Is it disrespectful to not attend a funeral?

Hermia

heartbreak_star wrote: »

If I may drop an odd tuppence-worth in here.

I think the children are possibly a little young to be there - I attended my grandfather's funeral when I was 9 and that was quite an experience.

For yourself, funerals and wakes are often very rich experiences. I will use my father's funeral/wake (June 2010) and my grandmother's (April 2012) as examples, as I might find it a bit hard to put into words.

Losing my father was devastating...but he had been ill for a long time with a condition that stole his personality and made him so frail so by the end it was better that he went. At his funeral, I was first into the church...and it was amazing when I walked out with my mum as it was packed out with dozens of people who had known and loved him. At the wake, each one of the had a memory of him or a story to tell, and I feel blessed that he touched so many peoples' lives. I still can't hear Abide with Me without breaking down inside though.

With my grandmother, her death was sudden - she had a stroke and never really woke up. There were far fewer people at her funeral - she was 91 - but those who were there made sure that myself and my mum were okay, told stories at the wake about the war and how romantic my nan and grandad were with each other, and in a strange way it brought the family closer.

We were lucky enough to have an excellent vicar (she did both services) that weaved a service from our recollections and her own research to make us all remember what we loved about the deceased.

I think what I'm trying to say is that funerals are not just people standing around crying. Yes, it's a final goodbye and paying respects - but it's not all about wearing black and crying into a grave. It's about talking, loving and remembering the best parts of the life of our lost loved one.

HBS x

I totally agree. I have lost both parents and my grandparents and recognise the situations you are describing. All the funerals I have been to have been a mix of crying and sadness, but also laughter and anecdotes. It can be lovely meeting people you have only heard about and hearing stories you have never heard before.

I think no-one should be forced to go to a funeral so everyone must do what feels right. The only time I would think it's disrespectful not to go is if you are the closest person to the next of kin and they really need your support on the day. I that case I think a person should put their own feelings aside and be supportive.

hawk30

I went to a family funeral recently and my husband didn't attend. Did I think he was disrespectful? No. Did my family think he was disrespectful? Not that I'm aware. And although his reasons for not attending were for work/travel reasons, rather than a dislike of funerals, I don't think that prevents me from saying that you don't have to attend if you don't want to.

That said, the funeral was actually quite nice (if you can say that about funerals). It was a good opportunity to hear about the life of the deceased, to share memories and talk to other family members. So I wouldn't avoid the funeral purely on the basis that you think it might upset you.

Stitch2012

Eton_Rifle wrote: »

If you find it too upsetting to go then you should tell the family directly yourself as otherwise it may look like you don't care and aren't even there for your husband.

Don't use the children as an excuse as it's so obvious. They'll know you could have gone without the children so it will fool no-one. They'll know it's you who doesn't really want to go and they'll wonder why.

If you explain your reason personally, they will almost certainly understand that you will find it too distressing.

Seeing a dead person doesnt bother me. It's seeing my mil having what I can only a imagine a break down, watching her lose her beloved cat was horrendous, god knows what she's going to be like when her dad dies.

I am not using the children as an excuse I am thinking about them and how it would affect them, I actually find it quite annoying how presumptuous you are being. Without knowing anything how can you know that I could go to the funeral without the children.

wondercollie

I didn't go to my father in laws funeral. Couldn't stand the man. My husband took our sons (8 and 5 at the time). They were fine. A man who was never religious and talked through my sons christenings had a church funeral.

What I did do was stay at their house and set up the funeral meal (well, somebody had to), so that those who chose to go were able to come back to a meal and a warm drink.

My father's celebration of life we all went to. He didn't want a funeral service (he figured if God hadn't given us a way to cure cancer by the 21st century, there wasn't a god) he wanted a lunch for his friends and coworkers and no black. It was a good afternoon.

Stitch2012

No I won't be embarrassed by her grief, more upset for her to go through it.

At what point in my secret code language did I say I don't like her. It was really awful to see her lose her cat it will be so much worse for her to lose her dad.

barbarawright

If you want to stay with your children, perhaps you could offer to look after other children who might be too young for the service? Then you would be involved but not involved if you see what I mean.

I don't think anyone actually likes funerals though - it's odd to hear people say they hate them as if that isn't the norm. Who wants to go to a funeral? But I've found the ones which I expected to find most distressing have actually been rather uplifting as you discover how many people loved the deceased.

claire16c

Wouldnt you want to be there to support your MIL through that though? And to be there for your husband? Atleast if you have no emotional connection to the person who has passed away yourself you wont have that to deal with.

Id go and if you can leave your children with a friend or someone on your side of the family. If you cant, then at least go to the wake and then bring the kids with you to that.

Why would you be seeing a dead person?

Stitch2012

I guess because I am not immediate family, she will have others to support her like her husband, daughter and sons, also her sister and their family.

I'm not too sure on a wake if they will have one ,but I will be fully supporting in any other way. I don't know if any other children will be going.

Another point someone made about the elderly not having many guests, grandad is 60 and has spent the last 20 years living in Italy, so another reason why I am swaying to go as there will not be many guests at the funeral.

claire16c

Your children could even be a welcome distraction, they certainly have been at some funerals Ive been too even if theyve just come for the wake afterwards.

I think going because there may not be many guests may be a good thing because I know at my Grandads funeral I was really touched by people there who I would never have guessed would have come.

So you can be supportive literally just by being there, even if youre not 'doing' much.

POPPYOSCAR

Stitch2012 wrote: »

I guess because I am not immediate family, she will have others to support her like her husband, daughter and sons, also her sister and their family.

I'm not too sure on a wake if they will have one ,but I will be fully supporting in any other way. I don't know if any other children will be going.

Another point someone made about the elderly not having many guests, grandad is 60 and has spent the last 20 years living in Italy, so another reason why I am swaying to go as there will not be many guests at the funeral.

You must be fairly young then if your husbands's grandfather was only 60.