Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

FBaby

PinkPeach, how are YOU feeling? Are you sad at your husband attitude, disappointed,worried, or are you feeling resentful (or a bit of all of it?).

It's all very well to consider his feelings but yours are important too. After all, it you posting here, not him.

Errata

andygb wrote: »

Thus ignoring his medical problem (plus another possible one), which is the obvious cause of all this. If he has ME, then this would be a very stressful time for him, and if I were the OP, then I would get him booked into the GP, in order to have tests done for Sleep Apnoea as well. If he did have sleep apnea, then this is exactly the same as sleep deprivation, which means that he will be constantly tired, depressed, confused, and his blood pressure may increase, and there could well be damage to his heart.

And why would that lot make someone say

He made a comment that I'd have to deal with the baby and take me with her if I left as he wants nothing to do with her

Those are not the words of a man who has a heart.

anguk

FBaby wrote: »

PinkPeach, how are YOU feeling? Are you sad at your husband attitude, disappointed,worried, or are you feeling resentful (or a bit of all of it?).

It's all very well to consider his feelings but yours are important too. After all, it you posting here, not him.

That's a very good point, most of the posts have been sympathetic to the husband which is understandable because of his illness but this also affects the OP too. It's all very well talking about the husband needing sleep and support but the poor OP needs sleep and support too. The husband has his illness to cope with but the OP has their baby, her husband and his illness to cope with.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

andygb wrote: »

Thus ignoring his medical problem (plus another possible one), which is the obvious cause of all this. If he has ME, then this would be a very stressful time for him, and if I were the OP, then I would get him booked into the GP, in order to have tests done for Sleep Apnoea as well. If he did have sleep apnea, then this is exactly the same as sleep deprivation, which means that he will be constantly tired, depressed, confused, and his blood pressure may increase, and there could well be damage to his heart.

I have OSA. Partners know about it due to the stopping breathing when asleep and snoring loud enough to wake the dead. There wouldn't be any 'I can't sleep' business, he'd be falling asleep all the time and very little would wake him. And no, it isn't exactly the same as sleep deprivation. You don't turn into a self centred !!!!!! just because a baby gets more attention than you do, for a start, or threaten to abandon them because the neighbours are annoying you.



He is, quite simply, being a complete coq about this.



How DARE he get angry because a baby is crying? Getting angry automatically makes it harder to consider leaving the child with him for so long as it takes to go to the toilet alone.




He may very well be unwell. But that doesn't take away from his faults, which appear to be many.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

He's ill!

If her OH was a wheelchair user, would you suggest he "manned up" and got back on his feet to help with the baby?

I thought ME was a physical illness, he is still responsible for the way he's communicating with and treating his wife.

lostinrates

I jave chronic ill health, lots of features are not disimilar to ME (originally before things got more 'serious' ME was considered as a diagnosis so i tend to have sympthy, because if can be mistaken for what happened to me its in no way like 'bad flu'). But lots of ME sufferers are parents, some are single parents and would be horrified if they lost custody of their children becUse of their ME.

Mojisola

anguk wrote: »

I can understand the problems ME can bring and that the husband may not be able to physically support his wife but he could support her emotionally. I appreciate ME can have a knock on effect with emotions especially if the husband is tired but there's no need for some of the things he's said and even if he can't physically do anything for the baby he can still show interest in her.

Going by what the OP has said it's not just his illness that is the problem it's also the way he is, wanting attention and she also says if she challenges his behaviour he just gets worse.

Sometimes it's very easy to blame everything on an illness but the truth is sometimes it's just bad behaviour.

I've had this problem with relatives not understanding how ME affects me. If I'm starting to reach my limits, I have to "shut down" - it's like running a house on a generator - you can have the lights on OR the washing machine OR the oven. I can stay upright and listen to a conversation but can't react or join in.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

I can stay upright and listen to a conversation but can't react or join in.

You aren't compelled to make cruel remarks though?

Nicki

Person_one wrote: »

I thought ME was a physical illness, he is still responsible for the way he's communicating with and treating his wife.

Which just goes to show you didn't read the link I posted which explains exactly what it is. Psychological disruption is a key element of the condition - described in the link as emotional lability I think.

It's dead easy to say "I don't have this condition, but if I did I wouldn't do x,y or z" when you in fact have no idea what you would do if your body and mind were affected.

I could say "I'm not pregnant but if I were, there's no way I would let my waters break in public where someone else might have to mop up" and I know lots of people with ulcerative colitis for example, who before they got that awful condition would have said that there was no way on earth however desperate they were that they would ever soil themselves, or people who before they got depressed who would say "however bad things get, I'd never consider suicide". No one knows how they would be affected by a medical condition and how they would cope with it if they were, and no two people are affected the same way. Pontificating about how you would deal with things when you aren't in the position of the person you are judging doesn't confer any moral superiority.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

I thought ME was a physical illness, he is still responsible for the way he's communicating with and treating his wife.

It affects you physically and cognitively. So communicating can be very difficult and you can express yourself badly or just not feel able to cope at all.

It's awful for PinkPeach that what should be a joyous time is being spoiled but, if her OH's reactions are because of his health, it needs to be dealt with differently than if he's just being mean and nasty.

All of them - Mum, Dad and baby - will be better off if it is dealt with appropriately. If she treats a sick man as an uncaring so-and-so, things will deteriorate very quickly.

Our ME support group looks to help the family members understand what their relatives are going through because it makes life better for everyone concerned.

Nicki's post (15) gave some brilliant advice. PinkPeach - call in all the help you can and, if you can manage the time, go on some of the ME forums and ask how other couples have coped in this situation.