What on earth have I done, what on earth should I do :(

TOBRUK

Anarchist wrote: »

I've took the advice of people here, and booked into a b&b for the night, where I'm typing this out from my laptop. Its only been a few hours but I'm already regretting what I've done and feeling really lonely again She hasn't answered my texts, and the two bottles of wine have nearly emptied themselves. I'm sure shes probably drunk and flirting about as usual (she does have a tendancy of doing this, even right infront of me!) but in all seriousness, I'm not entirely bothered.

I've spent the last three hours trying to figure out who I really am, and have written down everything I don't like about me and how to fix it. I'm actually feeling quite good about myself now, that I'm going to come out of here a much stronger, better person. That this could have been the best thing to happen to me in a while as I've realised I don't like the person I was heading into becoming, and that I am so much more.

Thanks everyone.

Anarchist,
First of all I send a lot of bear hugs to you (sorry if I sqeeze too hard) It is only this morning that I have read your thread and I agree with everyone here who has advised you to leave her as soon as possible!

How are you feeling today after your night away in a B&B? You said that after a few hours last night you had regretted what you had done - DON'T REGRET, I am so glad that you took the step of spending a night at the B&B - Will she have a go at you for this? I expect she will, but then you are used to the abuse she thows at you on a daily basis!

You also said you felt lonely, from what I have read it seems that you are in a relationship which also makes you feel lonely! Would it be better to be on your own and feel a little lonely than lonely in an abusive relationship? You wouldn't be lonely for long - you could mix with more of your friends, go out and have a little fun with them I am sure - sounds at the moment as though you are not allowed to do this as she dictates how you live (or not live) your life!

She turned you down for a lovely meal to go out with her friends. That day you had taken her shopping - can I ask whether YOU were paying for her purchases? This is how I took it, if this is the case isn't she using you as a bank to meet her material needs?? Perhaps I could have put that a little better, but you know what I mean!

She sounds like a selfish spoilt girl who if she doesn't get her own way has a tantrum until she gets what she wants, and I don't think she can ever be happy and contented.

You deserve better, much much better! Please try to break free from her and have some time on your own - don't start another relationship straght away. Of course it will be strange and sometimes you will feel a little lonely, but you can get over this. You will have the freedom to make new friends, perhaps go out with your work colleagues from there you will also get an opportunity to meet new people. You will be able to come and go as you please, and when you feel like company you can call up one of your friends and arrange to do something.

I do wish you well, don't beat yourself up about your past fling just move on - I promise you will be able to pick yourself up and be happy away from her.

Best of luck and best wishes.
Keep us updated of your progress - there are people here who care.
x

Leilasmum

I've spent the last three hours trying to figure out who I really am, and have written down everything I don't like about me and how to fix it.

What about all things you do like about yourself and all the positive things about you? I once wrote a list of all the positive things leilasdad had going for him and he now keeps it in his wallet and looks at it every now and then, when he's feeling down.

Hope it helps

jobbingmusician

Anachrist, you are in an abusive relationship where you are being bullied. Get out! I think the night with prettiestgirlintheoffice may actually have been a GOOD thing (for you) as it helped to show you that your relationship with your partner is due to finish, so stop beating yourself up about it! (You might even consider telling prettiestgirl that it really helped you, if this is possible???)

It sounds as if all your childhood relationships were with people who abused you - had you realised this? Have you realised that until now you may be actively seeking out abusive-type people to have relationships with? That can change from now on - there are nice people out there, I promise! (And I agree you sound like a lovely thoughtful bloke - can I join the queue of surrogate mums? )

Squiggly_Diddly

Just came back to catch up with this again - I too think that you made a very positive step last night & you definitely should not regret it. In one of your other posts you said that you weren't bothered about her flirting - well, that is a very telling comment, it seems to show that you don't really have any deep down feelings for her (and she certainly not for you). It was when I wasn't bothered about things my ex did, that made me realise I wasn't going to waste my life in that situation.

