Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

PinkPeach

Errata wrote: »

In my opinion the husband's behaviour toward his new born child, a child so ill it had to spend the first five days of its life in hospital whilst he was toddling off to work every day, is despicable. Those who say they have, or had ME, and defend his behaviour are simply defending the undefensible.

He was there for us every day whilst we were in hospital and never failed to spend as much time with us as possible. He's on paternity leave until Monday.

I think there seem to be different degrees of ME as he does hold down a job but often does come home exhausted depending on how he manages himself and how much physical activity the day has involved.

It's very easy for people to ask why we had IVF if he has a selfish tendency, but it's not easy to choose who you fall in love with. He can be selfish but there are many other qualities in him that are nice and perhaps sadly for me in this instance, these are the ones I prefer to acknowledge. When going through the treatment we'd not had any problems for a few years so I didn't make a blind decision about having a child with him. It was both something that we wholeheartedly wanted. He attended every scan, midwife appointment and antenatal class. I just wonder if the reality of having a baby after what we've been through has been a shock (?) and his reaction to this hasn't been helped because of his ME. He has many of the symptoms people have mentioned.

My relationship with his mum is really good. She said to him this evening that he won't always feel this way and that newborns are a shock. He replied that he wasn't sure if he ever will feel better. Bit concerned about that but he is now talking a bit more.

I personally feel rubbish. My baby is so pretty and a wonderful bundle of joy to me that I feel very sad that he's not also as proud of her as I am. My family have been brilliant when I told them today, although understandably they are very cross with him as they feel he ought to be supporting me. I can only try to get on with things as best I can, I have no choice. My daughter comes first and means the world to me.

It's been really helpful to hear from others who have also had similar problems, it makes me feel less alone.

I really wish things get better and hope that day by day they will. A few people mentioned that it could take a few weeks. I wish this wan't happening as it makes me feel awful but there isn't much I can do. Due to his terrible time trying to get a diagnosis for his health issues and only recently being told it is ME, he now has no trust in doctors. I therefore don't think I'd be able get him to see a GP unless this goes on and he acknowledges he needs help himself.

GracieP

Welshwoofs wrote: »

But yet again...and I'm obviously going to have to repeat myself alot here...I'm not talking about the reality of flu, I'm talking about the people who say "Oh it's just like flu" when they actually mean "It's feeling a bit tired and shaky...just like that time I had a bad cold and told the office I had flu."

Have you a clue what you are talking about at all? The person who compared it to a bad flu was defending the man with ME and trying to demonstrate just how bad he might be feeling and why his condition needed proper consideration. Just like I have any time I have posted about it - and my husband had kidney and liver failure at 32 which I think we can all agree is just a tad more serious than either flu and/or CFS. Yet despite having had to deal with having a husband in ICU where I was told to prepare myself for his death as his his liver had stopped responding to treatment, followed by years of him recovering including dialysis and 6 months of the most vicious insomnia imaginable due to his medication and a mental breakdown on his part when he couldn't deal with his condition and the lifestyle changes required, I have not once belittled anyone suffering from what I fully understand is a horrible illness.

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Gracie...at this point you're just white noise to me. I wish I could care what you say....but....

Ah well, now I'm really worried for you. If words typed on a screen are coming across to you as any sort of noise you really need to see a doctor tout suite.

Welshwoofs

sassyblue wrote: »

It's a derogatory term when used about people. Come on ww, you're better than this.

It may be deemed by some to be a derogatory term but it isn't by me. I've always used it and I'll continue to use it because it's a biological fact. What I don't use is the term 'breeder' because that obviously is derogatory...even though I have pretty strong views about profligate breeding.

Person_one wrote: »

The OP's husband doesn't appear to be poleaxed in hospital or dead.

Mikey asked a hypothetical question - what if the Op's husband had swine flu. You haven't answered his hypothetical question.

Still debating then? I thought you didn't want to be bored by it?

Ok, I dissemble; I'm bored by some posters...usually I just cover it up a little better but at the moment I can't be bothered. And no, you're not one of them, but I admit I don't have a lot of patience for the deep semantic argument at present. I'm in more of an 'idle...toss out a few lines whilst watching Parade's End in the background' sort of mood.

whitewing

With a young baby you may find you are in and out of the surgery a lot. If you get a good doctor dealing with the baby, it may give your DH more faith and a better rapport. You could always book a double appointment if you were going about the baby anyway and discuss it with the doctor. Your health visitor can also discuss the situation with you all and the doctor, with your permission. Then at the point your DH does feel able to go for himself the scene is set.

Fire_Fox

sassyblue wrote: »

It's a derogatory term when used about people. Come on ww, you're better than this.

