Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

whitewing

Although we didn't have fertility treatment or any particular methods (apart from the obvious putting the bits in the right place!), it took us 18 months to get pregnant. By that point all my attention was on trying and being pregnant (daily scans at one point). The baby itself hadn't really been thought about. (And it was my husband's first). It was a massive change.

OP, how are things now?

Fire_Fox

"We spent 5 days in hospital as she had breathing problems when born. Throughout the pregnancy my husband wan't interested at all, even though he'd wanted the IVF. We've had a lot of stresses with trying to move house and other various life problems which have been going on for months since we conceived, but when she was born he seemed happy and wanted us home."

They both had a hand in planning and talking about this baby and they both knew he had ME. But that was months ago and life changes, they went through a great deal during the IVF, personal stress during the pregnancy, more stress with the birth and they have been planning a move on top of that. That amount of stress can be devastating for a healthy person, even more so for someone with ME and for the mother. It's not about who DESERVES more support or a competition it's about who NEEDS more support, if it's both then they urgently need family or friends, their doctor onside or a health visitor. We don't have to take sides or pass judgement or lay blame, we can have empathy for all concerned.

poet123

Nicki wrote: »

Depends what she needs to do to support him really. I think you are being a touch hysterical here. There are loads of us out there who manage perfectly well looking after more than one children, which might include a baby at some point. I don't think mojisola envisaged that OP would have to look after her OH to the same extent that she would have to look after a 2 year old for example, yet a huge number of mums have a 2 year age gap between their children and manage perfectly well to look after both their newborns and their toddlers and run their homes when their husbands go back to work!

Personally, I managed with a sick newborn who screamed 20 hours a day and was failure to thrive for the first 6 months, a 7 year old with severe learning difficulties and an 8 year old when my husband went back to work after 2 weeks paternity leave and am still here 3 years later alive and kicking to tell the tale.

We aren't asking her to run a nuclear power plant single handedly whilst attachment parenting a baby! Just to accept that she cannot rely on her husband for a consistent level of support every day, and to plan for the fact that she will have to make allowances for his health on a regular basis.

I don't think that there is any "just" about that situation.

For me it is not about his lack of physical support, as you say we have all had to get on with that when we have had babies. It is his lack of emotional support and his apparent disregard for her feelings.

The title of the OP is heartbreaking, in her shoes I would be much more able to cope with the practicalities on my own or with the help of friends and family if my sick husband was there for me emotionally, and was understanding that his lack of involvement due to his illness was bearable if he was there for me in other ways.

daska

sassyblue wrote: »

No, for that part he can man up, the OP has one baby to look after already.

Managing ME is a question of balance, if you change the balance temporarily it has a knock on effect which then requires time and rest to restore. If you move that balance permanently then you simply get worse.

daska

sassyblue wrote: »

So it's not all down to an illness. :mad: I'm wondering if he'll ever be able to cope with a child..... that said, you've got an awful lot going on at the moment, new baby and moving house are two major things all in the space of a few weeks.

Whether he wants to or not, he HAS to go and talk to someone and see if he can get any help. You can't possibly do all this on your own. Then YOU need to reach out and get some support in place, however ill he is YOU are the one who truly needs help at the moment.

It may be or it may not be. ME accentuates things. People normally have up and down days, you add in ME and stress and the down days are like nothing you've ever imagined. He needs help, yes, but you can't assume that the moody days aren't a result of the illness.

Prior to ME I was the patient, tolerant one. With ME my emotions are literally uncontrollable without help - which is sometimes simply in the form of being left alone to do nothing, in a quiet place.

sassyblue

Mojisola wrote: »

It's possible that the urge to get pregnant and all the work involved eclipsed their thinking about how they would cope when it actually happened.

Many fit and healthy people are completely thrown by how much the first baby disrupts life and how much work is involved!

Don't need to tell me. I know this first hand, ttc for 8 years, had IVF and was shocked by how much work babies were when our DS arrived.

This is why l feel for the OP, when our son was born hubby decided he was going to carry on doing up our house (we'd only moved in months before), it didn't matter how much l begged or pleaded hubby wouldn't listen.

I know how hard it is, and that's why l believe the OP has enough on her plate, it was a lonely, lonely time.

daska

OP, if you think he's at risk of going down hill you need to recruit all the help you can. Embarrassment is not an emotion you can allow yourself.

System

You can still be ill and take an interest in your newborn child. I'm not saying changing nappies or bathing her but at least he could make the right noises at the right time instead of bleating comments like

He made a comment that I'd have to deal with the baby and take me with her if I left as he wants nothing to do with her

Wilma33

How well do you get on with your MIL? Can you have a good chat with her? I think her support might be key.

daska

Judi wrote: »

You can still be ill and take an interest in your newborn child. I'm not saying changing nappies or bathing her but at least he could make the right noises at the right time instead of bleating comments like

Ideally, yes, but the chances are he's not capable of thinking straight as a result of the ME and the added stress of broken sleep and new baby. It really does screw with your brain.