5 years down the line, I'm still single (far too picky, lol!) and yes, sometimes there are lonely moments when you could do with a hug, but overall I am contented, living my life my way, spending my money how & when I want (i have a bit of a thing for shoes & bags!) - but the point I am trying to make is that you need to discover who you are again, and enjoy living your life, getting back out with your mates, etc. You're only 25 - don't still be in this situation & unhappy 20 years down the line. I think you sound lovely :-)

I thought someone (sorry can't remember who) made a great point about spreading the word that you are looking for somewhere to live - you'd be amazed what can come up when you don't expect it. The diary too is great, just keep reminding yourself what horribleness you're leaving, and that you have the rest of your life to look forwards to. ((((((hugs)))))

poe.tuesday

Anarchist - you need to ask yourself what do YOU want?

Please do not be offended by my, sometimes blunt and often simplisitc approach to things.

It seems to me that you don't actually know and that you seem to think that being in a relationship is all important - given that you joined up with another dating site etc.

if you do not want to be with your girlfriend (and I don't blame you for not) then you need to break the relationship off, fast and clean, no leaving for the night, no staying with mates, if your mind is made up that she is not the one for you then you need to make a clear break of it, don't drag it out, don't do any of this trial seperation stuff, break it off and make a clean break so you can get on with your life, I know it's going to be hard, I know the safety of being with her and living with her will be hard to cope with but staying is just the short term easily option, but in reality it's shallow and not being honest with yourself and/or her, it is not IMO the way to live.

You earn enough to be able to get a place to rent, I would suggest that you get a house share where you can meet other people, you are young and obviously need people around you, what are you into? by your user name I would think that there are plenty of places you can meet like minded people, I certainly know one website community you may well like. (pm me for in you are interested)

I think your self esteem has never been high and having people around you, like your girlfriend only bashes it even more, just the way you said that you never thought you would ever get a girl like the pretty girl in the office says loads to me, don't ever think you are not good enough because you are, we are all equal in this world

Now I know it's always easier said than done and yes, it's easy for the likes of me who are not in your situation or feel the way you do to just tell you to get on with it, but you really need to take this move as a positive move in changing your life, you seem to have had an abusive person, be it your father or your girlfriend for the majority of your life, are you going to allow this to continue?

It is your choice, not theirs, you need to change, you need to want to change and you need to decide what you want from life and then, when you know this, you go out and you get what you want.

stop being a people pleaser
stop saying "Yes, but.... "
stop thinking of what if....
stop and change your life to what you want
never have any regrets because you can't change the past
just learn from your lifes experieinces and grow in strength from them
try to be as unconditional as you can and finally

If you want to be happy, only you can do this, it's your choice

take care and keep smiling

quietheart

I bet your GF is in shock that you went and stayed at a B&B....
My advice is to go to your GP asap, get counselling for the history of abuse from your father and when you've been through that you might be ready for a proper, healthy relationship.
You sound like such a nice person but you're destroying yourself by allowing her to treat you like a doormat. You deserve better and you know that. You are so young I'm just glad you're realising now you need to do something rathre than in 20 years time.
There are happy times ahead!

STORM_2

Dear A,

You should try going to Relate, they are a counselling organisation that deals with relationships and you can actually go on your own. They will probably help you understand why you are in this type of relationship/s and therefore make some changes in your life, if you choose so.

Im sorry, but a relationship is supposed to be positive and be a team effort. This relationship does not sound either.

Re : Internet Dating - I understand your need to want to find another GF, but you need to love yourself first and understand what defines you as a person. Your likes, dislikes and talents.

You and this GF dont appear to sharing the same pathway anymore, you have alot to think about and even more to do, thats if you want to live the rest of your life without regret.

take care

Anarchist

Hi All,

I know its been a while, but I had to come back to this. I eventually (after several months) managed to split with my fiance who I'd been with nearly 5 years now, just on Tuesday. Its probably the most difficult, hurtful thing I've ever done and I'm still pretty much in shreds over the whole thing.

