What on earth have I done, what on earth should I do :(

Anarchist

I feel rotten. I don't know what I'm expecting posting on here, whether its so that I can be told what I've done is stupid and I deserve to feel so bad so that I can finally come to terms with it, or whether its in a desparate attempt to accept what I've done is OK.

I moved away from my home city about three years back, and moved in with a girl I met on the Internet. Things were great, although looking back there were a couple of signs along the way... Up until about a year ago anyway. Slowly our relationship started failing, we began argueing more and more. I say we, but I generally mean 'she' (she will begin arguements with me over things that have no relationship to me at all, she just takes all her agression out by shouting at me and trying to make me feel responsible for everything that happens in her life). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely shirking all responsibility for this state but everybody who is close to her gets the same attitude from her. The closer the person, the more she feels she can get away with saying/blaming what she wants to/on them.

Since the new year, we moved into a static caravan at her parents to try to save up some money for a deposit on a house (we were renting at the time, me struggling paying all the bills, her paying for all her makeup/handbags/etc). It was her idea to move into there, and since then things have been unbearable. Its everyday that she is constantly in a bad temper, I can barely speak to her without her going off into a rage. I've tried to tell her endless times but her usual response is 'well this is how I am, and if you can't change to accept me then tough.'

As the only things I know up in this end of the country are her and work, theres not much opportunity for me to get out and spend time away from her.

Things got about 100 times worse this weekend. While at a works do, the lad who I was sharing a room with fell asleep and locked me out. Luckily a girl I worked with was still around, and we wen't into her room where she had a spare bed. We were both pretty drunk at this stage, we talked, things got quite emotional, and as I'm sure you've guessed - the spare bed wasn't used... Doesn't help that this girl is the most attractive girl in the office, and on the surface far surpasses my girlfriend in every way both physically, mentally and emotionally. But she has also been in a long term on-off relationship for 6 years... I would never consider myself in a million years good enough for her.

Since then, I've gradually felt worse and worse, and now I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm an emotional person which doesn't help at all. I can't speak to anybody about this, as the only person I can obviously speak to, I now feel that awkward around that I can't even approach her. We've briefly texted, and she says she just sees it as a drunken emotional night that could have happened to anyone and thats it.

Five days after that night, I feel even worse still. Every day I feel worse. Today I feel like dying, I probably deserve it. I tried to speak to my girlfriend last night, telling her what all the argueing was doing to me, to us, but she took more interest in Ebay and the TV. I tried cuddling up to her on the sofa, and was told not to smother her then proceeded to shout abuse at me for over half an hour for losing the instructions for her new hair straighteners that I'd never even seen.

And thats where I am now. This morning I've done some job searches, and I just started filling a profile in on a singles directory, realised I didn't have any decent photos of me at work, so stopped and wrote this instead.

I'm an emotional person, and I just need to speak to somebody and give them a big hug, but there isn't anyone. I honestly feel like I'm dying inside.

Thanks for reading this, hopefully whatever responses I get will help me to feel better. They can't make me feel any worse.

Savvy_Sue

Well, virtual hugs will have to do.

Never mind finding a new job, find a new place to live! This girl sounds like bad news, and clearly you can't change to accept the way she is. So stop trying and get out!

Alikay

Sounds like the fling was a symptom that your relationship with your GF is near-enough over.
I think you already know you've got to break up with her, but don't go getting into another relationship first..that would just cause more complications and wouldn't be fair to the new girl.
You WILL meet someone else, but now isn't the time even though you must feel very very lonely.
Good luck and ((hugs))

EthelBloggs

*big huggs*

I think you need to get away from this woman and soon. What she's doing is bullying and it's not acceptable at all. Could you not rent a room somewhere by yourself til you can find a proper place and new job if that's what you want?

I wouldn't worry about the singles ads til you've got yourself sorted with everything else. You need some time to yourself to evaluate who and what you are and what you want from life.

Hope that helps a bit

JennyW_2

I agree with the others. Concentrate on finding somewhere new to live. This girl doesn't deserve the time of day - get out! Then you can start to concentrate on your own life and job again. Is there anychance of moving back to your home town?

Don't beat yourself up, the relationship sounds as if it died long ago.

Jo_R_2

It seems that the drunken episode is a symptom of the ongoing issues with your girlfriend. I won't lecture you - although you are in a relationship and have cheated, it is obvious how unhappy and remorseful you are. So let's deal with the main issue.

Do you envisage spending the rest of your life with a girl who so obviously makes you feel so sad, unhappy and craving of love and attention? Do you see yourself growing old gracefully, and maybe having children, or a house together? Do you feel warm and secure inside to know she is the love of your life and will be for the rest of your days?

