Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

[Deleted User]

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

Your story keeps changing.

What do you mean my story keeps changing?

I am talking in general and over the years when he was growing up. Sometimes when your kids do things like not studying as hard as they should and don't get the grades they need it can feel awful. Is times like these that I reign us in and point out that he is a good kid and we don't have any trouble with him etc

And I agree here it could be far worse, also referring to an earlier post I am not worried about him being gay per se but just a bit worried about prejudices he may come up against.

[Deleted User]

eskimo26 wrote: »

My advice, minus the sarcasm and mocking, from a guy who also had bisexual inclinations at around your son's age....

1. It's unlikely he knows yet himself where he stands with regards to his sexuality.

2. Tell him you've noticed his drinking a lot and that a lot of times that indicates a person is struggling with something and whatever it is he can talk to you about it when his ready and you'll always be there for him no matter what... etc. etc. just the stuff you said yourself in your post.

3. Forget gay stereotypes, they fell out fashion when metrosexuality became the norm, and they where useless before that anyway.

Finally be patient and give him time. Imagine if you where confused about something fundamental and people kept jabbing you with a stick and asking for a decision, that can be how it feels if there's an atmosphere around you.

You sound like a loving mum, i mean i've heard a lot lot worse tbh, even in this day and age children are still disowned for coming out.

Just forget what you think you know and take it step by step with him. (gently)

Also his 18 give him some space, he'll get more of a sense of himself in college/ university.

Good luck.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Finally someone who understands where I am coming from. Your post made me cry.

[Deleted User]

BugglyB wrote: »

Trust me, if the OPs son ever comes out to her as gay, he will be studying her face, nitpicking over every word. She needs to get over this, for her own sake.

OP I'm not worried about your sons future. What tends to happen when young gay people come out and their families or communities are not accepting of them is that they move far far away to Brighton, or LA, or somewhere else where being gay is celebrated as much as being straight is. Then carry on with the rest of their lives.

Its your future I'm concerned about, pretty soon he will have the choice as to whether he wants you or his father in it or not. STOP snooping on his facebook.

I hope that this might help you:
]

Whether my son is gay or not I have always told my children to go off and find a better life for themselves. Even if this means them going to Australia or the USA. Sure when I am old I will wish them here but whilst I still have my faculties I want them to go where is best for them. By the time I don't have my faculties I won't know any difference.

busiscoming2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

What do you mean my story keeps changing?

I am talking in general and over the years when he was growing up. Sometimes when your kids do things like not studying as hard as they should and don't get the grades they need it can feel awful. Is times like these that I reign us in and point out that he is a good kid and we don't have any trouble with him etc

And I agree here it could be far worse, also referring to an earlier post I am not worried about him being gay per se but just a bit worried about prejudices he may come up against.

I understand this bit completely, but the world is full of people prejudiced against one thing or another; size, colour, etc

Stop for a moment and think how maybe HE is feeling at the moment, probably a little confused himself. Just let him work himself out before he talks to you. Give him space and don't snoop!! It's his life, you just have to be there for him.

esmf73

Troubled, sounds like your husband is in uniform and the services aren't known for the number of gay people! (was army wife, so this is just an observation!). Give him time and just love him. All our kids have to find their own paths - however rough they seem to us mums. What I wouldn't give to help my eldest through. Good luck x

Mupette

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Think of the gay couple in Desperate Housewives , the majority of gay guys I know would be like the camp one, my son would be the other one, I would never have guessed. So when I say gay tendancies, that is what I mean not every gay guy is camp I know but you do associate campness with being gay.

Would I choose a gay lifestyle for my son, absolutely not, I don't know any mother that would, however will it change the way I feel about him, again absolutely not. I will always love him and his happiness is all that matters. I have tried to think today why I am so upset and the conclusion I came to was not whether I was bothered about him being gay but because it is a big secret that I have to keep to myself at the moment. Also lets not forget he is still also going with girls at these parties so he may be just confused or bi-sexual. I also don't think it has gone any further than serious heavy petting, I think he is still a virgin although I am not 100 % sure he hasn't had sex with a girl.

I was starting to warm to you and then you said this, how awful.
would you rather he got a girl pregnant at 16 and spend the rest of their lifes poor trying to raise a child that might not have been planned (some do and cope well, some don't)

Your son might or might not be gay, that should not be the issue, but your posts are saying two things each time,
1. your not worried about his sexuality
2. you are devastated.

This is why lots of young gay men and women have trouble telling their parents, you come over as very mixed about this, it should not be a shock, no there is no reason in this day and age that you should be shocked.

they only lifestyle issue you should be worried about for him is making sure he has safe sex regardless of who it is with, and that he can handle his drink and gets home safely from excess drinking, teens experiment.

If my son came home from college tonight and tells me he is gay, i know he will be fine, he has his stash of condoms, my conversations with him about relationships won't be about girls, it would be about men,

would i love him less, no, would i feel he was now dirty, no would i be worried about how his father felt, maybe, as his dad is a !!!!, but hopefully not to much of a !!!! to understand it's nothing to do with him or me who our son decides to have relationships with.

If your husband has issues about gay people then this is the biggest problem and a problem that needs to be addressed.

BugglyB

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Whether my son is gay or not I have always told my children to go off and find a better life for themselves. Even if this means them going to Australia or the USA. Sure when I am old I will wish them here but whilst I still have my faculties I want them to go where is best for them. By the time I don't have my faculties I won't know any difference.

Of course - I wasn't calling you a bad mother! I meant that in your version you probably expected visits and phone calls right? I'm just saying pretty soon you will be seeing your son on his terms, not on yours.

Winter_Jasmine

I'm just wondering, are you perhaps a slightly older mum? If you are then this, coupled with you being an army wife might perhaps be skewing your perception of how difficult things are nowadays for a young gay man or woman. I'm 34 and my age group have grown up with the idea that homophobia is wrong. I think you'd be hard pushed to find anyone under 40 who'd openly admit to being homophobic because that's the thing that's shameful, not being gay. My 17 year old niece is close friends with a boy who's known he was gay for years - he's a great lad and very popular. Equally I'm sure there are plenty of shy, socially awkward gay people with few friends. The fact that your son has lots of friends suggests that they like him for who he is. Also - if he's been kissing them, presumably they've been kissing him back?

As for the 'gay lifestyle' thing...I assume you mean something along the lines of heavy drinking, drugs, constant parties and extreme promiscuity. Obviously no mum would want this for their child. However, what I think you're frightened of is not a gay issue. Have a look at tv shows like Booze Britain or take a stroll aroud your local town centre late on a Saturday night. Peep down an alley and you'll find plenty of examples of straight kids who seem to have lost their moral compasses.

Gay people are just people
Gay lifestyles are just lifestyles

dancingfairy

I can understand the shock and your reaction. Sometimes there's details you just don't want to know about other peoples lives (and this is probably one of them).
I would try and have a chat with him if possible, say you are worried about him (see if he is worried about the drinking etc). You also need to consider that it could be people messing about posting inappropriate things on each others facebook accounts (yes it happens pretty often and the moreoutrageous the more likely it is to be a joke).
There is not much you can really do apart from explain you are worried about him, make sure he is having safe sex and knows the risks of having several parteners etc and maybe give him a number of the local LGBT switchboard if he wants to chat things through.
In terms of telling your husband, this is difficult. It might help you to chat through things but bear in mind that this could make things difficult for your son and your son probably doesn't know either way yet.
Best of Luck
df

C_Mababejive

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Sorry, but when has being fastidious about showing been a a sign of you sexuality ?

Phew...I'm straight