Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

whitewing

Perhaps OP is so focused on the house move because she thinks that if they are in a different environment away from the neighbours, he OH will be less stressed.

I still think all the organisation will be too much at the current time. If you do go ahead OP, do make sure you get a lot of support from your health visitor (to unload on - she is there for you and OH, not just the baby), and practical assistance from your parents or paid help even.

OP, also people here, including me, are concerned for you and your baby's physical safety. Domestic abuse often does start during pregnancy or with babies (if I recall correctly from the leaflets inside the pregnancy test kit). So do be careful and make sure you have a get out clause yourself for an emergency situation.

jayII

mikey72 wrote: »

If it's his personality, it was like that before.
I agree if she thinks he will hurt the baby, (why commit in the first place though) don't leave him with her, but the question is hurt the baby on purpose, in which case don't leave him in the same house, or hurt the baby by inattention, in which case she's fine with him, as long as she does all the work. Not ideal, not worth leaving over though.
There are probably a few people I would walk past in the street if someone else was looking after them, but would I assault them in the first place?

The OP, this man's wife, has said she thinks the cruelty is part of who he is, rather than the illness.

It is your opinion that he would have been like this before. In my opinion you are showing a poor understanding of human nature if you think people aren't able to hide aspects of their personality if it suits them to do so. I'm sure the OP knows her husband better than anyone on here so I'm not going to argue with her assessment of him.

By openly saying he wants to give the baby away, he IS assaulting both the OP and her child.

When talking about a newborn baby, there is a very fine line between 'not caring for them' and 'assaulting them'.

Errata

It's all very sad. Frankly, if my OH had called our newborn baby IT both to my face and on FB I'd be recommending he went out for a very long walk to have a word with himself and sort his head out. And I'd expect a very fulsome apology on his return.

mikey72

jayII wrote: »

The OP, this man's wife, has said she thinks the cruelty is part of who he is, rather than the illness.

It is your opinion that he would have been like this before. In my opinion you are showing a poor understanding of human nature if you think people aren't able to hide aspects of their personality if it suits them to do so. I'm sure the OP knows her husband better than anyone on here so I'm not going to argue with her assessment of him.

By openly saying he wants to give the baby away, he IS assaulting both the OP and her child.

When talking about a newborn baby, there is a very fine line between 'not caring for them' and 'assaulting them'.

Assault - as in report him to the police assault?

aliasojo

whitewing wrote: »

Perhaps OP is so focused on the house move because she thinks that if they are in a different environment away from the neighbours, he OH will be less stressed.

Ah. I've just read the OP's other posts about her neighbour problems.

Having been subject to a breakdown because of stress, I can completely understand the husband's 'flee' desire and the OP's desire to push for the move now.

However, I still struggle to explain his behaviour with regards to the baby. I do understand how stress can affect your behaviour and thought processes but I'm not sure this can be attributed to that too. Perhaps the stress has allowed deeper rooted issues to show through now. It did with me.

IF that's the case then removing the stress wont solve the deeper rooted stuff.

whitewing

Didn't the OP say that the mum had abandoned the husband + family during his teenage years? That implies problems building up to that point, and maybe unresolved issues. This is why I think the husband is suffering some form of mental health problem/complication of ME that requires, at the very least, GP intervention. It is also why I keep suggesting support from the health visitor as she will be used to seeing extremes of normal parenting behaviour, and can assist where things are so outside the scope of normal that it is causing the family difficulties.

Errata

aliasojo wrote: »

Ah. I've just read the OP's other posts about her neighbour problems.

Having been subject to a breakdown because of stress, I can completely understand the husband's 'flee' desire and the OP's desire to push for the move now.

However, I still struggle to explain his behaviour with regards to the baby. I do understand how stress can affect your behaviour and thought processes but I'm not sure this can be attributed to that too. Perhaps the stress has allowed deeper rooted issues to show through now. It did with me.

IF that's the case then removing the stress wont solve the deeper rooted stuff.

I completely don't understand why a husband feeling stressed out by the neighbours would want to leg it and leave their heavily pregnant wife behind, also to be stressed by the neighbours behaviour. It's all a bit me, me, me.

aliasojo

Errata wrote: »

I completely don't understand why a husband feeling stressed out by the neighbours would want to leg it and leave their heavily pregnant wife behind, also to be stressed by the neighbours behaviour. It's all a bit me, me, me.

And that's what stress build up can do to you.

I don't want to derail the thread going on about me, but I got to the stage where I couldn't function because of stress. All I could think of was how bad things were for me.

You'll just have to trust me when I say that was totally out of character, I spend my life looking out for others normally.

I used to think 'stress' was a suitable buzzword people used when they got fed up. I'm a logical sort,I used to think 'well why not *just* do x, y or z to sort things out'. I couldn't understand why stress made people act differently or be unable to function in a reasonable way.

Until I experienced it.

So yes, I can easily understand the husband's feelings in this situation.

Only the OP will know which stress this is though. 'Buzzword' stress or genuine non-coping stress. Iyswim.

Bluebell1000

I was really struggling with anaemia after our little boy arrived, and my husband had to do everything - basically I was just stuck on the sofa doing feeds. Hubby was really tired, unsurprisingly, and started to get more and more angry with our baby when looking after him. I think it was about day 5 or 6 when he was screaming obscenities at him while changing a nappy that I just sat there sobbing, because I felt so helpless to do anything. I was, quite honestly, scared that he'd hurt our baby.

When he saw how upset I was he realised what he was doing, and said that he'd been shouting to release frustrations and would never hurt him. But it was completely out of character for him, and just exhaustion. He is now being a stay at home dad one day a week and all gonig well, no problems with bonding and our little boy loves his dad very much. I hope that you get things sorted out OP, and I hope that me sharing my experience might help in some way. x

Fire_Fox

Person_one wrote: »

I'd have thought it was pretty obvious.

The baby is helpless, and completely dependent on its parents for its every need, physically, emotionally and developmentally. The parents created it, it wouldn't exist without them and now it needs their full attention in order to survive and grow up to be a happy and well adjusted adult.

The parents are supposed to already be well adjusted adults, they don't need the same level of input.

The baby needs only limited emotional and developmental input in the early days. Clearly it needs a good deal of physical care, these needs may be more urgent or time consuming than the needs of other members of the household but they are not always more important. A baby doesn't need or get full attention from both parents - many work, watch TV or do household tasks. Those needs can be met at least some of the time from older siblings, the wider family, babysitters, childminders, nursery staff, friends, neighbours, .... healthy well adjusted children have been raised for centuries without the mother being totally obsessed with the baby.

Adults do have powerful needs for emotional and physical contact, many relationships require attention and effort if they are not to die. A mother might be getting emotional stimulation from the connection to her new baby, but what about the father? If he is not getting that from the baby nor his partner should he be going elsewhere? Of course not. The attention and input you get in life from friends and colleagues is completely different to that which you get from your nuclear family. Not needing the same amount of input counted in hours per day does not make your needs less important.