Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

balletshoes

pineapple wrote: »

'Disrespectful' to who? The dead person doesn't give a toss. Even if you believe in an afterlife they are probably past being offended by such things.
I take the view of a previous poster who said funerals are more for the bereaved. But IMO it would be hypocritical of you to attend the funeral of someone you didn't know or care about just because 'it's expected'. In this case I think the only reason for going would be to support your husband - if he needs you there. So I would try to be sure that he isn't just 'saying' he doesn't mind you not going.
I certainly don't think there are 'issues with grief'.
I know people who haven't attended the funeral of even close family - or who have refused to go and see the body if it's on display.
It's about individual choice and not responding to peer/family pressure and those weasel words 'paying respects'.

while I would do my utmost best to attend a funeral of close family, I have to say, having gone to see my Dad in the funeral parlour before the casket was closed, I won't be doing that again, ever. Thats not the way I would choose to remember a loved one, but I accept we're all different and maybe some people get a sense of closure from that.

Stitch2012

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

You must be fairly young then if your husbands's grandfather was only 60.

We are both 25.

sedment

I can understand the concern for your children. And think they might be a touch young to attend a funeral. My son was one when my grandad died. He was very poorly for a week in hospital before he passed and we took him into see my grandad which was frowned on by certain family members. But it might be a good idea to take them to the tea/wake after. Its more about being there for your husband and his family.

fawd1

Sorry to be the bearer of an unwanted opinion, but yes, I think it would be disrespectful not to go. I can fully understand not taking the children, I wouldn't myself, as generally it's not appropriate for them to see adults grieving in such a raw way at such a young age. HOWEVER, you're an adult, and whilst I understand your dislike/aversion to funerals, I don't think that would wash with me. I would be incredibly hurt if someone close to me didn't come to the funeral of someone in my family (and theirs in your case). Like others have said, the funeral is about two things. Respecting the memory of the person that has passed away, but also (and sometimes more importantly) showing those that are mourning his passing that you are there to support them in their grief.

No one enjoys funerals, and no one knows the right thing to say. Just go, hold your OH's hand and give your MIL a hug. That's all that will be expected.

SandC

Stitch, I was a sobbing mess when my dog died when I was 22. Yet I was cool, calm and collected when my dad passed away 3 years ago, at the time and through the funeral and since. I wasn't even in a state of distress I would say, when my mum died when I was 10.

I have also been in a distraught state when I've been dumped by a bloke before now.

I haven't managed to figure all this stuff out even now and every so often the guilt floods back that I handle things differently to how it's expected. The human pysche is a complex thing is all I can come up with.

I didn't see my dad at the funeral home either, I saw him at the hospital after he passed and I said goodbye then, I didn't feel he was him anymore after that and it wasn't something I felt I should do.

On the comfort side I might add as well that receiving cards was so touching, it said to me that people cared enough to buy one, write one, post one.

Stitch2012

Fawd1 thanks for your opinion, I do appreciate all opinions even if it's ones I don't necessarily agree with its the manner in which they are given that make me appreciate them.

SandC thanks, she was hysterical, it did not help that it was her that actually killed the cat, she reversed and ran it over. I remember what she was like, I won't forget it.

We have known for a whole now that he is terminal which I guess why is it playing on my mind, I'm worried how she will cope.

I understand what you mean, I guess we will never know unless you experience it. His death will not go unpassed by me and us as a family, I will celebrate his life and involve the girls, whether it may be at the funeral or not.

CH27

I think you should go to support your OH & MIL.
Can you arrange childcare?

bestpud

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Father-in-law wasn't on my list, so how is that relevant?

It's potentially disrespectful to either, but one largely 'pays respects' to the dead for the benefit of the living. It's highly unlikely that your children, partner, parents AND all others close to the deceased will be fine with you not attending the funeral of your partner, best friend, child, parent or sibling.

I was referring to your comment about supporting family members at a funeral rather than the relation to me. I agree we need to think about that sometimes.

We will have to agree to disagree.

I can hand on heart say my family would want me, and everyone else in the family, to do what feels comfortable for them and there would be no pressure at all to attend a funeral of anyone.

Other families may be hung up on tradition and being seen to do the 'right' thing but we care about individuals more.

coolcait

Stitch2012 wrote: »

No I won't be embarrassed by her grief, more upset for her to go through it.

At what point in my secret code language did I say I don't like her. It was really awful to see her lose her cat it will be so much worse for her to lose her dad.

Well, I just typed, and lost, the perfect post! ;)Curse you internet connection! :rotfl:

All I can offer now are these imperfect but heartfelt thoughts.

I can really relate to the reasons why you don't want to attend the funeral. And I know how difficult it is to put that into words.

I'll try to explain how I used to feel about funerals. If none of it is relevant to you, just say so. Or ignore it. If any of it strikes a chord with you, I hope that you might find something in there that helps.

I come from a family which is/was very 'buttoned up' emotionally. To the extent that if you 'caught' someone crying, they reacted with embarrassed horror. If you cried in front of them, for good reason, they'd say 'Stop! You'll set me off!' - as if it would be a bad thing if they cried. (I have to say at this point that we've all got a lot better at dealing with emotion since then!! Although, we were so bad with emotion that it was easy to 'get better' :eek:)

Against the background of all that emotional baggage, the thought of attending a family funeral was very difficult. But, when I finally did go to a funeral, I found that it really wasn't as daunting as I'd built it up to be (not saying it's easy, certainly not saying it's fun. But it is manageable).

However, if you can't go to a funeral, for whatever reasons, there are lots of good suggestions on this thread for other ways to show respect. I've used them all, and - if we're being totally honest - those are the things which people have remembered. More than attending the funeral!

- Write a personal note. However short. People will remember the fact that you wrote about their 'husband/grandfather/son' etc rather than their 'loss'. Especially if you have a special memory of them;

- offer to babysit all the younger children, so that all of the parents can attend the funeral, without having the hassle of finding childcare at an already difficult time

- help out with/organise/do the catering for any event after the funeral.

- any combination of the above.

It's 'showing your respects' in a different, and practical, way.

coolcait

Stitch2012 wrote: »

...
SandC thanks, she was hysterical, it did not help that it was her that actually killed the cat, she reversed and ran it over. I remember what she was like, I won't forget it.

...

Ah. That's probably a key point.

She wasn't just hysterical because her cat had died. The fact is that she had killed her cat, accidentally. She may feel that it's her fault. That's a lot of guilt to deal with, alongside the grief.

I don't think that this incident is the best way to try to judge how she might react when her father dies from a known illness.