Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

aliasojo

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Not needing the same amount of input counted in hours per day does not make your needs less important.

I do see your point but my feeling is that a person cannot have the same level of importance constantly throughout life.

There will be times in life (such as this) when the level of importance is superceded for a short while. It doesn't mean his or her needs are not important, far from it, just that someone else's are more important at that time.

Life is a constant shifting of priorities in order to balance fairness for everyone overall. Sometimes this is subtle, sometimes not so.

jayII

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Adults do have powerful needs for emotional and physical contact, many relationships require attention and effort if they are not to die. A mother might be getting emotional stimulation from the connection to her new baby, but what about the father? If he is not getting that from the baby nor his partner should he be going elsewhere? Of course not. The attention and input you get in life from friends and colleagues is completely different to that which you get from your nuclear family. Not needing the same amount of input counted in hours per day does not make your needs less important.

A woman who gave birth to her first baby a few days ago may still be suffering pain or discomfort from the birth and will almost certainly be physically and emotional exhausted.

Remember that she is doing everything for the new baby, is struggling with broken nights, is having a lot of stress put on her by said husband and probably feeling fairly emotional herself. She may also be doing the majority of the essential household tasks, cooking etc.

Yet, on top of all that, she is supposed to prioritise being affectionate and attentive to the husband who is giving her such a hard time and generally being pretty foul towards her?

whitewing

How are things with you today, PP?

Have you been able to speak to your family? What did they say?

daska

PinkPeach wrote: »

He was there for us every day whilst we were in hospital and never failed to spend as much time with us as possible. He's on paternity leave until Monday.

I think there seem to be different degrees of ME as he does hold down a job but often does come home exhausted depending on how he manages himself and how much physical activity the day has involved.

It's very easy for people to ask why we had IVF if he has a selfish tendency, but it's not easy to choose who you fall in love with. He can be selfish but there are many other qualities in him that are nice and perhaps sadly for me in this instance, these are the ones I prefer to acknowledge. When going through the treatment we'd not had any problems for a few years so I didn't make a blind decision about having a child with him. It was both something that we wholeheartedly wanted. He attended every scan, midwife appointment and antenatal class. I just wonder if the reality of having a baby after what we've been through has been a shock (?) and his reaction to this hasn't been helped because of his ME. He has many of the symptoms people have mentioned.

My relationship with his mum is really good. She said to him this evening that he won't always feel this way and that newborns are a shock. He replied that he wasn't sure if he ever will feel better. Bit concerned about that but he is now talking a bit more.

I personally feel rubbish. My baby is so pretty and a wonderful bundle of joy to me that I feel very sad that he's not also as proud of her as I am. My family have been brilliant when I told them today, although understandably they are very cross with him as they feel he ought to be supporting me. I can only try to get on with things as best I can, I have no choice. My daughter comes first and means the world to me.

It's been really helpful to hear from others who have also had similar problems, it makes me feel less alone.

I really wish things get better and hope that day by day they will. A few people mentioned that it could take a few weeks. I wish this wan't happening as it makes me feel awful but there isn't much I can do. Due to his terrible time trying to get a diagnosis for his health issues and only recently being told it is ME, he now has no trust in doctors. I therefore don't think I'd be able get him to see a GP unless this goes on and he acknowledges he needs help himself.

it could be weeks, months, years or decades...

Phew, didn't catch up with this for a couple of days! With the extra posts you've made I have to say it does really still sound to me as if the ME is the 'cause'. I know a lot of people will disagree and I get their point, ME in itself doesn't usually cause such extreme behaviour BUT my experience is that ME distorts and exacerbates other things and with the stress he was already under from the problems with the neighbours the physical stress of a new baby was probably the tipping point. It may well be that there's another underlying condition but for now it's undiagnosed - and possibly this is when he needs to be properly assessed to see what else is going on. It really is vitally important that he gets help and you may need to force that by getting the midwife/ health visitor etc on board. Don't shy away from telling them the full details, you really can't afford the luxury of embarassment.

And re the house move, you MUST explain things to your parents because otherwise, unless it's a formal loan, they may lose their money if you end up getting divorced. It's not a nice prospect, but if he doesn't get the help he needs then taking a realistic outsider view it seems inevitable.

So please don't go ahead with the house purchase - sell yes, buy no! Move back to your parents for a bit and do the single mum thing while he takes the time and space to recover at his parents, then demand that he gets help before you take him back.

