Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

Dunroamin

If you don't go to this, you may find that the first funeral you go to is that of one of your or your parter's parents. Going to one where you don't feel too personally involved would be good preparation for an occasion which will be closer to home.

System

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I agree up to a point.

I would find it very hard to go to a funeral of someone I detested just to be supporting the bereaved. I would feel a hypocrite.

I have to agree. I didn't go to my nan on my bio dads's side as i don't have anything to do with my dad and to be there would have a)upset the family as i'm not liked any any of them b)be hypocrital of me c)would have meant seeing my biodad and probably having a very public argument (not the time or the place) and d)i was really unwell and couldn't cope with all of the above. I feel a bit guilty but then we were never close and i think she'd understand why i didn't go.

bestpud

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Because at some point someone close enough to them will die that it would be rude/ disrespectful/ unhealthy not to attend, and at some point the children will be old enough to want to or to be expected to. How is that not obvious?

It isn't obvious because I don't agree with you.

I don't think it is rude, unhealthy or disrespectful to avoid any funeral.

Fire_Fox

bestpud wrote: »

It isn't obvious because I don't agree with you.

I don't think it is rude, unhealthy or disrespectful to avoid any funeral.

IMO it is unhealthy and disrespectful for an adult not to attend the funeral of your partner, best friend, child, parent or sibling (assuming in each case one has a relationship with them and are physically able to go). You really think it is fine not to attend these/ not to support your own children, partner or parents?

Person_one

Fire_Fox wrote: »

IMO it is unhealthy and disrespectful for an adult not to attend the funeral of your partner, best friend, child, parent or sibling (assuming in each case one has a relationship with them and are physically able to go). You really think it is fine not to attend these/ not to support your own children, partner or parents?

You're over simplifying.

Relationships aren't always that clear cut.

Stitch2012

I don't think I have any grief issues, I would say more emotional issues and letting that out, if it was my in laws funerals, partners , my immediate family and friends I would go to the funeral. my husband and i do not really have a relationship with his grandparents.

I dont think it's unhealthy to not attend a funeral, at the end of the day if I chose not to go ,its my choice. I would prefer not to go but and I'm being blunt here, it depends on whoses funeral it is.


However with some of the helpful comments on this thread, I am starting to sway towards going, more so because of my inlaws.

bestpud

Fire_Fox wrote: »

IMO it is unhealthy and disrespectful for an adult not to attend the funeral of your partner, best friend, child, parent or sibling (assuming in each case one has a relationship with them and are physically able to go). You really think it is fine not to attend these/ not to support your own children, partner or parents?

I agree one should support a living relative, or other person they are close to, but I don't see it as a problem if that person is ok with the decision not to attend. I wouldn't make someone feel bad if they felt they couldn't support me at a funeral - its a personal choice and I respect that.

My DH said he would understand if I didn't go to his dad's funeral but I wanted to be there for him - it didn't cross my mind that others would see it as disrespectful.

If the deceased was that close to me, they'd understand my decision and the living are able to discuss their reasons for attending/not attending.

I guess each case is different and I don't think it is automatically disrespectful.

Which part of not going do you have a problem with? Do you think it's disrespectful to the living or the dead?

Fire_Fox

Person_one wrote: »

You're over simplifying.

Relationships aren't always that clear cut.

Which I allowed for in "someone close enough to them" and "assuming in each case one has a relationship with them".

Stitch2012 wrote: »

I dont think it's unhealthy to not attend a funeral, at the end of the day if I chose not to go ,its my choice. I would prefer not to go but and I'm being blunt here, it depends on whoses funeral it is.

Agreed: Which is why I said "someone close enough to them" and "assuming in each case one has a relationship with them".

bestpud wrote: »

I agree one should support a living relative, or other person they are close to, but I don't see it as a problem if that person is ok with the decision not to attend. I wouldn't make someone feel bad if they felt they couldn't support me at a funeral - its a personal choice and I respect that.

My DH said he would understand if I didn't go to his dad's funeral but I wanted to be there for him - it didn't cross my mind that others would see it as disrespectful.

If the deceased was that close to me, they'd understand my decision and the living are able to discuss their reasons for attending/not attending.

I guess each case is different and I don't think it is automatically disrespectful.

Which part of not going do you have a problem with? Do you think it's disrespectful to the living or the dead?

Father-in-law wasn't on my list, so how is that relevant?

It's potentially disrespectful to either, but one largely 'pays respects' to the dead for the benefit of the living. It's highly unlikely that your children, partner, parents AND all others close to the deceased will be fine with you not attending the funeral of your partner, best friend, child, parent or sibling.

GobbledyGook

I think that it might be a good idea for you to go. Your first funeral is a big thing (imo) and my first was my mother's. Although I wasn't particularly close to her it was incredibly hard for me dealing with my own grief whilst seeing my grandparents (who brought me up) so devastated. I think it'd be a good thing if someone's first funeral experience was for someone who they knew/knew of, but don't have the same sense of loss as the next funeral could potentially throw up. I also think it would be good if your first experience of a funeral wasn't also your children's first experience of one.

Also (and sorry if this sounds mean, I can't think of a way to word it) it might also help your children feel less anxious about funerals if they know that you've been before and it's fine and just one of life's things.

Person_one

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Which I allowed for in "someone close enough to them" and "assuming in each case one has a relationship with them".



Agreed: Which is why I said "someone close enough to them" and "assuming in each case one has a relationship with them".



Father-in-law wasn't on my list, so how is that relevant?

It's potentially disrespectful to either, but one largely 'pays respects' to the dead for the benefit of the living. It's highly unlikely that your children, partner, parents AND all others close to the deceased will be fine with you not attending the funeral of your partner, best friend, child, parent or sibling.

Every family is different, every relationship is different, every person is different, every situation is different.

Grief and funerals are a perfect example of the kind of scenario you just can't have rigid rules and strict 'right and wrong' ideas about. Let people figure it out amongst themselves.