, I'm sure.
Given what you compared your reaction to, he may well think that you've had some bad medical results. It's not fair on him not to talk to him.

You need to, in your head, establish all the positives and how you can help to support him.
Then I think you either need to
1. Come clean and tell him the truth. Appologise for snooping, but you did.
2. Depending on how technologically capable you are you may be able to say something along the lines of "I noticed that Facebook thing was open on your laptop and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Never expected to read what I did..."
3. Join Facebook yourself. Friend request him and a couple of his mates who you know (e.g. the ones who come round for dinner, the ones you used to come round to play after school, etc). Chances are security settings will be relaxed enough that you'll be able to see enough of what you saw the other day without snooping. Then you can talk to him about it.

My reaction to him has not changed, we are still laughing and joking the same as normal. He won't notice that I haven't been eating because I am constantly on a diet and I don't always eat with them.

My son is a very private person and even his friends say that about him, he is almost quite secretive in his manner, which is what lead to me snooping in the first place.

To summarise, I love him very much, if he is gay or bisexual then so be it. More importantly I just want him to be happy.

heartbreak_star

Do you have any other children?

I know someone who's only daughter came out and she was very supportive...till the point she broke down and admitted her first thought was selfish..."well what about me? my daughter's wedding and my grandkids? it's never going to happen now!!" (before civil parternerships btw.)

She was absolutely horrified that she'd even thought that, but she talked to her daughter and realised all she wanted was for her to be happy.

They have now married and adopted a little girl and a little boy Mum is proud as punch!

Would you rather your son be unhappy?

HBS x

meer53

Troubled_mum wrote: »

No not in that I think he will blow up and beat my son up. Just that he will initially be upset and the emphasis has to be on being there for our son, not my husbands initial shock.

Which is why I am struggling at the moment about whether to tell him or not. It is me being selfish because I want to talk to someone I love dearly about something that will have an affect on him initially when and if our son does turn out to be gay. Please do not read that to me our relationship with our son will change because that is not what I meant.

YOUR relationship with your son may not change, no one disputes the fact that you will both continue to love and support him, whatever happens.

What you do need to consider though is how your son will feel towards you, if you go behind his back with your suspicions to your OH. Are you prepared for the fact that your son may be really angry with you ? It takes two to make a relationship work.

IMO this is something you should leave well alone, keep it to yourself, forget what you've seen, once the lid is off Pandora's Box, you know what happens.

Winter_Jasmine

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Look nobody likes to think of their children having sex because they are your children, equally they don't like to think of their parents have sex. However, of course it is going to happen and whilst I would not promote promiscuity I also would like them to experience life before settling down ie I would not expect them to go into marriage or life partnership as a virgin.

I don't think there are many who would disagree with you on this point. You're certainly not the first Mum to go snooping and find something she didn't want to see and you won't be the last.

When I was 13 one of my friends passed me a note in class. It was a piece of paper folded into quarters with 'PRIVATE' written all over it. The note read (and I can still remember it word for word because I was so mortified by what my Mum did) 'Have you been with whatshisname yet? I've been with Simon 32 times!'. My Mum found the note in my school bag, read it and then went through a few days feeling similarly to the way you do now. She told my Dad, who was equally devastated and they decided that she should confront me (nicely dodged Dad!).

So, I got home from school one day and she told me she wanted to talk to me. She shut the front room door at which point I got really scared as it seemed serious but I had no idea why. She was almost in tears as she showed me the note....I had never been so embarrassed in all my life - I was sooooo angry, hurt and betrayed, not only that she'd read something marked private but that she'd also told my Dad about it. I wasn't half as embarrassed as she was though, when I screamed at her that 'been with' meant 'kiss' and that I was only 13 so how could she think I would do anything more than that!!

She was obviously more relieved than anything and defended herself by saying that I was her daughter and she loved me and asked what would I have done in her shoes, if I'd found a note marked 'private'. I like to think that I'd respect my child's privacy but I can't say, hand on heart, that I actually would. I imagine that my poor Mum was expecting to find some cute, childish secret note that would make her smile indulgently before she put it back in my bag - that is what she saw really, it's just that she wasn't 'down with the kids' enough to understand the terminology!

Incidentally, I never 'went' with whatshisname at all and I did forgive my Mum - I find the memory quite hilarious now

You can't unsee what you've seen and I expect a big part of the devastation you're feeling is down to guilt that you've invaded your son's privacy and now can't take that action back. That feeling will fade in time. If you have a good relationship with your son then eventually he will let you know if he likes boys/girls or both. Don't push it and please leave your husband out of it - this is your only option if you wnat to preserve your relationship with your son now that he's legally an adult who could leave home if he wanted

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Flipping heck! Now you have made me cry. I am with you in that I think he is actually more likely to be gay from what I have read but the girls may be just because that is what is expected. I am devastated because I cannot discuss this with him. He would rightly probably want to cut me out of his life for snooping but please believe me when I say I just wanted to see what was going on in his life because I was worried about him. I should not be punished for loving him and worrying about him. I know what I did was wrong and I am now paying the consequences because I can't approach him about it and be there for him whilst he is going through this upset. By this I mean the rejection he has had rather than his sexuality because although he does not know how to class himself he is at ease with it. He is also very popular lad, liked by everyone he meets both old and young.

Your son's old enough to be going out in to the big wide world alone now and it can be a horribly tough place for us all. Maybe you're a little late letting go and still want to wrap him in cotton wool? (I'm sure lots of Mums feel the same). You say that he's a popular lad and he seems to be open with his friends about his sexuality - let this be a comfort to you, it sounds like he's got plenty of people who care about him and who will support him while he's figuring his life out. Eat some stodgy food, have a nap and you'll hopefully feel a lot less scared about letting him find his own way xx

JimmyTheWig

Troubled_mum wrote: »

My reaction to him has not changed

I'm sorry, but I doubt that very much.
Up to you whether you follow my suggestions or not, but I would be shocked if he really didn't know something was up.