Husband has account on pay for sex site

catwithoutcream

Well, he is still refusing to speak to me, and has now dragged my parents into it, saying that I went "mad" over something he was only looking at, and he wants me to apologise.

I had hoped that it was as simple as Tropez had suggested, and he had just looked.

I've done a lot of research now, and there is NO reason to register to look at photos. The woman he was interested - well I've seen her profile, and the few photos which are publically visible.

The ONLY reason he would have needed to register would be to get a mobile number, to view her private photos, or to have webcam sex. There is NO innocent reason - none whatsoever, you do not need to register just to browse, or it you are curious. So, therefore, and with him refusing to show me his profile, I HAVE to assume he has had paid for sex with lots of them. Yes, huge leap to make. But he still shows no remorse, still is angry with me for not being OK with it, and still doesn't get why I am so distraught.

How can you claim to love someone, see them in mental distress over something you admitted to, then give them the cold shoulder?

It's not a case of his mum finding his FHM stash under the bed, he actively sought a prostitute - LIED TO ME - about why, and has left me feeling sick and head spinning for the last two days.

This time of the year it is even worse, as next month will be the first anniversary of our second child's death.

I have lost 4 stone, bought loads of sexy undies, tried to seduce him many, many times. Yet he has turned me down for sex for nearly two years. Now I find out that he's fully prepared to spend our money on a !!!!! though.

catwithoutcream

esmf73 wrote: »

This is if you don't feel you can repair the breakdown of trust in your relationship. If you can, and you feel he will be honest, then work at it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

No, I don't think it can be repaired. He still doesn't think he has done anything wrong, and has in fact accused me of abuse, for getting upset at something he looked at!

He can't see that telling me he was interested in a teenage girl, and had to pay to look her up (or contact her) is extremely hurtful. Even if that was the worse he did. He just doesn't care that I am hurting.

Worse, is we have had several arguments about sex, he is just never interested. He denied he needed !!!!!!, and made out I was a deviant of some kind, for wanting more sex (more than once a month).

He has treated me like a housemate for ages. Even if what he said was true, then I'd still be jealous as hell, as I've longed for him to see me as special, to want me.

I guess I'm just stupid.

Amanda65

catwithoutcream wrote: »

I guess I'm just stupid.

No just in love with someone who doesn't deserve it. Do your parents know what it is that he has been looking at? He's brought them into the argument so I don't see why you shouldn't furnish them with the detail.

It sounds as though this is a particularly difficult time of year for you so you are vulnerable and low but don't let him use this to his advantage. Do you want to be with this man and does he want to be with you? Can you / are you both prepared to work hard at making this relationship work? Unless the answer to these questions is yes, from both of you, then I think for your own and your childs sake you need to look at separating and how you can build up a good relationship to ensure you child has a happy future.

However much you love him and want to be with him if he doesn't want to be with you there is nothing you can do and you deserve to be with someone who does care. Good luck

hazyjo

Without meaning to be harsh (honestly, I don't!), it will always be the anniversary of something tragic within a month or two - especially the older we get! Lost my dad a couple of months ago and remember saying how grateful I was that it wasn't within a month of anyone's birthday, Christmas, father's day, etc... My friend lost her mum on Mother's Day, an other friend buried his mum on New Year's Eve. Try to keep your grief separate to what you're going through now. You certainly do not need him by your side to make things easier. If anything, it'll make the grief a whole lot worse.

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Horrible situation. Don't for one minute believe him either, but there you go. Men like that are very manipulative - I've seen a few. Always wanted to believe them, and was the one made to feel bad, suspicious or paranoid... if it's any consolation, I don't regret leaving them. Wish I'd not been so blinkered at the time, and my only regret is staying with them and putting up with their BS for as long as I did.

I left my husband recently. Said he had no sex drive. Was a bit of a battle for years. Turning point for me was finding !!!!!! on his laptop. Don't have a problem with it - but it was pretty horrible stuff, plus I don't see how someone with no sex drive can quite happily sit there DIY-ing. The desire must've been there generally. Obviously his problem was with me, or me and him together. Some people just have a kink, or some sort of demand that you will never satisfy. IMO, that 'obsession' or whatever it is that does it for them rarely disappears.

Trust your instincts. Give up with trying to justify why you're saying/feeling what you do. End of conversation. Now it's decision time. He will not back down, confess or apologise. Give up trying to explain yourself. You are in the right.

Jx

malkyh

What a terrible story. Viewing it is one thing (I've found that as long as you are not hiding the fact that you look at it a lot of partners don't mind, they can actually enjoy watching it together) but registering for an adult escort site is more than viewing. The internet is rammed full of free sites for viewing, no need to pay for it.