You have to bear in mind that with ME it's not just a question of physical tiredness though that is the obvious manifestation, it really can affect every aspect of your life from your legs to your brain to your emotions. And it's not just physical exertion that wears you out, it's everything you do, strong emotions can be tiring, so can thinking - DS2's dad looked at me one day and said "why are you out of breath, you're only reading" he really didn't get that just reading could have such a physical effect.

Fire_Fox

jayII wrote: »

A woman who gave birth to her first baby a few days ago may still be suffering pain or discomfort from the birth and will almost certainly be physically and emotional exhausted.

Remember that she is doing everything for the new baby, is struggling with broken nights, is having a lot of stress put on her by said husband and probably feeling fairly emotional herself. She may also be doing the majority of the essential household tasks, cooking etc.

Yet, on top of all that, she is supposed to prioritise being affectionate and attentive to the husband who is giving her such a hard time and generally being pretty foul towards her?

As I've said on an earlier post it's not a competition nor is it a one way street. Where there is a healthy father I would absolutely not expect a new mother to be doing all the nights AND all the household chores, unless she felt she could cope and wanted to. If the mother is still suffering physically from the birth then she is the one with a health problem and a healthy husband should be caring for her around his work commitments.

If you read the context, the thread of the conversation included general comments NOT simply about this specific situation nor a baby of only a few days old, older siblings were also mentioned for example. On this specific situation I have clearly stated the OP's partner has a responsibility to get medical help for his current health problems, that the family should seek outside support from relatives, friends, health visitors and whatnot. One person's needs do not diminish anothers.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Fire_Fox wrote: »

One person's needs do not diminish anothers.

A newborn baby isn't a fully grown person. It's different. They need the physical care as well as the stimulation and bonding process - their focal distance is just far enough to be able to focus on their mother's face when breastfeeding. That's how they've evolved. Just because babies can be physically handed to other people, it doesn't mean that they should be, to prop up the ego of an adult who is quite big enough to put something small, defenceless and needing of care first.

To use a slightly different analogy, just because a kitten can be kept in a cage and have food chucked at it from about 6 weeks and it won't die, doesn't mean that it isn't safer, happier and generally better adjusted if left in a secure place where the mother cat can care for them for another six weeks and where the mother is looked after so she doesn't have to worry about anything else, such as finding food.

Errata

daska wrote: »

I have to say it does really still sound to me as if the ME is the 'cause'. ,

Having ME and being a gold plated four star shoyte are not mutually exclusive.

daska

Errata wrote: »

Having ME and being a gold plated four star shoyte are not mutually exclusive.

I don't think I came even close to suggesting they were....? Where's a confused smiley when you need one?

Do you want to read the rest of what I wrote and check?

Fire_Fox

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

A newborn baby isn't a fully grown person. It's different. They need the physical care as well as the stimulation and bonding process - their focal distance is just far enough to be able to focus on their mother's face when breastfeeding. That's how they've evolved. Just because babies can be physically handed to other people, it doesn't mean that they should be, to prop up the ego of an adult who is quite big enough to put something small, defenceless and needing of care first.

Firstly we aren't only talking about a newborn, secondly meeting the relationship needs doesn't take massive amounts of time away from the baby. Mothers go back to work, parents get a sitter, relatives (including the father) help with nappies and feeds, babies sleep. Many modern mothers don't breastfeed anyway and most use contraception, let's not pick and choose which parts of evolution we lay claim to.

To see nurturing your relationship, meeting your 'other half'/ partner's emotional needs as propping up their ego is truly sad. Funny how people only seem to think this about a father's needs and not about a father being loving/ supportive/attentive/ considerate to a mother, that is expected of a modern man, cue hand wringing and loud tutting if he is not just as in this very thread. I stand by "healthy well adjusted children have been raised for centuries without the mother being totally obsessed with the baby".

emsywoo123

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Firstly we aren't only talking about a newborn, secondly meeting the relationship needs doesn't take massive amounts of time away from the baby. Mothers go back to work, parents get a sitter, relatives (including the father) help with nappies and feeds, babies sleep. Many modern mothers don't breastfeed anyway and most use contraception, let's not pick and choose which parts of evolution we lay claim to.

To see nurturing your relationship, meeting your 'other half'/ partner's emotional needs as propping up their ego is truly sad. Funny how people only seem to think this about a father's needs and not about a father being loving/ supportive/attentive/ considerate to a mother, that is expected of a modern man, cue hand wringing and loud tutting if he is not just as in this very thread. I stand by "healthy well adjusted children have been raised for centuries without the mother being totally obsessed with the baby".

You really do have something to say on every single thread on this board don't you :rotfl: