Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

Nicki

Person_one wrote: »

You're the only one who's said anything like the bolded by the way.

I must have misunderstood the posters who described him as "bloody self centred" and the ones who told her that she and the baby would be better off on their own then. I have to say as someone who did suffer from bad PND, that would not have been what I could have coped with hearing at this stage post partum, irrespective of how my husband was in fact behaving.

As another poster has already said, this form of emotional instability is a significant symptom of ME particularly in an acute phase, and acute phases of ME are very often triggered by exhaustion, over excitement, stress and over exertion. So, it is possibly more excusable that he needs a bit of "bringing round" to the situation, and more helpful to the OP, IMHO, for us to support her insofar as we can, rather than all pile in to criticise the husband for letting his illness get too much for him, particularly as managed well all of this could be of relatively short duration.

More info on what OP's husband could well be experiencing right this moment, and evidence to support the assertion that these symptoms would be likely to present in the circumstances of this case:

http://www.meassociation.org.uk/?page_id=1685

Racheldevon

Hi, i've had a quick read through the pages, and I don't think anyone has yet suggested your local Sure Start Children's Centre. If you have a look on google, you'll find your nearest centre, which provides free services antenatally until your child's fifth birthday. There is a huge amount of support you can get through this, so give them a call and ask to meet with someone. They can also provide the wider family support, and support you in dealing with the relationship issues via a range of methods. Should you decide not to remain in the relationship they will be able to work with you around housing - it doesn't mean you have to leave the property. They are highly likely to have a free counselling service, which might be of use, alongside various groups and services that you can attend with your baby.

Person_one

Errata wrote: »

From the OP's other thread, her husband threatened to walk out a few months ago because the neighbours were stressing him out. He didn't seem to bothered about leaving behind a heavily pregnant wife to be stressed out by the neighbours.

Oh god I remember that thread.

I really hoped it would turn out differently, OP I'm so sorry it didn't.

cottonhead

Congratulations on the new arrival ! Nothing can prepare you for a baby - no matter how many books you read or how mnay people tell you what it will be like, you dont know until you experience it for yourself and partly because reading books etc doenst alter the chemical makeup of your body like having a baby does. You probably feel more emotional than normal too so things seem a lot worse now. Before I had my baby I was quite tough. Now I cry at disney films !
I had a similar issue actually when our baby arrived. My husband doenst do well at all with broken / little sleep and it was a sudden shift not having all my attention. We had some terrible rows. Also at this early stage its difficult for a man to bond with a baby as much as a woman. Babies dont do much do they. Once she smiles and wants to play and says her first word he will probably interact more. Not saying you have to wait that long by the way - just probably longer than it is for a mum to bond.
Maybe part of the problem is also the sudden realisation that he has to provide for a new life both financially and emotionaly. Its a big responsibility especially if you lack confidence in yourself which could be a possibility. Yes it can be very hard to convince someone to go to the GP but perhaps he has depression ? Certainly sounds like some of the symptoms. Dont take it too personally - if he gets stressed with other things its not you or the baby its the way he deals with things that needs to change. That doesnt mean I am blaming him. If his illness is causing this its that that needs to be sorted not him. Im sure he would rather enjoy parenthood more too. you have your parents and mum in law to hand so thats great.
Try and give him plenty of space and peace and quiet where possible. If you need help domt be afriad to ask someone other than your husband. Also remember that some men are just less hands on than others. Some men like cooking whilst others are better at diy or gardening. same with kids. Dont take that as a sign he doenst care.
Things will get better with time x

daska

Actually ME sheds light on that other thread as well. Having had this blasted condition for 6 years now I can attest to the futility of trying the solution of a few sharp words. It really would do more harm than good :wall:

Does his mum understand ME, could you ask her for help with getting him to the GP? My experience is that GPs will prescribe sleeping tablets for short term use when they feel it's necessary, I always have a supply of temazepan in stock because of the impact broken sleep has on my energy levels. But an anti-depressant may be helpful, if it helps to sell the idea I find it's better to describe it as being a means of preventing the waste of energy though excessive mood swings and worry. If not then try a herbalist or even off the shelf remedies - my herbalist prescribed skullcap and that worked really well.

Could you co-sleep with the baby for the time-being? Especially if you're breast feeding it's far less like hard work than having to get up to give feeds. And, more importantly, it will reduce the disruption to your husband's sleeping thereby enabling him to cope better. Sort of a win:win:win situation

And give him a hug from a fellow sufferer, it's not fun inside that head when it's got a grip.

whitewing

skullcap - I've never heard of that but it sounds like it could appeal to men!

go_cat

I wonder if the OPs husband is affected by the baby being kept in hospital and the worry linked to that, and then got PTSD.

I speak from experience as I nearly died in labour and my DH got PTSD but we didn't recognise it at the time, all I knew was how distant he was. It's only now 5 1/2 years later we spoke about it and he admitted how scared he was and thought he was going to lose me and our DS becausr of how ill i had been so couldn't bond straight away.

The problem was that was when I needed the support.

oP he needs to see a doctor straight away, he needs professional help and you need your husbands support too.

missindecisive

op. congratulations and a big hug.

you've both been through a lot, and nobodys perfect, sometimes its difficult to cope with the shock of a new baby and all it entails.

let him sleep in the spare room if he wants to.
make full use of mother in law if help is on offer.
get some rest, never mind the house work., just make sure you both have meals and sleep.
in a few months, the baby will sleep better, and feed better, and you will settle into some sort of routine, then you will be able to plan a little of your future, and about work etc. Try not to worry about that now. Im sure your husband loves you both very much but he is probably in a state of shock and anxiety.

desert_rose

Have a word with him - he needs to 'man up'. He's not a child and all this wringing of hands and making excuses isn't helping anyone.

He's a wimp.

Quite frankly.

daska

desert_rose wrote: »

Have a word with him - he needs to 'man up'. He's not a child and all this wringing of hands and making excuses isn't helping anyone.

He's a wimp.

Quite frankly.

And in the news today:

'Yuppie flu' is a serious disease, says study

I guess you'd tell me to 'woman up'...