Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

Stitch2012

Hiya

I was just looking for some opinions really.

My husbands grandfather is terminally ill, and I really do not want to go to the funeral, nor do I want my children going, they are 18 months and 5 years. I do not them to see other family members so distraught and upset. My daughter understands a little bit about death and where you may go, and burial ect, but I just don't want her to see it.

I myself have never had any one die close to me, my own grandfather died when I was 9 and it was heartbreaking to see my mom go through that but we did not attend the funeral as it was in a different country. I have only met my grandfather a few times when we was babies, so there was never any emotional feelings towards it.I've never attended a funeral so I think this is what makes it harder.

I'm fearing that husbands family will think I am being disrespectful and selfish, my husband accepts my descision and is happy for me to not attend.

What are your opinions? Thank you

Tupperware_Queen

I would not take such young children to a funeral, and if other family members are attending, then it seems quite reasonable for you not to attend so that you can care for them. If your husband understands then I would not worry about the rest of the family.

sassyblue

It's not disrespectful. You have young children so it's understandible you may not be attending because you don't want them to see the adults being upset.

By all means tell DH's family you and the children will be saying a few prayers at home for grandads farewell day.

I've always told my 6 year old funerals are 'goodbye and happy to have known/loved you days' so he understands the finality but does not dwell on the sad side.

VitaK

I understand the issue with shielding kids from these things, but you could arrange a sitter, so you could attend and support your hubby and hes family.

PasturesNew

It'd be difficult taking small kids to a funeral, just in case they chose that moment to be noisy/unruly/stroppy.

Send a very nice card - and write a nice note in it - and send a letter within (longer/rambling) - think of some special memories/times spent with the deceased - or something they used to enjoy, something they said.... then to read such anecdotes from somebody is a joy as you discover how that person was perceived by others and little insights into parts of their life you never knew about. Also, if you have a few photos that only you have, get a copy of them and send those too.

SandC

Stitch I can see where you are coming from as i didn't attend my mum's funeral when she passed away (I was 10 and relatives thought it best not, so that's what happened). Then I didn't attend any funerals for many years after that and almost developed a phobia about it. My grandparents had passed away before I was born anyway and basically I just didn't go to any others because I had this weird thing that if I didn't go to my own mother's then why should I go to anyone elses? I know, weird.

Anyway, I eventually did attend my uncle's and this was many years later. I had to brace myself to do it but I did and as I've got older (nearly 42 now) there have been others and I now attend the funerals of people I know as a mark of respect.

Something to bear in mind which was very important to me at my father's death was that when someone reaches a certain age there may not be many people around any more to attend a funeral and it's a nice gesture to show your respects to the other family members who are there. My dad had been ill for many years and had spent the last 7/8 of them in a nursing home so I was really worried that there would be hardly anyone there. The presence of some unexpected faces there was so comforting to us as a family.

So please consider that even if you don't have your children there (which I get, they are very young - there is plenty of time for them to get used to death and suchlike), these situations are not about you but majorly the close relatives of the deceased. So please think about whether this is just about funerals in themselves rather than what the process is actually about.

Best of luck.

gingin_2

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want children to go. I think it's a very personal decision that should be for the parents to decide with the child's best interests at heart.

I do think if you have child care for your children then you should go. It shouldn't be about you, it should be out of respect for your husband's grandfather and his family, to show that you want to support and love them at a difficult time.

I'm pretty traditional about these things so might be out of touch but it's definitely the way I do things.

cte1111

My initial response was that it's entirely up to you. However on second thoughts, I would qualify this by saying it's best to try and check that your husband and his family aren't going to be upset by your not going.

I've sadly had a few family funerals over the last couple of years. I didn't take my children to any of them. The last funeral was my Dad's, I did talk to both of my children to see if they wanted to go (they were 9 and 5). In the end they both decided that they would rather not go and my friend looked after them for us.

My husband's grandma died last year and although I didn't consider taking the children, I did want to go myself, partly to pay my own respects, partly to support my husband I guess also because I didn't want to risk upsetting my MIL.

It's a difficult question, funerals are never easy. Maybe ask around your friends and relatives on your side to see if anyone would be able to look after the children? You could just go for a short while then come home.

bestpud

I didn't go to my nan's funeral and would prefer never to go to one again. I think it should be left to individuals and I wouldn't make anyone feel bad for avoiding them.

However, I went to my FIL's recently as I wanted to be there to support my husband - that was more important to me, and him, than my dislike of funerals. My parents looked after our youngest as she chose not to go, but she went to the wake afterwards.

I've always been upfront with my children and given them the choice once they got to around 7 years old. I don't think I'd take a child younger than that unless it was a very close relative.

If I were you I'd have a chat with the family and explain where you are coming from.

Stitch2012

Thank you for all your responses, I've never really dealt with grief and I think this is what I will find hard, obviously it's so much harder for his nan and mom. My husband fully understands why I don't want to go. I just cant really explain how I feel.

I am worried about upsetting his mom, I really don't want to do that and also I really don't want to see her so upset because I know this will break her.

I think as well my family don't have traditional values surrounding death, I come from a family that doesn't show emotion, and to hide the upset. I just can't quite convey what I want to say to be honest.

Fire_Fox

IMO it might be better if you start addressing your issues with grief and surrounding funerals while it's not someone close to you. At some point in the future you will need to attend a funeral and will need to take your children, it might better it not be their first and your first simultaneously. Potentially your fears will rub off on them.

Not all funerals have people distraught at them, many times families hold it together in a completely different way than you'd expect. Sometimes funerals are bitter-sweet particularly if you know it was that person's time and you see people you know the deceased would have been pleased to have present.