Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

mikey72

PinkPeach wrote: »

............. He's impossible to talk to when he's like this, I usually let him deal with it on his own until he's ready to talk which can usually be a few days - but if this is truely how he feels, then he may not ever start being nice again.............

When has he been like this before?

pearl123

The way he's behaving I'd be inclinded to say keep yourself to yourself. Don't bother much with him. Your OH does not sound rational at all.
I would suggest the you both seperate for a while as well.

ClareEmily

I wasn't going to reply but after your last post, you need to get to a place of safety i.e. get your mum or dad or friend, sibling? to pick you up and stay with them for a while until he gets some help.

I don't understand why MIL is leaving early, is she not concerned?

Do not leave him with the baby, and please tell your midwife.

eskimo26

Hello again as someone with M.E. i originally posted to give him the benefit of the doubt. My thoughts were he is probably stressed out because he was wondering how he would support his family if he lost his job because of a relapse.

But with these additional updates you have made i have to say it sounds very much like selfishness, bad depression or both.

I would go to your parents as his whole attitude atm makes the situation unsalvageable. His attitude is self-destructive- i mean what is the point of saying he doesn't want the baby? He must know their is no way you would get rid of it!

Go to your parents and if it is M.E. the extra space will help him recover. But again i don't think it is in the main so you might well have to use your parents' money for a place without him.

desert_rose

My ex-husband was exactly like this. Didn't want to know the new baby, couldn't cope with the constant attention I had to give to the baby and not him. Made disparaging, nasty remarks culminating in a rejection of our little one.
It was very, very hard to understand or to deal with.

Looking back, it was the start of a horrible downward spiral and it totally changed my relationship with him. Within a year, I'd left with my gorgeous baby.

We reconciled two years later (I felt sorry for him!) baby number two arrived and the same thing happened, except that this time, he became very, very nasty. I didn't stick around. Both myself and my two little ones found alternative accommodation and eventually, I restarted my life very successfully without him.

If you know in your heart that he isn't going to change, don't put off the inevitable. Your baby is the most important person in your world right now.

And rightly so.

mikey72

desert_rose wrote: »

..............If you know in your heart that he isn't going to change, don't put off the inevitable. Your baby is the most important person in your world right now.

And rightly so.

I think that is a fundamental difference between men and some women.
We hear the baby is the most important person in the world.

So what changed literally overnight?

How do you manage to completely switch off feelings for someone you have loved for years, and decided to bring another life into the world with?
Yesterday we were the most important person, now we don't matter, and can be instantly discarded.

I certainly didn't feel that way when we had our kids.
They were important additions to the family, but my wife remained the most important person to me, as part of an important family unit, with important babies in it.

Is she had been ill after childbirth, would I have concentrated on the baby and slung her out?
If she had PND, would I have left her?
If she had been like that before, would the baby be the reason my feelings towards her changed, and now she should go?
If they have elder siblings, teenagers, are they forced to accept they're no longer important, and made to leave if they don't accept the newcomer?

The baby is important, but not more so than everyone else.
The baby has many more needs, but the others' needs haven't gone away.
They need much more attention, but the others don't need less.

Maybe it's just me, but it would be interesting to hear if other men feel they could instantly switch to a new baby totally, to the complete exclusion of someone else.

Person_one

mikey72 wrote: »

I think that is a fundamental difference between men and some women.
We hear the baby is the most important person in the world.

So what changed literally overnight?

I'd have thought it was pretty obvious.

The baby is helpless, and completely dependent on its parents for its every need, physically, emotionally and developmentally. The parents created it, it wouldn't exist without them and now it needs their full attention in order to survive and grow up to be a happy and well adjusted adult.

The parents are supposed to already be well adjusted adults, they don't need the same level of input.

mikey72

Person_one wrote: »

I'd have thought it was pretty obvious.

The baby is helpless, and completely dependent on its parents for its every need, physically, emotionally and developmentally. The parents created it, it wouldn't exist without them and now it needs their full attention in order to survive and grow up to be a happy and well adjusted adult.

The parents are supposed to already be well adjusted adults, they don't need the same level of input.

If the baby needs the parents, why are you so fast to shut one out for the rest of your lives?
You were fine in a relationship last week, so what has changed so fundamentally in you that this week you're prepared never to live with him again?

That's what isn't obvious, how your love for someone else can instantly switch off.

Would you chuck out the siblings in that case as well?

Person_one

mikey72 wrote: »

If the baby needs the parents, why are you so fast to shut one out for the rest of your lives?
You were fine in a relationship last week, so what has changed so fundamentally in you that this week you're prepared never to live with him again?

That's what isn't obvious, how your love for someone else can instantly switch off.

Would you chuck out the siblings in that case as well?

I find it concerning that you don't see how extreme and abnormal the husband's behaviour is.

If he'd acted like a normal, supportive parent and partner who still loved his wife and also loved his new daughter, there wouldn't be an issue, she'd still want to be with him.

jayII

mikey72 wrote: »

I think that is a fundamental difference between men and some women.
We hear the baby is the most important person in the world.

So what changed literally overnight?

How do you manage to completely switch off feelings for someone you have loved for years, and decided to bring another life into the world with?
Yesterday we were the most important person, now we don't matter, and can be instantly discarded.

I certainly didn't feel that way when we had our kids.
They were important additions to the family, but my wife remained the most important person to me, as part of an important family unit, with important babies in it.

Is she had been ill after childbirth, would I have concentrated on the baby and slung her out?
If she had PND, would I have left her?
If she had been like that before, would the baby be the reason my feelings towards her changed, and now she should go?
If they have elder siblings, teenagers, are they forced to accept they're no longer important, and made to leave if they don't accept the newcomer?

The baby is important, but not more so than everyone else.
The baby has many more needs, but the others' needs haven't gone away.
They need much more attention, but the others don't need less.

Maybe it's just me, but it would be interesting to hear if other men feel they could instantly switch to a new baby totally, to the complete exclusion of someone else.

I'm a woman but I know my husband feels similarly to you about our children and myself.

BUT, he is also aware that babies and young children are very vulnerable and need to be cared for, protected and nurtured, both physically and emotionally if they are to grow up into healthy and balanced adults.

I think that the situation the OP finds herself in is simply unbearable, she feels that her child is potentially unsafe around ehr partner and that her partner is going out of his way to hurt them both. She has also said she thinks this is his personality, not the illness, so is unlikely to change.

Whatever her partner's issues, most parent's instincts tell them strongly to protect their vulnerable newborn baby and to ensure that they are able to care for that baby safely. However much she loves him, at this point the baby is extremely vulnerable on every level and her needs have to come first if she is to survive. Her partner is refusing to even help with the baby's most basic physical needs!