Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

maman

OP asked for some views and got plenty! Reading through, lots are based and what's traditional/cultural/customary. This varies from family to family and one area/country to another. Customs are changing with funerals like everything else. Some may think the new ways are better others (like me) don't necessarily agree. Stitch has to decide whether to go with what's expected or start her own 'tradition'.

Personally, I hate seeing children at funerals but do agree they can lighten the atmsophere at a 'wake' if the childcare logistics can be worked out. Funerals are about respect and for the bereaved so it's your MIL you need to be thinking about. If it was me I'd definitely go as I can't see of a valid reason you can give for not going.

When my mother died my SIL wasn't going to come to the funeral. I think he was trying to avoid taking a day off as his boss is very mean with holidays. My DH knew (without me needing to say a word) I'd have found that hurtful and disrespectful to my mother and had a word with DD2. I was very pleased that he came (having worked in the morning).

sunshine_shell

I've been going to funerals since i was about 13 years old (i have a very big family) including attending one the day before my wedding. The two that stick with me are my grandads which ended up in a drunken party to celebrate him and my cousin K who was 38 and left 4 children aged between 5-14 all the children came to the funeral wearing beautiful bright clothes for their mums goodbye. They were the bravest people there.

I think funerals are a personal thing, they are my way of saying goodbye to that person. My Husbands first funeral was when he was 25 and it was his nans and he carried her coffin, nothing i said could prepare him for the devastation he felt. His second funeral is on Friday and its his best friends dad who he has known for 25 years.

Its up to you what you do but you need to think of others as well. Good luck with your decision.

poet123

I think that funerals are a part of life like taxes, something nobody wants to have to but for various reasons they mostly have to. I do think it disrespectful to essentially put your own feelings above those of close relatives and not attend. Of course, if asked, most people would say don't worry about it, what else are they going to say?

My husband's sister ( who doesn't work) flatly refuses to attend any funeral, which means that her mother who is 76 has to attend alone (if no one else in the family can get time off work to travel with her) Her reason is that she "doesn't like them" name me someone who does!

I think it is lovely when there is a big turnout at a funeral, it shows that the person was held in high regard and that people have made an effort to attend.

I wouldn't personally take children until they are about 12, and only then if I was sure they would not be too affected by the occasion or the grief on display. An elderly neighbour died a couple of weeks ago, and all my sons took time off work to attend as did some of their friends as they had known him all their lives. The church was full, and his widow told me it brought her great comfort.

It is a personal thing, but I see it as a sign of respect both to the living and the dead to attend a funeral service.

pineapple

My elderly father refused to attend the father of my mother. So my cousin came and took him out to lunch like it was a normal day as he refused to acknowledge it was even happening.
I'm not sure that it was because he couldn't come to terms with her death. He hated her and I was brought up in a world of strife .
Maybe it was guilt. She died after complaining about a pain in her leg - a week after he knocked her down in his electric wheelchair during an argument in the middle of a pedestrian crossing (we never established whether the accident was a contributing factor in her death or whether he did it deliberately :huh: )

But no one put any pressure on him - it was his way of dealing with it.
No one held it against him either and we all moved on afterwards.

*Louise*

duchy wrote: »

I too know adults who have avoided funerals and so it ended up their "first" was a partner or parent. It makes an already difficult day so much harder.

Totally agree - I never attended a funeral until I was in my 20's (through being lucky no one had died rather than avoidance) so my first funeral was my daughters, and it made a bad experience worse as I hadn't learned how to cope.

I agree that young children shouldn't have to go as they don't understand - my children never went to any of my grandparents funerals, but they attended their own grandads this year when they were 12, 6 and 4, although my FIL sat with the younger two in his car for the actual burial (I thought that was a bit too much for them to watch)

Also, never underestimate how much a good turnout can be comforting to the grieving family. My mum said how pleased she was that the service was overflowing and the wake venue was full, as it howed how much everyone cared.

I hate funerals, but will go for the sake of others.

thatgirlsam

The first funeral I went to was my Dads and I was 13, my brothers were 12 and 4. It was extremely important to me (us) to be part of his funeral.

My best friend was very, very close to her Nan, who lived with her, and when she died my mate was 9 or 10 I think. When she got home from school her Mum told her that it had been her Nans funeral that day. My friend was devastated, hurt and felt very left out. She felt like she hadn't been 'invited'. She is still very angry with her Mum, 25 years later!

It is every individuals choice for their children, wether they should attend funerals but can I just say i think a lot of people underestimate children, and how they can cope with emotions. Although I wouldn't 'want' my children to be upset at a funeral I see this as a normal reaction to a loved ones passing, and not something to be covered up.

jellyhead

I gave my eldest the choice, but part of what made me think the 7 year old was too young (other than my knowledge of his character) is it's a big family with some long-running feuds, volatile characters etc. and my kids would be upset if it ended up like the Jeremy Kyle stage. Especially after the funeral when the alcohol starts flowing you can't always trust people to behave decently