Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

Errata

Anyone with half a brain understands that new born babies have primacy in the attention stakes. Anyone with half a heart would understand and gladly to take a back seat.
The OH may have ME, but it appears he has enough energy to be a total !!!! and throw things around.

amus

I wouldnt leave my baby anywhere near him from what you have said OP.

You say your Mum is a worrier, it seems to me her worries are well founded!!! Im sure that if your Mum knew what was going on she would want you and her grandchild safe. Are you able to go and live with your Mum for a while whilst you get your head straight and think what is best for you to do for you and your baby?

The last thing I would do is purchase a house with this man!

What does his mother have to say about the way he is acting?

Mojisola

mikey72 wrote: »

Yesterday we were the most important person, now we don't matter, and can be instantly discarded.

I certainly didn't feel that way when we had our kids.

They were important additions to the family, but my wife remained the most important person to me, as part of an important family unit, with important babies in it.

Person_one wrote: »

The baby is helpless, and completely dependent on its parents for its every need, physically, emotionally and developmentally. The parents created it, it wouldn't exist without them and now it needs their full attention in order to survive and grow up to be a happy and well adjusted adult.

The parents are supposed to already be well adjusted adults, they don't need the same level of input.

But they - and older children - shouldn't be excluded either.

A new baby needs a lot of care but he/she also needs to fit into an existing family unit. Our babies were welcomed into our family but no-one else was pushed out to make room for them.

In an extreme situation where the baby may be at risk from another family member, of course baby needs protecting. If PinkPeach thinks this might be the case here, she needs to take action but make it a temporary arrangement and see if he can get his head and/or his health sorted out before dumping him.

There must have been a lot of discussion between the couple about babies before embarking on IVF so his reaction to the baby's arrival is very difficult to understand.

Welshwoofs

mikey72 wrote: »

I think that is a fundamental difference between men and some women.
We hear the baby is the most important person in the world.

So what changed literally overnight?

How do you manage to completely switch off feelings for someone you have loved for years, and decided to bring another life into the world with?
Yesterday we were the most important person, now we don't matter, and can be instantly discarded.

Well I'm female and I don't understand the feelings above either. I'm generally told that it's "because you've never had kids" but actually I don't think it's that at all because I've extensively questioned relatives and friends about whether, once they'd had children, their spouse was shunted into 2nd place on the emotional scale as it's a subject that fascinates me.

The obvious point is that children have more needs to be met (that goes without saying), but on from that how people perceive the family 'hierarchy' is interesting. My best friend said unequivocably that her children are more important to her than her husband and she loves them more. Another friend said that the love she had for her children was different to that for her partner, but she loved them equally and considered everyone in the household of equal importance.

I'd like to hope that if I'd ever had children then they would take equal place in importance to my partner, rather than supplant him.

jayII

Person_one wrote: »

I find it concerning that you don't see how extreme and abnormal the husband's behaviour is.

If he'd acted like a normal, supportive parent and partner who still loved his wife and also loved his new daughter, there wouldn't be an issue, she'd still want to be with him.

Even if he was just disinterested in the baby but willing to help with basic things like watching her while his wife has 30 minutes to herself, out of love for his wife, that would probably be manageable.

But he is behaving in such a way that the wife feels it is unsafe to leaving the baby in his care at all, plus he is bad mouthing the baby to the baby's mother, the woman he is supposed to love. That is seriously worrying.

LannieDuck

mikey72 wrote: »

I think that is a fundamental difference between men and some women.
We hear the baby is the most important person in the world.

So what changed literally overnight?

This is actually one of those things that annoys me a bit. It doesn't literally change overnight for all women; not all women have that moment of intense love when they look at their baby for the first time. I didn't, and from speaking to my friends with babies, I know that about 1/2 of them didn't either (although it's a bit of a taboo subject and not one that many women talk about).

My baby was cute and objectively gorgeous, but I didn't feel intense love for her when I first picked her up. The love for my baby grew over the first few weeks, just as my husband's love for the baby grew at the same time. Actually, it came faster for my husband because I was sleep deprived and walking around in a bit of a haze for the first month.

...but that didn't mean that she wasn't the most important person I had to look after in those early weeks. And it was just the same for my husband. Yes, he was looking after me and cooking the meals because I was recovering from labour... but if the baby needed something, she was more important because she literally couldn't do it for herself.

I really don't think men and women are all that different.

Molly41

My husband was quite ambivalent about our youngest son. He had no real interest and certainly no bond in the beginning. I was quite worried tbh but never thought he would harm our youngest son. The turning point came when I became very ill and was in bed. No baby care for me and older kids went to my parents. That left him and baby boy:eek: He changed over the course of the weekend by caring for him, changing his nappy, feeds, cuddles. It made my heart sing to hear him chatting away to baby and their relationship strenghtened. Now no issues. So things can and do change but like I said I had no fears that my husband would harm my baby so I agree that great care needs to be taken x

aliasojo

OP, I don't know if you've read some of the really sad posts from people who grew up feeling that their parent didn't love them/want them/ was able to treat them well etc etc.

Bad, uncaring or simply selfish narcissistic parents are the minority but they are not rare.

Whatever health issues this man has, these are not the cause for the nasty behaviour he has displayed. This isn't simple irritability or the lack of bonding, this is a lack of basic caring. To say he would have nothing to do with 'it' if left alone with a baby who showed it needed care, suggests something much more serious.

Op forgive me but you seem too (imo) concerned with this house move and your desire for it to go ahead. That is the last thing you should be doing, as other people have already pointed out.

I think you need to 'woman up' and have a frank and serious discussion with your (adult!) husband and if he remains of the same mindset, then I think you need to consider a different future to the one you had planned/hoped for.

A child who experiences feeling unwanted or unloved will be held back in life by all sorts of emotional baggage.

mikey72

jayII wrote: »

I'm a woman but I know my husband feels similarly to you about our children and myself.

BUT, he is also aware that babies and young children are very vulnerable and need to be cared for, protected and nurtured, both physically and emotionally if they are to grow up into healthy and balanced adults.

I think that the situation the OP finds herself in is simply unbearable, she feels that her child is potentially unsafe around ehr partner and that her partner is going out of his way to hurt them both. She has also said she thinks this is his personality, not the illness, so is unlikely to change.

Whatever her partner's issues, most parent's instincts tell them strongly to protect their vulnerable newborn baby and to ensure that they are able to care for that baby safely. However much she loves him, at this point the baby is extremely vulnerable on every level and her needs have to come first if she is to survive. Her partner is refusing to even help with the baby's most basic physical needs!

If it's his personality, it was like that before.
I agree if she thinks he will hurt the baby, (why commit in the first place though) don't leave him with her, but the question is hurt the baby on purpose, in which case don't leave him in the same house, or hurt the baby by inattention, in which case she's fine with him, as long as she does all the work. Not ideal, not worth leaving over though.
There are probably a few people I would walk past in the street if someone else was looking after them, but would I assault them in the first place?

pearl123

OP - maybe you OH want to be the big baby! And now he's not getting the attention!