Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

BritAbroad

Haven't read all the posts, but here's another view anyway.

When I was four, my friend died. I'd had a vague awareness that she was ill but that was all, in the way 4-year-olds do. My parents went to the funeral, I asked if I could come with them but was told no. (To be fair it was also at Christmastime so not the best time of year). Even now, 30-odd years down the line, I still wish I could have gone and said goodbye.

jumpingjackd

Maybe not a popular view, but I think children should attend funerals. My first as an adult was a huge shock and very distressing. In contrast my children have attended funerals when family members have died and maybe they have not been comfortable with them they do understand the concept of life and death. And it it a way of saying goodbye to a much loved person and of paying respect

I personally feel attending a funeral is the last thing you can ever do for a person you loved or respected, you will never get a chance to do anything for them ever again!
.
At some point all of us will experience the death of a much loved person!!

coolcait

jumpingjackd wrote: »

Maybe not a popular view, but I think children should attend funerals. My first as an adult was a huge shock and very distressing. In contrast my children have attended funerals when family members have died and maybe they have not been comfortable with them they do understand the concept of life and death. And it it a way of saying goodbye to a much loved person and of paying respect

I personally feel attending a funeral is the last thing you can ever do for a person you loved or respected, you will never get a chance to do anything for them ever again!
.
At some point all of us will experience the death of a much loved person!!

I disagree with you in your view that "children should attend funerals". Especially if the children "have not been comfortable with them"

A funeral is, as you say "a way" of saying goodbye and of paying respect.

It is not "the only" way of doing so.

Attending a funeral is not necessarily "the last thing you can ever do" for the deceased.

People on this thread have already given examples of ways to help others 'do something' for the deceased.

Without ever having to go into legal details on what the survivors can/can't/shouod/shouldn't be dealing with.

jumpingjackd

coolcait wrote: »

I disagree with you in your view that "children should attend funerals". Especially if the children "have not been comfortable with them"

A funeral is, as you say "a way" of saying goodbye and of paying respect.

It is not "the only" way of doing so.

Attending a funeral is not necessarily "the last thing you can ever do" for the deceased.

People on this thread have already given examples of ways to help others 'do something' for the deceased.

Without ever having to go into legal details on what the survivors can/can't/shouod/shouldn't be dealing with.

My children have unfortunately had to attend several family funerals, and I feel it was a way of saying goodbye, and yes it was the last thing they could do for the deceased,

pineapple

Funerals can be a bit like weddings - people turn up who haven't seen each other (or the deceased) once in a blue moon mainly because their presence is decreed by convention.
The only funerals I ever attended were where I cared about the person or the family or both. I remember being shocked when I attended the funeral of a colleague who had died of an overdose and realised the person who had been the nastiest towards her in life (and possibly a cause of the overdose) was also there.
Possibly the next funeral I attend will be my own. :eek:
And if perchance I am looking down on the ceremony from the great funeral home in the sky, I think I would rather see a handful who actually care than an assembly of the good, the bad and the indifferent who are there just because society obligates them to 'pay their respects'.
Edit: I didn't go to any funerals as a child but strangely enough didn't suffer from any grief/avoidance issues in later life as a result.

Aimless

I was quite disappointed my other half is always unable to attend funerals with me, I have one this week that he'll be missing. As well as being nice to have his support, it's also one of the rare occasions my whole extended family gathers, which is a shame to miss.

Both my children will be going though. I think it is good for them to experience at a young age, to avoid some of the issues people have about funerals. I have a neighbour who said they're 'spooky' for goodness sake! I want them to be able to deal with such things.

I wouldn't maybe take them to a more difficult funeral such as that for a young child, but an expected funeral to celebrate the life of someone who lived long and happily is fine.

duchy

I whole heartedly believe funerals are for the living left behind. You attend to support THEM and to show that the passing of their loved one counts with you.
When my uncle died I had a baby of a few months old and my Mum told me no-one expected me to go-I called the house during the wake and my uncle's brother said to me how sorry he was we weren't there and how everyone had hoped to see the baby. I'd given in to my Mum because I didn't want to upset her -but I should have gone-I rather like seeing babies at funerals -circle of life and all that. Children older than babies no though-not until about the age of 12 or so when they can understand what is going on.

I too know adults who have avoided funerals and so it ended up their "first" was a partner or parent. It makes an already difficult day so much harder.

I would understand completely someone not attending a funeral because they have children -and can't get childcare for a few hours however -I do believe the OP is using her children as an excuse and that to me is completely disrespectful and a bit manipulative -but far better those who do care enough to attend are left in ignorence of her true motives I guess but I do think the OP should be addressing her own fears at some point to save difficulties in the future.

jellyhead

jumpingjackd wrote: »

My children have unfortunately had to attend several family funerals, and I feel it was a way of saying goodbye, and yes it was the last thing they could do for the deceased,

I don't think it's the last thing they can do for the deceased. My children are at school today, and will not be going to my Nanna's funeral. Last night we ate her favourite meal and talked about the last time they saw her, because I want their last memory of her to be a good one. We talked about what she was like when she was younger and more mobile, and what we used to do at her house when I was a child. Yesterday was her birthday and we will remember her each year by eating her favourite meal.

Letting go of a balloon is a last way of saying goodbye, or praying to God to take care of her. Even eating her favourite meal in her honour is a way of saying goodbye.

I honestly don't think that my children need to see her coffin, or think about cremation, or see the family distraught to say goodbye to her. It's not about respect, in my opinion. They respected her while she was alive. She knew they loved her, and that's what's important.

I appreciate that you feel the way you do, but I think everyone's different and there's not necessarily a right or wrong way to grieve.

Amanda65

I think this topic is very much a personal one and a decision that each individual should make themselves.

No-one likes attending a funeral and I was lucky enough to not have to attend any when I was young (only person who died was my Granddad when I was 18 months old and I didn't go) but that meant that the first funeral I attended was that of a friend when I was 19 and it was VERY difficult. I was terrified and didn't want to go but did to support his wife / family and it got me over the 'fear'.

When my Nan died, my children were 8, 11 and 14 and we asked them if they wanted to go and they did. I explained that some people (me and my Mum!) would be very sad and may cry but that it was also a way to celebrate Nan's life and that people there would all be talking about her and sharing happy memories - which they did. When we left my Mum's house after the wake my DS (the 8 year old) said "thanks very much Grandma, that's the best party I've ever been to at your house" :rotfl::rotfl:

Gorgeestwo

My grandfather's funeral is next tuesday and my two children (aged 5 and 7) won't be going, I have a very vivid memory of seeing my dad very upset at his mothers funeral when I was 8 or 9 yrs old, it terrified me seeing someone I loved so much upset and I have quite a fear of funerals and pretty much everything to do with them so I totally agree with you that you don't want the children to go.

Having said that, myself and my DH will be going to my grandads funeral, not only out of respect to him, but my nan and also my mother would be very upset if we weren't there and having the family around them at that time will mean a lot to them. I'd rather be anywhere else on earth tbh (as would everyone at a funeral really!) and even thinking about it now makes me feel physically sick, I certainly couldn't go without my DH being there for the support.

I'm not particularly close to my in laws (in fact not close at all lol), but again went to my husbands grandfathers funeral a couple of years ago, so I could not only show my support for the family as a whole, but I wouldn't want my husband to be there on his own.