Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

[Deleted User]

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

You should learn something from the parents of Tyler Clementi - his mother in particular.

Okay, I have been and looked him up. How absolutely awful the poor kid.

Re his mother,

I am not devastated that my son may not marry and have children, it is not an issue except that he does love kids and if he is gay then there is nothing to stop him adopting a child in need or having his own via a surrogate.

I am not grieving because my child may or may not be gay, I am grieving because I cannot at this time help him or be there for him if he is upset because he does not know I know.

[Deleted User]

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Do you have any other children?

I know someone who's only daughter came out and she was very supportive...till the point she broke down and admitted her first thought was selfish..."well what about me? my daughter's wedding and my grandkids? it's never going to happen now!!" (before civil parternerships btw.)

She was absolutely horrified that she'd even thought that, but she talked to her daughter and realised all she wanted was for her to be happy.

They have now married and adopted a little girl and a little boy Mum is proud as punch!

Would you rather your son be unhappy?

HBS x

Yes I do have other children, all I want is for all of them to be happy whichever course they take in life. My daughter has already told me that she does not intend to have kids, they are too much hard work and they squabble too much. I suspect she will change her mind when she is older.:)

Millie2008_2

Apologies if this has already been suggested, OP, but If you go to https://www.fflag.org.uk there is lots of useful info and sources of support for families and friends of lesbians and gays including access to local support groups and parents' stories of their own experiences

[Deleted User]

saffstar wrote: »

I don't think there are many who would disagree with you on this point. You're certainly not the first Mum to go snooping and find something she didn't want to see and you won't be the last.

When I was 13 one of my friends passed me a note in class. It was a piece of paper folded into quarters with 'PRIVATE' written all over it. The note read (and I can still remember it word for word because I was so mortified by what my Mum did) 'Have you been with whatshisname yet? I've been with Simon 32 times!'. My Mum found the note in my school bag, read it and then went through a few days feeling similarly to the way you do now. She told my Dad, who was equally devastated and they decided that she should confront me (nicely dodged Dad!).

So, I got home from school one day and she told me she wanted to talk to me. She shut the front room door at which point I got really scared as it seemed serious but I had no idea why. She was almost in tears as she showed me the note....I had never been so embarrassed in all my life - I was sooooo angry, hurt and betrayed, not only that she'd read something marked private but that she'd also told my Dad about it. I wasn't half as embarrassed as she was though, when I screamed at her that 'been with' meant 'kiss' and that I was only 13 so how could she think I would do anything more than that!!

She was obviously more relieved than anything and defended herself by saying that I was her daughter and she loved me and asked what would I have done in her shoes, if I'd found a note marked 'private'. I like to think that I'd respect my child's privacy but I can't say, hand on heart, that I actually would. I imagine that my poor Mum was expecting to find some cute, childish secret note that would make her smile indulgently before she put it back in my bag - that is what she saw really, it's just that she wasn't 'down with the kids' enough to understand the terminology!

Incidentally, I never 'went' with whatshisname at all and I did forgive my Mum - I find the memory quite hilarious now

You can't unsee what you've seen and I expect a big part of the devastation you're feeling is down to guilt that you've invaded your son's privacy and now can't take that action back. That feeling will fade in time. If you have a good relationship with your son then eventually he will let you know if he likes boys/girls or both. Don't push it and please leave your husband out of it - this is your only option if you wnat to preserve your relationship with your son now that he's legally an adult who could leave home if he wanted



Your son's old enough to be going out in to the big wide world alone now and it can be a horribly tough place for us all. Maybe you're a little late letting go and still want to wrap him in cotton wool? (I'm sure lots of Mums feel the same). You say that he's a popular lad and he seems to be open with his friends about his sexuality - let this be a comfort to you, it sounds like he's got plenty of people who care about him and who will support him while he's figuring his life out. Eat some stodgy food, have a nap and you'll hopefully feel a lot less scared about letting him find his own way xx

Tears again, you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I confess I am still confused what to do about my husband, if I don't tell him and our son does come out my husband will ask why I didn't tell him. Stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I agree with you that I should keep it to myself but I also agree with other who have said I should speak to my husband.

Thank you again for your lovely post.

heartbreak_star

Troubled_mum wrote: »

My daughter has already told me that she does not intend to have kids, they are too much hard work and they squabble too much. I suspect she will change her mind when she is older.:)

Heehee, don't count on that, my mum thought I'd change my mind and I'm 33 now, still no intentions to the point of trying to push for sterilisation...

I suspect you are starting to mellow out a bit now. Homophobia is absolutely inexcusable, and there are few prejudices these days.

HBS x

GracieP

lazer wrote: »

The OP has found out out her son is being promiscious with both boys and girls.

While there were a number of centuries where sharing kisses with a few people and having oral sex once with one person would have been considered promiscuous, this - the 21st century is not one of them. At least not in this part of the world. The OP's son is certainly not promiscuous by the current definition of the word.

lazer wrote: »

Personally I would not like to think of my child sleeping around regardless of who is with - to me, promisciouty combined with the heavy drinking is signs of a low self esteem and a lack of confidence.