I think we know the answer to that... Yes, the pretty girl is a distraction but she isn't the real issue. She has simply caused you to sit down and assess what is happening in your relationship. Don't look to the other girl to be your support because you will only get hurt more. You need to cut the ties. Be honest with her about how you feel. It seems you have gotten into a rut and neither of you sound happy from what you have said. Your self-esteem is plummeting and it's not doing you any good. I would get out. Cut your losses. Explain it's not working. Don't tell her about the other girl, just say how you feel or else you will continue to feel miserable and low. If you need to, stay long enough to get some cash together to get a place of your own to move into or to move back home.

I feel for you. It is crushing to be in this kind of relationship, I know from experience and in the end we had to say enough was enough. I hope you find it in you to take stock and look at things both short-term and long-term and ask yourself what is going to make you happy.

jillie1974

have to agree with other posters. you need to moveon and away from her. while you are with her it will only get worse. first thing is to get a job away from the area. maybe move back to where your friends and family are?

bunty109

(((Anarchist)))

Firstly, you aren't stupid and you're beating yourself up enough without people laying into you here. I'm sure it's something any of us could have had happen to us, especially when you obviously feel so pushed away by your OH.

It sounds to me that maybe your GF is unhappy in some way too. I can see that you have tried to talk to her and she isn't reacting well. Could you put some distance between you and perhaps go and visit freinds or family back home and see if that helps clear both of your heads?

Does she act this way with her parents and could you talk to them about how she is acting (obviously in such a way as to suggest you are worried about her)?

Please, please, please don't keep beating yourself up over this and look to turn this into the catalyst for changing the situation.

Hugs again to you.

hilstep2000

Hi there,
Don't beat yourself up about this. Drunken flings happen. This girl is probably feeling as bad as you are.
Now, the main thing is your current relationship. You are not happy, she's not happy (she can't be) and she sounds a very controlling person. You have to decide what YOU want. Don't consider anyone else.
Have you any parents or relatives that you could go and stay with? You definately need to step back from this relationship and see what is involved.
If you decide that you need to get away to a new life, then start making enquiries about jobs and accomodation in an area that you are comfortable with.
I know I sound a bit hard, but you are obviously not able to make these decisions where you are at the moment.

Keep us posted, and PM me if you want a chat.

Anarchist

Thanks for all the responses everyone

I don't know whether im happy or not though, that I've received the responses deep down I expected and was sure to be true but never ever wanted to hear.

Things aren't 'always' horrendous. When things are good, things are good and I'm happy. This never lasts for more than a day though. I'm sure its these times that I'm clinging onto, hoping that for once she won't ruin it. It is affecting the person I am, a once patient, completely understanding person who would go miles out of his way to avoid conflict - not so much anymore.

The same messages keep coming across, from here and from elsewhere. On that night, I heard the same messages "I don't know who you are, I don't think anybody does - You need to figure out who you are first."

She does keep saying 'oh its the caravan that makes me angry all the time, as soon as we get out of here I'll be better'. But I know I've heard that before. The place we rented before was never big enough and she'd be happy once we got out of there, her parents house when we met wasn't clean enough and she'd be happy once she got out of there, and so on.

Looks like its a done deal. I feel so incredibly lonely at the moment and I know moving on will make me feel more lonely (I admit I do brood on things for way too long), but I know this just won't last and I would hate to live a full life like this.

november

First although its not the same have a virtual hug.

Anarchist wrote: »

Today I feel like dying, I probably deserve it.

No you don't. I would advise though that if you need to talk to someone and you feel like that you phone the Samaritans.

Although I don't know the 2 sides of your relationship it sounds to me like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. It happens to men too you know.

No you shouldn't have slept with the other girl but there is no point in beating yourself up about it. Its done.

What you need to do is move on from where you are at which you probably know. However when everything is a pickle its difficult to know where to start. Take things one step at a time. Personally I don't think its a good idea to start putting a profile on a single's directory. Although you probably feel you need someone it is better to sort things out first for yourself before you move on to another relationship.

I am not sure exactly what you want to do. If for whatever reason your current relationship is failed you will need to end it. Do you have somewhere else you could live? As a longer term plan do you want to stay where you are living now or move back to your home area?

I feel rotten. I don't know what I'm expecting posting on here, whether its so that I can be told what I've done is stupid and I deserve to feel so bad so that I can finally come to terms with it, or whether its in a desperate attempt to accept what I've done is OK.

Hopefully lots of advice and hugs so you can see there is a way to move on and that the future may be more positive than you feel now

edited to add oops sorry - I started posting when you had no replies then my phone rang twice so my response is a little later in this thread than may make sense!