Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

PinkPeach

My husband and I had IVF and I gave birth to our baby girl 8 days ago. We spent 5 days in hospital as she had breathing problems when born. Throughout the pregnancy my husband wan't interested at all, even though he'd wanted the IVF. We've had a lot of stresses with trying to move house and other various life problems which have been going on for months since we conceived, but when she was born he seemed happy and wanted us home.

The first night he couldn't cope with her crying and slept downstairs, but did help out in the day. However, last night she cried again and he got angry and slept in the living room. His mother is staying with us until 27th to help us out. I ended up sharing a bed with her last night as he'd made me feel so bad that he couldn't stay in our bed because of the baby crying. Ridiculous I know.

This morning he's really angry and tired and has said he's not cut out for this. He said he won't cope with the tiredness once he goes back to work on Monday (even though he's always been a really bad sleeper). He made a comment that I'd have to deal with the baby and take me with her if I left as he wants nothing to do with her - I'm not sure if he was implying I should leave or if he will leave us.

I feel absolutely sick that this is happening and am petrified of his mum having to go home as I'm not sure if he will be worse when she is gone.

He hasn't even looked at the baby today whereas yesterday he was feeding her etc despite being tired. I'm very concerned that this isn't just a bad day as he's got a history of being moody and wanting the attention on him. I'm not sure what he expected of a new baby but he was supposed to become a full time stay at home dad in January when I go back to work. Now I'm not sure that he will cope or even want to do this anymore. This then makes me worry about how we'll pay the mortgage if I then end up looking after the baby.

We are due to move house within a couple of weeks and have borrowed money from our parents to do this. I'm worried we will move and he will then leave me or refuse to contribute to what we need to pay our families back.

Please, please can anyone give any advice on this? I'm scared to tell my parents about his behaviour because of the money they've loaned us and and also because I know they will worry sick. My mum is a big worrier and I'd hate to see her stressing, as previosly when we had a problems a few years ago before getting married I could see how much my problems affected her.

My baby is the priority but I don't know how to deal with him being like this. If I challenge his behaviour it WILL make things worse from my past experience and asking him to leave is not an option - he is very stubborn and wouldn't ever leave if asked. I want our relationship to work and for us to be a family but my hopes for this are being dashed. I never thought this would happen to me and am extremely embarassed as my friends want to see the baby but there is no way I can invite them over with him being like this.

Tropez

Personally, I'd be inclined to get him to see a GP.

It might sound odd but if he's always been a "bad sleeper" then this needs to be looked at as poor sleep can lead to high levels of irritability, anger problems, increased stress and difficulty coping with it and some mental health problems such as depression (can't cope).

PinkPeach

Thanks, he has ME so I don't think that helps with his sleeping. He's had such a bad time with doctors in getting a diagnosis with this that I don't think I'd be able to get him to go.

whitewing

PinkPeach,

Congratulations on a gorgeous new bundle. Tell your health visitor what is happening at home (preferably without your MIL or DH being present - go to the doctor surgery to see her. If she is unavailable, then see a doctor, and get everyone to make sure you have the appropriate support. You and your baby and your husband sound very vulnerable right now, sleepless nights will make it worse. You can be supported through this and have a happy baby.

I think you are right that maybe DH isn't cut out to be a househusband, but you can deal with that in November. Right now, you all need help in adapting to your new family life.

If you don't get too much help from the surgery, call nhs direct. There is a lot of support and experience out there, but you may not find the right person immediately.

Sounds to me like DH may be having some anxiety problems. A doctor would be able to help him with that, or assess if medication could be appropriate. He could always go to a walk in centre if the hours are more convenient to him.

gingin_2

Congratulations on the baby

What does his mother say? She must know something is up if you had to share a bad with her. If it was my son I would give him a stern talking to, adult or not, and try to get him to support you.

fannyanna

I know it's not him that had the baby physically but it kind of sounds like post natal depression.

I would second trying to get him to the GP or at least a counsellor.

It's a huge shock to the system and a massive change to his life so it is understandable.

Having said that though I really feel for you as you're the one that has just given birth and needs support - not the stress that he is creating.

Alias_Omega

Took me a few days to come on board to our first child (wife's 2nd).

Baby being inside you is different to being on the outside.

Give it time..

Mojisola

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thanks, he has ME so I don't think that helps with his sleeping. He's had such a bad time with doctors in getting a diagnosis with this that I don't think I'd be able to get him to go.

If he has ME, he's coping very well just being able to go to work!

If he is losing even more sleep, it may just be tipping him over the edge and making him unable to cope. Emotional lability is one of the symptoms of ME and it may be that he isn't managing the illness so well and his symptoms are getting worse.

Add to that any fears he may have about not being able to cope as a father/be a good provider/etc and it's easy to see what an impact the baby's arrival may be having on him.

It must be very worrying for you but it will only be resolved by talking things through and supporting each other.

FBaby

Maybe the shock is all too much for him. It hits some a lot more than others, some are a bit more clued at the impact of a new baby in their lives than others.

Just a question if it is not indiscret? Were you trying long before you had IVF? I'm asking because it very well could be that during that time, he had prepared himself mentally to never be a dad and mentally, he might still be in that mode, hence struggling to accept the demands of being dad.

Another possibility is that he is just not a newborn type of person. For many, they remain little aliens, even their own. It takes them time to feel comfortable around them and start bonding. For some, it takes many months. It is highly frustrating for the mum, especially when she is left to do everything, but ultimately, it doesn't always make them bad dads.

Remember that you are now a mum to your baby, not your husband. Be there for him, encourage him to communicate and try as much as you can not to get angry, but ultimately, you need to dedicate all your energy to your baby who is going to take it all on you, especially if you are mainly on your own, so your husband will have to at least respect this.

Person_one

I think the advice to speak to your health visitor or GP is good and I can't add to it, but I just want to say how awful I feel for you that you're going through this at what should be some of the happiest days of your life.

Whatever the reasons behind his behaviour its absolutely unacceptable, don't keep it to yourself and don't just resign yourself to it.

Best of luck, I really hope things work out for you and this is just a tiny blip.

pleasedelete

Is he the biological father or was it by donor?