Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

heartbreak_star

If I may drop an odd tuppence-worth in here.

I think the children are possibly a little young to be there - I attended my grandfather's funeral when I was 9 and that was quite an experience.

For yourself, funerals and wakes are often very rich experiences. I will use my father's funeral/wake (June 2010) and my grandmother's (April 2012) as examples, as I might find it a bit hard to put into words.

Losing my father was devastating...but he had been ill for a long time with a condition that stole his personality and made him so frail so by the end it was better that he went. At his funeral, I was first into the church...and it was amazing when I walked out with my mum as it was packed out with dozens of people who had known and loved him. At the wake, each one of the had a memory of him or a story to tell, and I feel blessed that he touched so many peoples' lives. I still can't hear Abide with Me without breaking down inside though.

With my grandmother, her death was sudden - she had a stroke and never really woke up. There were far fewer people at her funeral - she was 91 - but those who were there made sure that myself and my mum were okay, told stories at the wake about the war and how romantic my nan and grandad were with each other, and in a strange way it brought the family closer.

We were lucky enough to have an excellent vicar (she did both services) that weaved a service from our recollections and her own research to make us all remember what we loved about the deceased.

I think what I'm trying to say is that funerals are not just people standing around crying. Yes, it's a final goodbye and paying respects - but it's not all about wearing black and crying into a grave. It's about talking, loving and remembering the best parts of the life of our lost loved one.

HBS x

loulou123

My grandad (who brought me up) died suddenly when I was 16 and on the morning of the funeral I decided I wasn't going as it was just to much.

Bearing in mind I was still a child and the most important person in my life had just died, some distant family members had a lot to say about how disrespectful it was I hadn't attended - its still brought up to this day and I do regret not going as I struggled to come to terms with his death as a result - as I had no closure.

I understand completely why you don't want your children to go, but think rightly or wrongly some people will think its disrespectful if you don't attend.

jellyhead

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I have to agree. I didn't go to my nan on my bio dads's side as i don't have anything to do with my dad and to be there would have a)upset the family as i'm not liked any any of them b)be hypocrital of me c)would have meant seeing my biodad and probably having a very public argument (not the time or the place) and d)i was really unwell and couldn't cope with all of the above. I feel a bit guilty but then we were never close and i think she'd understand why i didn't go.

Yes, I'm sure she would xx

It's my grandma's funeral tomorrow and a few of her grandchildren aren't going for various reasons, and we've been saying to each other that she'd understand.

My children aren't going, not even my teenager. They loved her and they have nice memories of her, and we've talked about her. Neither of them want to go, and whether anyone else thinks that's disrespectful or not I know that my lovely Nanna would never have expected them to go if they preferred their last memory of her to be a lovely sunny day in the park last month.

However, it's my Nan that I'm saying goodbye to and I am so glad that my husband will be there.

Stitch it's up to you as a family what you decide, but I think there's a possibility that your husband might want you there just to hold his hand.

Welshwoofs

I guess the only thing I can add is that to avoid all funerals because you're worried that you'll react badly if someone else there is wailing and crying is making assumptions about funerals.

I've been to a fair old number of them and I've never seen someone wailing at one. Funerals are all different - I've been to pretty sober ones with lots of hymns and prayers and I've been to ones which were more a celebration of their life. At my step-father's, one of the family who's a folk singer brought his guitar and sang and rather than prayers we had poems and people who knew him relating funny anecdotes. The only tears in the place were from laughter!

Ultimately it's a personal choice - but I tend to think it's a good idea to actually have some experience of them (particularly when it's people you're not too emotionally attached to), otherwise it's easy to find that the first one you attend is your own parent or spouse and then you'd likely find yourself poleaxed and with no idea what to do.

Boots888

OP I agree maybe not to take your little ones along. They don't need to understand nor see their family grieving.

But as for you I think you should give it some thought. You're not obliged to attend - nobody is. But it is a great gesture to make and a simple one. It shows that you respect the grief of those left behind, even though you were'nt close yourself.

You obviously care or you wouldn't be struggling with this dilemma and asking for advice.

Nobody likes a funeral, but the more the merrier, or I should say the more that attend the more comfort for close family left behind.

I both found comfort in those that attended my Mum's memoriel and I know I gave comfort in attending my neighbours funeral last week, who I'd only known for a few years to say hello to.

It's hard but I think you'd regret not going, having given it so much thought.

pineapple

'Disrespectful' to who? The dead person doesn't give a toss. Even if you believe in an afterlife they are probably past being offended by such things.
I take the view of a previous poster who said funerals are more for the bereaved. But IMO it would be hypocritical of you to attend the funeral of someone you didn't know or care about just because 'it's expected'. In this case I think the only reason for going would be to support your husband - if he needs you there. So I would try to be sure that he isn't just 'saying' he doesn't mind you not going.
I certainly don't think there are 'issues with grief'. I know people who haven't attended the funeral of even close family - or who have refused to go and see the body if it's on display. It's about individual choice and not responding to peer/family pressure and those weasel words 'paying respects'.

marisco_2

I believe it is how you treat people whilst they are alive that counts. I dont think it is disrepsectful to not attend a funeral.

I have lost both sets of grandparents now, great aunts and uncles and family friends. I freely admit to not having attended any of their funerals, the only one I ever plan to go to is my own. It is something I just dont wish to do. None of my family have shown any upset or annoyance at my decisions. They respected that I wished to say goodbye and show my respects to these loved ones in my own way.

Grief is a very personal experience. I think it is more direspectful to not be accepting of how individuals want to go through that journey and to make them feel like they should do something they would rather not. You are wise to wish to protect young children from seeing people distressed. Far better to spend the day your own way and remember the loved one as you wish to

heartbroken

Are the family having a wake afterwards? Could your children just go to that?

I will be in the same situation soon (my grandma's funeral) in that I don't my two young children to attend the funeral and see their family upset so my MIL will look after them and bring them to the wake afterwards.

People won't be as upset at the wake and the little ones can join in the celebration of the life of the person who has died. Children help to lighten the mood and their attendance may be a source of comfort to the family.

Best wishes

x

System

I hate funerals. I dont even want to go to my own but joking aside. I went to my husband's Aunties funeral a couple of years ago. Not because i wanted to, not because it was expected of me, i went because my husband wanted me there. If he hadnt been bothered theres no way i would have gone.

bluenoseam

Person_one wrote: »

That's a bit harsh, nobody actually loves grief and funerals and gets it perfectly right every time. There's no way to be 100% ok with having the people you love die and watching them be buried or cremated.

How exactly should she 'sort that out'?

I'd say you're mistaking straight language for being harsh - grief is an unavoidable thing which at the very least you need to be able to confront as opposed to hiding from it. The "sort that out" would be to talk with a grief counselor about ways to deal with it in a manner whereby you're not running away from it or fearing it. You're correct, no one "loves" it, but it's something you have to deal with otherwise it's not healthy on an emotional level. It certainly wasn't my intention to be harsh but by the same measure I don't normally go around sugaring what I say - a spade is after all a spade, not an advanced implement for the transfer of material from one location to another!