Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

whitewing

I think the anger etc is probably due to the tiredness; try not to take anything to heart at the moment. Seriously, the tiredness can drive you both insane.

When my daughter was younger, we'd had a lot of interrupted nights, especially when she caught cold after cold after cold. We had one good night's sleep, and then my MIL was ill (lived alone). We called the doctor for her, but didn't risk going around then in case she had a bug (sickness/diarrhoea). I got absolutely told off on the phone by one if the doctors for not going round, but we were both almost ill with tiredness and were snapping badly at each other anyway. Any one of us being ill through the night would have finished us off.

Could your mum stay with you for a couple of days and your DH go home with his mum.

Personally, I don't think newborns cry that loudly anyway. My son's dad always slept through lo waking in the night (that used to annoy me). This is why I think it is anxiety/related to existing ME, which I didn't know about when I wrote my last post.

Also, I agree with the comments about them not being that interesting to some men until they start to respond a bit to the individual. The bond can take a while to develop for dad or mum, especially if there are other people about who are keen.

real1314

A womans body spends 9 months preparing her for the fact that she is going to be a mother.
A mans body doesn't.

It can take a little time, give it a couple of weeks and find things he can do to support that aren't necessarily 1-on-1 with the baby. :cool:

Fire_Fox

Buy him some WAX ear plugs, they are amazing at blocking out noise although presumably not if the baby is in the same room! Also he should see his doctor, they won't want to give him addictive sleeping tablets but they might prescribe an anti-depressant with sedative properties or something to help with stress. Are you all getting plenty daily physical activity (even something gentle like yoga) and out in the daylight every day? This can help with mental health issues.

Do you have to move house, have you exchanged? If you have not, don't whilst things are so up in the air, don't take on more debt. Financially you can manage mortgage or rent on your own, the state can help. Have you been addressing your relationship issues with counselling/ mediation, if not can you now?

Nicki

Firstly congratulations on your new arrival.

I too think the issue is the ME and the impact lack of sleep is having on that. The people I know with this condition would be floored by one late night, much less 3 or 4 disturbed nights.

I would sort yourself out first. Call in as many favours as you can and mobilise as much support for yourself as you can for the next few weeks - be this health visitor, mother and baby groups, other mums with young babies, parents coming to stay to help whatever. The less you need to rely on him the better for you both.

Second, I would get him any medical help he needs and do your best to make sure he gets as much sleep as he needs to manage his ME. I know you will both be knackered, but you should try and sleep when you can during the day when baby is asleep so you can cope better and maybe do shifts at night where he can be sure of getting 6-8 hours unbroken sleep (or unbroken by baby) to manage his health.

As for your friends, could you not send an email or text around along the lines:

"Hi all. Very glad to say that we are home. Last few days have been a mare however. Amy has had some serious health problems and Rob has had a relapse/is having a hard time with his ME. If anyone is able, we would really appreciate some support. We'd love to see you but if you were able to bring some food or help out a bit when you come, and keep your visits short, you'd be a lifesaver! Love Pinkpeach" or whatever words you'd usually use with friends

nottslass_2

When a couple has fertility issues and subsequent IVF the focus is solely on "getting pregnant" and the impact of actually having a "baby" is somewhat pushed to the back of the mind,probably because you dare not imagine that you'll ever have the baby you so deperatley have been trying for !!

The first few weeks of a new baby is hard - its not like a mothercare cataloge and maybe he had imagined that after all you've been through to have this baby that things would be perfect

The reality of a real life little person that he's responsible for has probably come as a great big shock to him and maybe the reality has probably hit him hard.
As other have said,give him time,but most of all make sure you look after yourself and enlist the support of anyone who can help.

poet123

I agree the first few weeks are hard but I think you are all being very forgiving here. Presumably he agreed to have this child, and did so with the knowledge of his illness, so he needs to accept that life will change. All new parents are tired, but his mum is around and the OP seems very accepting so I can't imagine he is being expected to do a great deal, it seems to me he is just having a tantrum because his life has altered and taking it out on the OP.

I personally don't think this is acceptable and if I were his mother seeing this I would be making that clear to him. The OP has obviously had a lot of stress and the actual birth to go through, then the issues with the baby, she deserves support and understanding not anger and resentment.

halight

fannyanna wrote: »

I know it's not him that had the baby physically but it kind of sounds like post natal depression.

I would second trying to get him to the GP or at least a counsellor.

It's a huge shock to the system and a massive change to his life so it is understandable.

Having said that though I really feel for you as you're the one that has just given birth and needs support - not the stress that he is creating.

Men can get post natal depression. Well a sort of it anyway.

For all your sakes try to get him to talk to a doctor or a health visitor.

Say for you and baby, Well If he dose not sort himself out then, You might have to take charge of it all. the baby Is the most important one at the moment. But make sure that you look after yourself too. Don't worry about debt or anything like that. You can deal with it at another time. When that time comes.

Look after yourself and baby. Get your husband too talk to someone.
But If he wont get help/sort himself out and step up to the mark then its all up to you.
I hope he seeks some help. I hope that at the moment because of his ME and the new bay being in your life's that he's just over whelmed with it all. ME can effect your mental health. As can a bay being born.

whitewing

I don't think we're being so much forgiving, as thinking that now isn't the time to escalate situations.

halight

halight wrote: »

Men can get post natal depression. Well a sort of it anyway.

For all your sakes try to get him to talk to a doctor or a health visitor.

Say for you and baby, Well If he dose not sort himself out then, You might have to take charge of it all. the baby Is the most important one at the moment. But make sure that you look after yourself too. Don't worry about debt or anything like that. You can deal with it at another time. When that time comes.

Look after yourself and baby. Get your husband too talk to someone.
But If he wont get help/sort himself out and step up to the mark then its all up to you.
I hope he seeks some help. I hope that at the moment because of his ME and the new bay being in your life's that he's just over whelmed with it all. ME can effect your mental health. As can a bay being born.

I would like to say that if non of the above makes any sense. that's because I'm male. But I am a dad to twin girls. That were born prm and spent 5 weeks in the Neo natal unit. All that was very stressful. Not so much because they were ill. It was just the Im at home, Its night time. They should be here. It jsut plays on your mind. Then they came home and all hell broke lose:D

Good luck. I hope all this has a happy ending what ever the outcome.

Look after yourself s.

Tommelise

poet123 wrote: »

I agree the first few weeks are hard but I think you are all being very forgiving here. Presumably he agreed to have this child, and did so with the knowledge of his illness, so he needs to accept that life will change. All new parents are tired, but his mum is around and the OP seems very accepting so I can't imagine he is being expected to do a great deal, it seems to me he is just having a tantrum because his life has altered and taking it out on the OP.

I personally don't think this is acceptable and if I were his mother seeing this I would be making that clear to him. The OP has obviously had a lot of stress and the actual birth to go through, then the issues with the baby, she deserves support and understanding not anger and resentment.

The above could be true - but please do get your husband checked for postnatal depression- it does happen to men and is often overlooked.

If you dont want to talk to your parents about the situation, talk to a friend or you GP.