Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

eskimo26

I'm gobsmacked he has .M.E. and you presumably know what he is like with this illness and you guys decided to have a baby!

What some people might not appreciate with this condition is that it is a very hard to get your lifestyle balanced, you on the tip of a needle.

When something comes along to unbalance you it often results in you looking down at the chasm of a relapse in your condition.

I mean i can't even work, i know of people who are wheelchair bound from the muscle and fatigue pain. To get the balance right to the point you can hold down a job is something to be carefully preserved.

Anyway it's all well and good thinking in retrospect but all i can recommend [and this is going to sound utterly stupid given the situation] is to keep his stress levels down, because in M.E. that's often a killer.

He should see his GP and explain EVERYTHING. Might result in therapy or meds but the problem is some people with ME are chemically sensitive so pharmaceuticals can trigger symptoms.

Mojisola

desert_rose wrote: »

Have a word with him - he needs to 'man up'. He's not a child and all this wringing of hands and making excuses isn't helping anyone.

He's a wimp.

Quite frankly.

He's ill!

If her OH was a wheelchair user, would you suggest he "manned up" and got back on his feet to help with the baby?

sassyblue

PinkPeach wrote: »

I'm very concerned that this isn't just a bad day as he's got a history of being moody and wanting the attention on him.

So it's not all down to an illness. :mad: I'm wondering if he'll ever be able to cope with a child..... that said, you've got an awful lot going on at the moment, new baby and moving house are two major things all in the space of a few weeks.

Whether he wants to or not, he HAS to go and talk to someone and see if he can get any help. You can't possibly do all this on your own. Then YOU need to reach out and get some support in place, however ill he is YOU are the one who truly needs help at the moment.

mikey72

daska wrote: »

Actually ME sheds light on that other thread as well. Having had this blasted condition for 6 years now I can attest to the futility of trying the solution of a few sharp words. It really would do more harm than good :wall:

Does his mum understand ME, could you ask her for help with getting him to the GP? My experience is that GPs will prescribe sleeping tablets for short term use when they feel it's necessary, I always have a supply of temazepan in stock because of the impact broken sleep has on my energy levels. But an anti-depressant may be helpful, if it helps to sell the idea I find it's better to describe it as being a means of preventing the waste of energy though excessive mood swings and worry. If not then try a herbalist or even off the shelf remedies - my herbalist prescribed skullcap and that worked really well.

Could you co-sleep with the baby for the time-being? Especially if you're breast feeding it's far less like hard work than having to get up to give feeds. And, more importantly, it will reduce the disruption to your husband's sleeping thereby enabling him to cope better. Sort of a win:win:win situation

And give him a hug from a fellow sufferer, it's not fun inside that head when it's got a grip.

Spot on.
It's very misunderstood.

There are times when even standing up is nearly impossible.
Broken sleep is one of the worse things to happen to an ME sufferer, and is followed by a bad day.
And after a few nights, lack of any sleep causes an inability to cope with simple things, loss of memory, irritability, and depression.
He may seemed like he wanted to be the centre of attention, possibly he just needed to feel he was still there, and now the baby is here I'm sure he seems to him he has been pushed to one side, but he still needs you to do what you used to do for him, which was probably a lot of little things you hadn't noticed you were even doing.

sassyblue

mikey72 wrote: »

Spot on.
It's very misunderstood.

There are times when even standing up is nearly impossible.
Broken sleep is one of the worse things to happen to an ME sufferer, and is followed by a bad day.
And after a few nights, lack of any sleep causes an inability to cope with simple things, loss of memory, irritability, and depression.
He may seemed like he wanted to be the centre of attention, possibly he just needed to feel he was still there, and now the baby is here I'm sure he seems to him he has been pushed to one side, but he still needs you to do what you used to do for him, which was probably a lot of little things you hadn't noticed you were even doing.

No, for that part he can man up, the OP has one baby to look after already.

poet123

mikey72 wrote: »

Spot on.
It's very misunderstood.

