Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

halight

poet123 wrote: »

I agree the first few weeks are hard but I think you are all being very forgiving here. Presumably he agreed to have this child, and did so with the knowledge of his illness, so he needs to accept that life will change. All new parents are tired, but his mum is around and the OP seems very accepting so I can't imagine he is being expected to do a great deal, it seems to me he is just having a tantrum because his life has altered and taking it out on the OP.

I personally don't think this is acceptable and if I were his mother seeing this I would be making that clear to him. The OP has obviously had a lot of stress and the actual birth to go through, then the issues with the baby, she deserves support and understanding not anger and resentment.

As a Dad. I can not understand why he feels like this. Being like this.

That.s why I think its something to do with his mental health.

If Its not. or he wont get help. Then I think she and baby would be better off on there own. As hard as that would be.

Person_one

whitewing wrote: »

I don't think we're being so much forgiving, as thinking that now isn't the time to escalate situations.

Its not the time to ignore them and let unacceptable behaviour carry on.

Honestly, in his frame of mind, I wouldn't want to leave him alone with the baby for even a second, that's not a situation that can be allowed to continue.

The lack of support and the negativity are increasing the mum's risk of PND too.

Dustykitten

PinkPeach wrote: »

I'm very concerned that this isn't just a bad day as he's got a history of being moody and wanting the attention on him.

So this behaviour is not totally unusual for him. For now I'd just give it time. Make yourself and baby absolute priority. Do what you can to make sure all 3 of you get as much rest as possible.

I guess the midwife is still visiting you at home so could you have a quiet word with her.

Wishing you all the very best of luck x

Errata

What on earth is the MIL doing? If he was my son I'd be walking him down to the bottom of the garden and giving him the benefit of my words of wisdom.
He needs to stop being so bloody self centred and make his child his priority, not himself.
OP I'm really sorry this is how things have turned out, in your shoes I'd be thinking very hard about what he may be capable of in the future, if you can trust him with the responsibility - and if not, what are you going to do to safeguard your child's future if he can't be relied on.

Nicki

Person_one wrote: »

The lack of support and the negativity are increasing the mum's risk of PND too.

Hmmmm. What's most calculated to trigger PND with the mum of an 8 day old baby and a dad with problems? To tell her he is a selfish bum who is behaving this way deliberately and she should kick him out and go it alone? Or to remind her of his previously diagnosed serious health issue which could be causing or at least contributing to this behaviour and give some ideas where she can find support for her and the baby?

This is the man she chose to start a family with, and went through the trauma of infertility and IVF for, not some random stranger who knocked her up on a one night stand and who she doesn't care if she never sees again. I would guess OP wants to find a way to make her marriage work and bring her husband round to the situation with a new baby. I don't think your posts help in any way with that.

Person_one

Nicki wrote: »

Hmmmm. What's most calculated to trigger PND with the mum of an 8 day old baby and a dad with problems? To tell her he is a selfish bum who is behaving this way deliberately and she should kick him out and go it alone? Or to remind her of his previously diagnosed serious health issue which could be causing or at least contributing to this behaviour and give some ideas where she can find support for her and the baby?

Well, there aren't many studies that are about the OPs exact situation, but isolation and an unsupportive partner are definitely risk factors.

You're the only one who's said anything like the bolded by the way.

poet123

Nicki wrote: »

Hmmmm. What's most calculated to trigger PND with the mum of an 8 day old baby and a dad with problems? To tell her he is a selfish bum who is behaving this way deliberately and she should kick him out and go it alone? Or to remind her of his previously diagnosed serious health issue which could be causing or at least contributing to this behaviour and give some ideas where she can find support for her and the baby?

This is the man she chose to start a family with, and went through the trauma of infertility and IVF for, not some random stranger who knocked her up on a one night stand and who she doesn't care if she never sees again. I would guess OP wants to find a way to make her marriage work and bring her husband round to the situation with a new baby. I don't think your posts help in any way with that.

To be fair I don't think anyone has suggested that extreme.

There is sometimes a need for straight talking and for putting across that, at this time, in this situation, he is being self centred and childish behaving in this manner. I don't think any husband should need "bringing round" to the notion of being supportive and pleasant when he has an eight day old child.

Errata

From the OP's other thread, her husband threatened to walk out a few months ago because the neighbours were stressing him out. He didn't seem to bothered about leaving behind a heavily pregnant wife to be stressed out by the neighbours.

Fire_Fox

I don't think we should be pronouncing anyone selfish, self centred or childish without more information. It's quite possible that is the case, it's also quite possible that he has an undiagnosed/ not fully diagnosed/ poorly treated mental health issue. Potential evidence for this in the level of stress they have both been under, his insomnia and ME. The OP's partner has a moral responsibility to address this either behavioural issue or mental health issue with the support of his partner. Everyone responds to different situations in different ways, most of us have a breaking point where we can no longer control our emotions or think rationally - we end up losing our temper, in tears whatever.

tyllwyd

Having a newborn baby turns everything upside down. I remember when my first daughter was born, I didn't have postnatal depression but equally, I wasn't thinking straight. And you've got the added stress of a house move on top of that.

I think you should give yourself, and him, a break. Its a difficult time, you both need to readjust. Give him a bit of time, if he really isn't coping at night at the moment, maybe he would be better off sleeping on the sofa for a few days. Don't overreact to things that he says now, which might just be stress, worry, baby blues talking. I agree that if he isn't coping, talking to your midwife/health visitor/gp is a very good idea.

But don't be too hard on him or on yourself, and don't make any hasty decisions or say things now you might regret later - get through the next few weeks, and hopefully things will settle down and you can start to enjoy being a family.