Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

sassyblue

daska wrote: »

It may be or it may not be. ME accentuates things. People normally have up and down days, you add in ME and stress and the down days are like nothing you've ever imagined. He needs help, yes, but you can't assume that the moody days aren't a result of the illness.

Prior to ME I was the patient, tolerant one. With ME my emotions are literally uncontrollable without help - which is sometimes simply in the form of being left alone to do nothing, in a quiet place.

I know what you're saying but that was in response to the OP saying she didn't think it was a result of the ME.

PinkPeach wrote: »

I'm very concerned that this isn't just a bad day as he's got a history of being moody and wanting the attention on him.

System

I still think he needs a kick up the bum. The OP has enough to cope with with one baby not two..... Damn it ive said it now!

CH27

Judi wrote: »

I still think he needs a kick up the bum. The OP has enough to cope with with one baby not two..... Damn it ive said it now!

And totally showed your lack of understanding about ME.

GracieP

Dustykitten wrote: »

Please do not go for both of these options. I have nothing against co sleeping but do not think it is a good idea if either of you has been drinking or taking sleeping tablets.

I thought that maybe Daska meant that the OP and the baby could co-sleep while the husband sleeps in another room for the time being? If he has has a sleep related illness and will soon have to be up for work most mornings, I don't think it's unfair to suggest that the OP takes over night feeds and nappy changes for the time being, while he is allowed to sleep undisturbed in another room. She can sleep during the day, while he can't. And on average women who co-sleep with the baby (or at least have the baby's crib right by their bed) report less tiredness with a newborn.

In the meantime she can do shopping online, stock up on pre-prepared foods and let the rest of the housework go hang. If he is up to it, he can take over one weekend night a week, so she has at least one night of unbroken sleep, although if breastfeeding that won't work, so she may as well let him sleep. Lots of couples do this anyway as it makes sense for the working parent to get a full night's sleep, with ME in the mix I think it's probably a necessary step for them to take.

System

And totally showed your lack of understanding about ME.

Not at all, my friend had ME. She had 4 small children and a husband who needed a lot of medical attention. There was days when she could hardly drag herself out of bed but she had to. She bawled her head off to me more than one occasion and i'd help her with her housework and take the kids to school when she needed me to. She had to battle with the GP who's answer was to give her anti depressants until she saw another doctor who diagnosed her straight away. So yes, i do know about ME.

I still think his attitude stinks. The baby was planned and he lost interest as soon as she got pregnant.

You can excuse bad behavior if you chuck enough medical terms at it but its not to say its right.

PinkPeach

Thanks for your replies.

His ME diagnosis was made only a few months ago, so after we'd had the IVF treatment. I'd never have gone through with it had I known this would happen and as he was so enthusiastic about having a child, I had no reason to think he wouldn't cope.
We had 2 goes at IVF and were successful the second time, we weren't trying for a baby that long as it turns out we are both reproductively challenged and so were referred to a fertility centre by the doctor quite quickly.

His mother actually left him and his siblings for another man when they were teenagers and so he ended up homeless for quite a while. For this reason she knows she has no real right as such to put him in his place, as he wouldn't listen to her because of this (although they get on ok now, they don't have that kind of very close relationship). His dad has passed away and so he isn't around to help.

Unforunatley things today are no better. I've now told the midwife and my parents. The midwife said this isnt' a normal reaction but that given his health issues and the stress of moving house she thinks the baby may have sparked off another ME episode.

daska

GracieP wrote: »

I thought that maybe Daska meant that the OP and the baby could co-sleep while the husband sleeps in another room for the time being? If he has has a sleep related illness and will soon have to be up for work most mornings, I don't think it's unfair to suggest that the OP takes over night feeds and nappy changes for the time being, while he is allowed to sleep undisturbed in another room. She can sleep during the day, while he can't. And on average women who co-sleep with the baby (or at least have the baby's crib right by their bed) report less tiredness with a newborn.

In the meantime she can do shopping online, stock up on pre-prepared foods and let the rest of the housework go hang. If he is up to it, he can take over one weekend night a week, so she has at least one night of unbroken sleep, although if breastfeeding that won't work, so she may as well let him sleep. Lots of couples do this anyway as it makes sense for the working parent to get a full night's sleep, with ME in the mix I think it's probably a necessary step for them to take.

Yes, my suggestion was intended as the OP and the baby to co-sleep to allow dad to get the rest he needs. It's far easier - and I say that as a mum with ME LOL

daska

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

His ME diagnosis was made only a few months ago, so after we'd had the IVF treatment. I'd never have gone through with it had I known this would happen and as he was so enthusiastic about having a child, I had no reason to think he wouldn't cope.
We had 2 goes at IVF and were successful the second time, we weren't trying for a baby that long as it turns out we are both reproductively challenged and so were referred to a fertility centre by the doctor quite quickly.

His mother actually left him and his siblings for another man when they were teenagers and so he ended up homeless for quite a while. For this reason she knows she has no real right as such to put him in his place, as he wouldn't listen to her because of this (although they get on ok now, they don't have that kind of very close relationship). His dad has passed away and so he isn't around to help.

Unforunatley things today are no better. I've now told the midwife and my parents. The midwife said this isnt' a normal reaction but that given his health issues and the stress of moving house she thinks the baby may have sparked off another ME episode.

It's entirely possible, if not probable. It isn't something that just goes away, you're always at risk of another downturn. And it's also possible that what you thought of as 'moody days' were a manifestation of it. It isn't just a case of being tired, it affects how you cope in every aspect of your life. As I said earlier, it accentuates things, and just as normal people have up and down days so do those with ME - with knobs on.

anguk

I can understand the problems ME can bring and that the husband may not be able to physically support his wife but he could support her emotionally. I appreciate ME can have a knock on effect with emotions especially if the husband is tired but there's no need for some of the things he's said and even if he can't physically do anything for the baby he can still show interest in her.

Going by what the OP has said it's not just his illness that is the problem it's also the way he is, wanting attention and she also says if she challenges his behaviour he just gets worse.

Sometimes it's very easy to blame everything on an illness but the truth is sometimes it's just bad behaviour.

andygb

gingin wrote: »

Congratulations on the baby

What does his mother say? She must know something is up if you had to share a bad with her. If it was my son I would give him a stern talking to, adult or not, and try to get him to support you.

Thus ignoring his medical problem (plus another possible one), which is the obvious cause of all this. If he has ME, then this would be a very stressful time for him, and if I were the OP, then I would get him booked into the GP, in order to have tests done for Sleep Apnoea as well. If he did have sleep apnea, then this is exactly the same as sleep deprivation, which means that he will be constantly tired, depressed, confused, and his blood pressure may increase, and there could well be damage to his heart.