Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

CelticStar

Well, I'm an ME sufferer and have been since I was 16 - I am now 39. I was severely affected for five years and I still have symptoms all the time - sometimes they are worse than others - although I am much better than I was in the early stages. I have also been through IVF (unsuccessfully) twice - I am a woman so it was me that went through all the physical stresses of IVF, something which was extremely difficult on top of having ME already. Anyway, because of all this I feel that I am reasonably qualified to comment on this thread.

I, personally, do not think that the OP's husband's illness is any excuse for the way he is behaving. He is being cruel and completely unsupportive in any way. I have never had any emotional lability or problems with emotional instability - even when in severe pain, having very little sleep and going through IVF - and I think that blaming bad behaviour and selfishness on ME is a cop out. Even when you're having a bad day and can barely function physically you can still support someone by being kind to them, listening to them, stroking their hair etc etc. I know that even if I was at my worst there was no way on earth I wouldn't love any baby I had and I certainly wouldn't be so horrible to my partner.

The OP has already hinted that her OH is quite demanding anyway and you often find that pregnancy and having a child brings out the worst in the type of man that wants to be the complete centre of his wife's attention. I don't doubt that the OP's husband is ill but his behaviour could just as easily be because he is a selfish a**e.

OP, enjoy your much-longed for baby and congratulations on successfully having a child after going through the gruelling process of IVF, it is a huge achievement just to get through fertility treatment. Be kind to yourself too and don't put up with any crap off your husband. Having ME is not an excuse for the way he has behaved.

FBaby

Pinkpeach all you can do is be patient. A new baby can bring incredible emotions in both Fathers AND mothers but thankfully these are rarely lasting. I had two babies who suffered from very bad colic. They cried -very loudly- all the time needed feeding every two hours. My partner rarely help because he couldn't make them stop crying and needed sleep even more than I as he worked fulltime two hours away. I was so exhausted and frustrated I bad time went to bed sobbing wishing they had never been born. I did love them and new in wouldn't hurt them but I really didn't like them at time. It was a very difficult challenging time but it got better and I then got the chance to truly enjoy being a mum. Your husband did want to be a dad and undoubtly loves your baby. He is just going through a phase of feeling overwhelmed at the impact on bis life. Don't loose hope. Concentrate on your baby and enjoy being a mum without focussingon too much on his feelings. Good luck

marmitepotato

OP, I read your opening post and feel really sorry for you. When I had my first child my ex husband was exactly the same. He had no interest in his son, apart from when he was born. He used to shout at me to 'stop 'it' crying'. He never ever once helped me. His mum gave him some words of wisdom but they fell on deaf ears...... I know your circumstances are very different and I really really really hope it all goes well for you. As for me, well we divorced years later, the best thing I ever did.

consultant31

This is a very sad thing to happen but, though I don't want to trivialise anything, wait till she smiles at him for the first time - he'll probably go weak at the knees and you'll be left wondering what happened

In the meantime OP, go on enjoying your baby, tell him all the details when he gets home from work each day and I'm sure it'll resolve itself as baby grows into a little 'person'.

I wish you all the very best and congratulations on a healthy baby

Mojisola

CelticStar wrote: »

I, personally, do not think that the OP's husband's illness is any excuse for the way he is behaving. He is being cruel and completely unsupportive in any way. I have never had any emotional lability or problems with emotional instability - even when in severe pain, having very little sleep and going through IVF - and I think that blaming bad behaviour and selfishness on ME is a cop out.

Just because you didn't have problems doesn't mean other people don't.

I don't doubt that the OP's husband is ill but his behaviour could just as easily be because he is a selfish a**e.

This is true and, as PinkPeach is the only one who knows her OH, only she will know whether he has been like this since she knew him or whether his behaviour has changed since he got ill.

lilibet1

Hope youre feeling a bit brighter today ww?

I first discovered the term M.E. CFS, OPP, in 1994 when I was getting married to my first husband. I have never heard of it before and spent the next 10 years looking after someone with this condition. I know so much about the illness and do believe it exists. However, I also believe that some people use it as an excuse as lets be honest, any of us could say we have it, there is no evidence to prove or disprove it.

The person that had it in my life it turns out was a massive liar and was very very ill but not with M.E. it was all in his head. I was totally sucked in to the situation as I wanted to help and this was in the early days when if you needed to see a consultant about this, then it cost a lot of money and trips to London. This particular person actually convinced his children had it and one of them is now wheelchair bound, due to never ever being able to leave her bed or go outdoors or go to school and now she has major health problems. This case should have been referred to social services as it was cruelty.

So you see M.E. will always have its doubters as there are cases of people having it who are totally mentally ill. However, as I said before I believe it is a real illness but im not sure what.

I hope that the OP is ok today and updates us.

Mojisola

lilibet1 wrote: »

The person that had it in my life it turns out was a massive liar and was very very ill but not with M.E. it was all in his head.

But that's no different to someone claiming that they have serious back problems or debilitating migraines or need a week off work every month because of period problems. Would you doubt anyone who really had these health problems because there are just a few people who play the system?

lilibet1

mojosola, i totally agree. I was just trying to explain what happened to me and why I feel so much for the OP whether or not her dh has m.e. or not, he shouldnt be treating her this way.
x

CelticStar

Mojisola wrote: »

Just because you didn't have problems doesn't mean other people don't.

The flip side to that is that just because other people do doesn't mean the OP's husband is as well. There are a lot of assertions on here that ME causes emotional problems - my post was to show that it doesn't always do this.

Fire_Fox

CelticStar wrote: »

The flip side to that is that just because other people do doesn't mean the OP's husband is as well. There are a lot of assertions on here that ME causes emotional problems - my post was to show that it doesn't always do this.

What you are doing is clarifying not disputing. In at least some cases you are misinterpreting the wording, adding the word 'always' yourself. I don't think anyone who is familiar with ME (or indeed any serious illness) believes all people get all the symptoms all of the time, we know the presentation varies from person to person. Saying x disease causes or leads to y is not incorrect if that is a known complication or symptom. What if I said "ME causes emotional problems .... in the majority of sufferers"? That is no different to you mentally adding the word always to make "ME always causes emotional problems".