To you based obviously on nothing but a prejudicial rather than evidence based opinion. Yes someone engaging in a lifestyle as you have described can be a sign of low self esteem and a lack of confidence, but so can spending all of your time in your bedroom only talking to people over the internet. As can marrying the first person you date regardless of how you feel about them and how they treat you. So can staying in an abusive marriage. So can living a dull lifestyle and keeping the head down. Etc, etc, etc.

An evidence based opinion would be that heavy drinking in social settings, a bit of promiscuity and even some experimental drug taking is a sign of being young and having a laugh for a few years before settling down. As the vast, vast, vast, vast majority of people, straight, gay, bi, pigeon fanciers, etc, who go through a party phase grow out of it after a few years and then continue on to have normal fulfilled lives.

Quite a few people who have posted here have said nobody would want such a lifestyle for their children. But you know what, that's just not true. I for one hope vehemently that if he grows up to be the type of man who will enjoy a promiscuous party phase, that my son feels confident enough to engage in one. As long as he is careful and responsible about it there is absolutely no harm in a few wild years and they can be great fun and very fulfilling and he's much more likely to come out the other end a more open-minded, satisfied person.

Errata

Troubled_mum wrote: »

I confess I am still confused what to do about my husband, if I don't tell him and our son does come out my husband will ask why I didn't tell him. .

Oh for pities sake! Would you tell your husband if you discovered your son was heterosexual? Of course you wouldn't. Your job is to have the safe sex chat with your son and make sure there is a siupply of condoms in his bedside drawer. End of.

balletshoes

Errata wrote: »

Oh for pities sake! Would you tell your husband if you discovered your son was heterosexual? Of course you wouldn't.
Your job is to have the safe sex chat with your son and make sure there is a siupply of condoms in his bedside drawer. End of.

yes, have to admit, I don't understand why you aren't doing this now. I would have been having that conversation again with my son if I noticed he was out getting drunk a lot (I know thats what loads of 18-year olds do, but if I had an inkling that the drinking might be leading to casual sex etc, I'd be re-inforcing the stay safe message). It wouldn't have taken finding FB messages for me to be discussing this with my son or daughter - surely you see him hungover/not having come home all night?

He's 18, if he's under a lot of stress about his exams etc, why wouldn't you want to be talking to him about all this, to reassure him and yourself that his safety is the important thing, along with helping him find a way to cope with his stress so that he can try his best with his education.

Fire_Fox

Troubled_mum wrote: »

You are quite correct, I have tried to have this conversation with him about being careful, this was when he got his first girlfriend at 15 but he said he was well aware and he did not at that time have any plans to take it further. He also just did not want to have the conversation with me and who could blame him at 15.

I did just recently have a discussion with my husband about whether we should buy him some condoms just in case but he was of the opinion that we should not butt in.

So you have your answer as to whether you should tell your husband from his own mouth. I honestly don't think it is that terrible if you husband is surprised-end-of-shocked if and when your son tells him, if there have been no other 'signs'. But I can't understand why you would think that your husband would not realise within seconds to minutes that the appropriate response is to assure your son that you love and support him, then deal with the emotions later. That is what parents do and surely what the forces do, they are strong for others when they don't feel it on the inside.

If your husband asks why you didn't tell him, say that he had said not to butt into your son's sex life and you had already invaded his privacy once, you realised it was wrong to do so again. Are you more worried about what your husband will think of you/ say to you, or your son? Is your husband really going to leave you for not telling him your son was experimenting? You are already concerned your son might 'cut you off'.

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Yes I do have other children, all I want is for all of them to be happy whichever course they take in life. My daughter has already told me that she does not intend to have kids, they are too much hard work and they squabble too much. I suspect she will change her mind when she is older.:)

Perhaps you could research 'Child Free By Choice', how many of us do not change our minds, and how upsetting/ irritating/ offensive e can find it when it is assumed that we will. Just like you need to work on understanding and accepting who your son might be maybe you need to work on understanding and accepting who your daughter might be. Some feel being CFBC is indeed a choice they make, some of us just know it's who we are inside. There is a thread on MSE if you run a search.

[Deleted User]

You are assuming I haven't had these conversations with my son, I have several times and several times he has assured me that nothing was happening other than lots of kissing. However, this year things have obviously changed, I will continue to chat to him on a light level. I have told him to be careful and not to get so drunk that he regrets something the next day. Obviously at the time I was thinking more along the lines of him getting a girl pregnant. He assures me that this is not going to happen - I know why now.

As I said previously he has been with girls as well and it may be just an experimental phase but I am not sure. To me it looks like his preference is for guys and not girls but obviously I don't know for sure and I am just reading between the lines.

Until he makes that decision himself then I am not going to know, if he decides that he is gay then I am sure he will eventually tell us and we will support him in any way we can.

I have decided that I will not snoop again, my fingers have been burnt truly, all I expected to see was things about him getting hold of ilicit booze and getting off with girls which I did but then suddenly out of the blue the lad he was discussing with via message asked him if he had any recollection of what they had done at the last party. Bam there it was.

One of my main worries I should say is that he seems to be getting very drunk and then coming on to equally drunk lads who seem to be kissing him back but one day this may backfire and he may pick someone who reacts violently to it.