There are times when even standing up is nearly impossible.
Broken sleep is one of the worse things to happen to an ME sufferer, and is followed by a bad day.
And after a few nights, lack of any sleep causes an inability to cope with simple things, loss of memory, irritability, and depression.
He may seemed like he wanted to be the centre of attention, possibly he just needed to feel he was still there, and now the baby is here I'm sure he seems to him he has been pushed to one side, but he still needs you to do what you used to do for him, which was probably a lot of little things you hadn't noticed you were even doing.

I have absolutely no patience with this kind of male reaction I am afraid. This was presumably a much planned and talked about child, the OP must be devastated at how this is panning out.

lilibet1

I'm afraid I argree with poet. OP will be going through enough (I remember those early days too well) his reaction is very unfair. I really hope that you get the support from somewhere OP you need it xxx

FBaby

I think that if she could already accept that she might have to do the lion share of parenting in the first few weeks/months, this would be already showing him a lot of appreciation for his illness. Expecting that she continues to treat him like a dependent would be him not taking responsibility for his illness. He can't have it all. If he didn't think he would be able to cope without her support, let alone being able to cope with him becoming a parent, then he certainly shouldn't have gone ahead with IVF. Limitations due to illness don't excuse everything.

Nicki

poet123 wrote: »

I have absolutely no patience with this kind of male reaction I am afraid. This was presumably a much planned and talked about child, the OP must be devastated at how this is panning out.

Presumably they both knew when they started trying for a baby that he had ME, or at least by the time the IVF took place, and how this affected him? So OP also knew beforehand what she was letting herself in for and there might be times when she would need to look to others for help and support because her husband would not be well enough to provide it? This sounds like one of those times.

I don't have ME. I know two people who do and have read a bit about it consequently. I am told that when it is bad, it feels like having bad flu. I HAVE had bad flu (and even not so bad flu) when my children were young, and I will hold my hands up and confess that I was snappy and irritable because I felt absolutely awful. I also expressed the view out loud and in tears that I was not able to cope with the demands of motherhood. Its what you do, if you are not a saint, when your whole body aches, you are weak and dizzy and barely strong enough to get out of bed and walk upright across the floor, yet have to feed and care for babies and deal with them when they cry.

I am glad when I had flu, which lasts a little over a week that my husband had patience with me and helped me as much as he was able when I needed it. I think I would need that all the more if I had ME which lasts for considerably longer. OP can insist her OH pushes through his illness and does everything she would like at this point, in which case her OH may not be well enough ever to give ANY support or help with the baby, or she can accept that he will have bad days and even a chain of bad days where he feels very unwell and isn't able to help at all, and better days when he just feels mildly unwell and is able to help a lot more. It is very bad timing that this has happened now, but I don't suppose her husband had any choice in that any more than OP does. Baby has only been home for 4 days, and he has helped with feeds on some of those days after all, so its not like he has made no effort at all despite his illness.

I have had 3 children by the way, 2 by c section, 1 where I was extremely ill afterwards with a PPH and needed hospitalisation for 10 days after the birth. I was grateful for any and all help offered but I wasn't incapable of looking after the baby without it. Single mothers and those whose husbands work or serve overseas manage fine, as do mums whose husbands only take 1 or 2 days paternity leave. Its not ideal that OP's husband is ill at the moment as I say, but nor is it catastrophic.

Mojisola

mikey72 wrote: »

but he still needs you to do what you used to do for him, which was probably a lot of little things you hadn't noticed you were even doing.

sassyblue wrote: »

No, for that part he can man up, the OP has one baby to look after already.

Not necessarily. If the things she was doing for him meant that he was well enough to go to work, then not continuing could have a massive effect on their finances. OP's OH may only be managing to keep going to work because of the things she does for him at home.

For example, I was able to spend time and energy caring for my parents because I knew that someone at home would make an evening meal for me. If I had needed to "keep back" enough energy to make a meal, go shopping, etc, I wouldn't have been able to spend so much time with them.