Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

bestpud

Fire_Fox wrote: »

IMO it might be better if you start addressing your issues with grief and surrounding funerals while it's not someone close to you. At some point in the future you will need to attend a funeral and will need to take your children, it might better it not be their first and your first simultaneously. Potentially your fears will rub off on them.

Not all funerals have people distraught at them, many times families hold it together in a completely different way than you'd expect. Sometimes funerals are bitter-sweet particularly if you know it was that person's time and you see people you know the deceased would have been pleased to have present.

Why is it inevitable she will have to attend a funeral and take her children?

sassyblue

bestpud wrote: »

Why is it inevitable she will have to attend a funeral and take her children?

Probably not inevitable as it's always a choice, but imo taking children to a funeral is best done earlier rather than later if you can. Of course it's better it's not a tragic funeral of a young person where grief may be worse and more on display but l've known grown up people who've never been to a funeral and are really nervous, better to get out of the way when they're young so fear of the unknown is gone.

time2deal

Stitch2012 wrote: »

I am worried about upsetting his mom, I really don't want to do that and also I really don't want to see her so upset because I know this will break her.

To be completely honest I think you should go. If you not going has a chance of upsetting your MIL on one of the hardest days of her life, then you should go. On the flip side, if being there will help, then I think you should also go.

The kids are up to you - but if you can, and if it helps, then I really think you should try to go.

balletshoes

I don't think attending funerals is ever easy - I'm in my mid-40s and I get upset at every single one even now, I'm fairly sure thats not going to go away for me.

But, I do agree with Fire Fox - it might be a good experience for you to go to your husband's grandad's funeral, to support him and your MIL. You don't need to fake anything, or try to feel anything that you don't feel. And if you get very upset because its your first funeral, thats okay too, as I said I've been to quite a few now (including my Dad's and my very close aunt's) and I get upset every time.

I do agree your children are too young just now to attend (I was 12, my sisters 11, when we attended our first close relative's funeral). My daughter and her cousins did come to the "cup of tea" after the church and graveside ceremonies at my Dad's funeral, my daughter was the youngest at 4, but traditionally in my family thats not a sad part of the day, its family and friends getting together, remembering and celebrating our loved ones, and enjoying being together.

But again, if you really feel you don't want to go, and your husband is fine with that and understands, then you shouldn't feel pressure into going.

Fire_Fox

bestpud wrote: »

Why is it inevitable she will have to attend a funeral and take her children?

Because at some point someone close enough to them will die that it would be rude/ disrespectful/ unhealthy not to attend, and at some point the children will be old enough to want to or to be expected to. How is that not obvious?

InsideInsurance

I think it is totally for a discussion between you and your husband and not really anything to do with either the wider family nor a forums opinion.

Funerals are very much for the "benefit" of the living. They can be exceptionally sober affairs but they can also be more about celebrating someones life as well as morning their death.

I can understand you not wanting young kids there but does your husband want them to say goodbye to their great grandfather? Does your husband want your emotional support for himself on the day?

To be blunt, at the moment your questions are coming across as very self centred

zaxdog

IMO I don't think funerals are the right place for young children. It can be distressing for them and distracting to the adults who are grieving.

My OH will be travelling down to England for his grandfathers funeral on the 20th and I'm not going. I feel it would be inappropriate as I only met the man once and I don't know any other members of the family (except his Mum).

Don't know it that helps

POPPYOSCAR

I would be going if for no other reason than to support my OH.

But it is not the end of the world if you do not.

Surely there will come a time though when you do have to attend a funeral to someone close to you. I would find this extremely difficult if I had not experienced one already, I think.

Stitch2012

My husband does not think they should go and understands why I would also not want them to go. But we have both agreed that when oldest is about 8 she makes her own choices.

Yes what I am asking is probably self centred that's what I wanted to know.

Stitch2012

My husband would not go either but is only going to support his mom. He hasn't really had a relationship with his nan and grandad as they spent most of the lives in Italy.