Harsh, but I'd bin him and move on with your life. The trust looks like it has gone.

VestanPance

Horrible situation, but I agree with those that think he needs to be booted out your life.

He registers to an escort website, gets caught and then expects you to apologise! The bloke's a nutcase.

downsizer3

For completely different reasons - my ex put me through a similar situation.
I was made to feel that I was being controlling, snooping, mad etc because I KNEW something was wrong. I towed the line and thought worse of myself but eventually it all came out - but only when he had to confess because he had got himself into a terrible mess (internet gambling in his case).
My point is - not to let yourself down by allowing is brow-beating/huffs/ranting to get the better of you. I should have listened to myself - what my ex was doing was wrong and I knew it, he knew it, but I hung in there because we had a very young child together and it was easier to let him win than look at splitting / selling up etc etc.
I really regret letting that happen now and wish I'd stuck to my guns and when I look back at the sheer venom of his ranting when I questioned him during those times I am flabergasted that he didn't see himself acting that way and stop. You OH will continue to deny his actions - that won't change - but don't deny yourself and what you know deep down.
If you think its wrong - it probably is.

sassyblue

Poor OP, l wish l could come and give you a hug.

Let me tell you about a couple who've been friends with my parents for years..... He had complete control over the bank account, they both worked full-time in good jobs. He told her their type of bank account couldn't issue bank cards so he gave her cash, and he said they only issue bank statements once a year. He'd also been left a large sum of money.

The reality was that he'd been having an affair for years that everyone but the poor wife and children knew about, when she found out she was determined to divorce him and she went to the bank to find out about their financial matters. They had £900 in the bank and when she got hold of the bank statements (he went home at lunchtime as he worked very nearby and he was destroying the monthly bank statements when they arrived in the post) she found he'd been using !!!!!! sites and all mannner of dodgy things with the bank card he'd kept quiet about.

Whe she confronted him she got the same treatment as you and he cried like a baby because he'd been found out, and he honestly thought she'd never divorce him. :rotfl:

To outsiders they were perfectly happy and l feel sorry for her, all her hopes of a comfortable retirement have gone and she has to work full-time even though she's mid 60's.

To be blunt OP, you're being duped and 'played'. I bet if you get hold of your bank details you'd have a nasty shock.

Chuck him out and tell your parents exactly why, if he wants to play that game ask him if he wants you to inform his parents the reasons behind your recent problems. The truth is he's been caught out about his sordid secrets but he will go on lying and blaming you because, well.... he's a jerk.

Don't ever let him convince you YOU are mad, he should be completely upfront if you have any questions and let you see everything, then you could both laugh afterwards that your suspicions were so daft.

If not, what's he hiding?

mikey72

catwithoutcream wrote: »

Well, he is still refusing to speak to me, and has now dragged my parents into it, saying that I went "mad" over something he was only looking at, and he wants me to apologise.

I had hoped that it was as simple as Tropez had suggested, and he had just looked.

I've done a lot of research now, and there is NO reason to register to look at photos. The woman he was interested - well I've seen her profile, and the few photos which are publically visible.

The ONLY reason he would have needed to register would be to get a mobile number, to view her private photos, or to have webcam sex. There is NO innocent reason - none whatsoever, you do not need to register just to browse, or it you are curious. So, therefore, and with him refusing to show me his profile, I HAVE to assume he has had paid for sex with lots of them. Yes, huge leap to make. But he still shows no remorse, still is angry with me for not being OK with it, and still doesn't get why I am so distraught.

How can you claim to love someone, see them in mental distress over something you admitted to, then give them the cold shoulder?

It's not a case of his mum finding his FHM stash under the bed, he actively sought a prostitute - LIED TO ME - about why, and has left me feeling sick and head spinning for the last two days.

This time of the year it is even worse, as next month will be the first anniversary of our second child's death.

I have lost 4 stone, bought loads of sexy undies, tried to seduce him many, many times. Yet he has turned me down for sex for nearly two years. Now I find out that he's fully prepared to spend our money on a !!!!! though.

Do you have support from your parents?
With my deepest apologies for touching on what must be such a distressing subject, without knowing any details, it's possible the death of your child has affected him in an adverse way to your relationship. Did he receive any counselling at the time? Have you talked about it yourselves since?

aileth

Haha, I wonder if his parents know what you went mad at him for 'looking at.' They might be quite interested to find out he's not looking at pictures of fluffy bunny rabbits and actually soliciting via adult sites!