That is not its sole or primary meaning at all! Breeder is invariably a derogatory term when applied to humans, breed is not it is a more technical and unemotional description that the flowery 'having a baby'/ 'had children'. Breed can easily be used in a jocular fashion.

sassyblue

PinkPeach wrote: »

It's very easy for people to ask why we had IVF if he has a selfish tendency, but it's not easy to choose who you fall in love with. He can be selfish but there are many other qualities in him that are nice and perhaps sadly for me in this instance, these are the ones I prefer to acknowledge. When going through the treatment we'd not had any problems for a few years so I didn't make a blind decision about having a child with him. It was both something that we wholeheartedly wanted. He attended every scan, midwife appointment and antenatal class. I just wonder if the reality of having a baby after what we've been through has been a shock (?) and his reaction to this hasn't been helped because of his ME. He has many of the symptoms people have mentioned.

Not sure you should be explaining your choices to anyone.

Glad he's talking more OP, is there anyone who could persuade him to see a GP? You could always ring the surgery and explain, the severity of the situation deserves a home visit surely? (depends how good your surgery is though)

sassyblue

Fire_Fox wrote: »

That is not its sole or primary meaning at all! Breeder is invariably a derogatory term when applied to humans, breed is not it is a more technical and unemotional description that the flowery 'having a baby'/ 'had children'. Breed can easily be used in a jocular fashion.

Who are you, It's echo? :rotfl:

Mojisola

Just because he was only given a diagnosis of ME recently doesn't mean that he has only just gone down with it so his previous behaviour might well have been part of the illness. Most people have it for ages before an official diagnosis is given.

Welshwoofs

GracieP wrote: »

Have you a clue what you are talking about at all?

No Gracie..I'm obviously a congenital moron. You could always 'grace' me (boom, boom!) with your infinite wisdom.

The person who compared it to a bad flu was defending the man with ME and trying to demonstrate just how bad he might be feeling and why his condition needed proper consideration.

I wasn't talking about another post on this thread...I was talking about the people in 'the real world' who tend to say to ME sufferers "oh it's a bit like flu isn't it", in the same way that one might say "Oh that Bubonic Plague? It's a bit like Glandular Fever isn't it"

I have not once belittled anyone suffering from what I fully understand is a horrible illness.

Good for you....but what relevance does your history or your undoubted empathy towards others' illnesses have to do with my comments about ME or, indeed, the flu?

Ah well, now I'm really worried for you. If words typed on a screen are coming across to you as any sort of noise you really need to see a doctor tout suite.

It's "tout de suite"

Look...I'm sure you're a lovely lady, but I'm struggling to see what relevance half of your posting has to do with what I actually wrote and that's what I mean by 'noise'.

Mojisola wrote: »

Just because he was only given a diagnosis of ME recently doesn't mean that he has only just gone down with it so his previous behaviour might well have been part of the illness. Most people have it for ages before an official diagnosis is given.

That is also true. On average it takes 5 years to be diagnosed. Of course, it could also be that he's an a-rsehat on top of having M.E.

mikey72

PinkPeach wrote: »

He was there for us every day whilst we were in hospital and never failed to spend as much time with us as possible. He's on paternity leave until Monday.

I think there seem to be different degrees of ME as he does hold down a job but often does come home exhausted depending on how he manages himself and how much physical activity the day has involved.

It's very easy for people to ask why we had IVF if he has a selfish tendency, but it's not easy to choose who you fall in love with. He can be selfish but there are many other qualities in him that are nice and perhaps sadly for me in this instance, these are the ones I prefer to acknowledge. When going through the treatment we'd not had any problems for a few years so I didn't make a blind decision about having a child with him. It was both something that we wholeheartedly wanted. He attended every scan, midwife appointment and antenatal class. I just wonder if the reality of having a baby after what we've been through has been a shock (?) and his reaction to this hasn't been helped because of his ME. He has many of the symptoms people have mentioned.

My relationship with his mum is really good. She said to him this evening that he won't always feel this way and that newborns are a shock. He replied that he wasn't sure if he ever will feel better. Bit concerned about that but he is now talking a bit more.

I personally feel rubbish. My baby is so pretty and a wonderful bundle of joy to me that I feel very sad that he's not also as proud of her as I am. My family have been brilliant when I told them today, although understandably they are very cross with him as they feel he ought to be supporting me. I can only try to get on with things as best I can, I have no choice. My daughter comes first and means the world to me.

It's been really helpful to hear from others who have also had similar problems, it makes me feel less alone.

I really wish things get better and hope that day by day they will. A few people mentioned that it could take a few weeks. I wish this wan't happening as it makes me feel awful but there isn't much I can do. Due to his terrible time trying to get a diagnosis for his health issues and only recently being told it is ME, he now has no trust in doctors. I therefore don't think I'd be able get him to see a GP unless this goes on and he acknowledges he needs help himself.

Things will get better.
You are supporting him well,and sleep will make a lot of difference to him. He'll realise what he's missing eventually, and he'll feel sad as well later.
He needs to find a decent doctor that understands ME, as he will have had it for quite a while.
All the best, and stick with it.
It can be very hard, and he'll be very frustrating.