I managed to save up enough to move out into a nice (but small) house, rented, but then as I was starting to look etc, we had a couple of disasters. First my fiances dad went into hospital (which turned out to be brain cancer), and her nan went into hospital as well (which heart problems). Her nan died a couple of weeks later, her dad has survived but is now nearly vegetablised. During and after this happening we started to really get on again, it bought us much closer.

So, thinking perhaps things had changed, we both moved out into the house that I'd found, her not realising how close it had come to ending.

But then after being in a couple of weeks, things went back to 'normal', with her acting like she did before. Then she started spending hours messaging away some guy she worked with on the computer and via text, she swore blind he was just a mate though and refused to calm it down when I'd asked her several times (she would be at it all night and practically wouldnt speak to me).

So, on Tuesday, I told her to pack her bags. Which she did without any problems. She wasn't (and still isn't) upset or sad in the slightest, like somebody has removed her emotions. I went round to try sort our loose ends out on Thursday, and she just locked the door then stood laughing and shouting abuse at me through the window and threatened to call the police, her mum and her brother. While I just stood there calmly asking to talk to her. She refused to answer my calls, reply to my texts, and she took every penny I own with her as well (about £2k that was to pay some of my debts off) as well as a few other things of mine, my Ipod and phone etc.

Anyway, went round last night with a car load of her stuff she had left, and took her ill dad some chips etc. She was a little more mature, although she did make a few comments like 'yeh my ex the gangster would do anything for me even now, and he'd kill you if I told him to just for kicks'. Anyway, I eventually managed to leave it in a civil way last night and even got a hug goodbye.

So, thats where I am. I'm really not coping very well, I've not been eating or doing any of the housework (I'm rubbish with that sort of thing, I've not even figured out the washing machine) and I've not been up to grocery shopping as she took all the food. I've got one or two friends that have been trying to keep me company but I can't rely on them all the time.

I know its for the best, and I know the pain will go away eventually, but for now I feel like I'm dying inside.

Apologies for length, thanks for reading.

Sola

Just read through the thread and am sending you a hug.

Okay, first things first - have you got enough money for basics like milk and bread? I know you don't feel like eating now but you need something to keep you going even if it's only choking down some toast and tea.

I presume you're due into work tomorrow; it might be worth letting your boss know what's going on. When something like this happens, it can be pretty much impossible to carry on as normal.

What are your plans for Christmas? Will you go to visit family? It's important that you're not alone.

Is your place secure? Can she get back in to take anything else? I think you're finally well shot of her, but it'll be a tough transition. Just be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Hoping you feel stronger soon.

Finally, she's behaved like a right cow, but I can't help feeling some sneaking sympathy for the latest because of her family illnesses. It's NOT your responsibilty to sort her out now, it doesn't absolve her for the way she's behaved towards you, and I'd actually advise that you stay away from her. I'm just saying don't let her tug on your heart strings if she asks you for support - direct her to her friends or someone more appropriate.

Anarchist

Thanks for the reply Sola, I appreciate it.

I've got enough money for basics, I just got paid yesterday so should be OK (although I will struggle to pay all my bills if I dont get the cash back to pay some of my debts off).

My friend has been absolutely great to me, couldn't thank her enough for all the help shes given, I've been able to talk to her about everything which is something I usually find really difficult and could only ever do with my ex. She's been looking after me with getting me to eat etc, but when shes not here I just don't feel like it.

I am in work tomorrow, I had a day off after it happened on Wednesday, but was in the rest of the week. A mate at work said the boss noticed it was a pretty poor week from me, so I'm going to have to speak to him. Hopefully as its winding down to xmas it won't be too difficult at work and things should be able to return to more like normal after we get back.

Christmas, I have no plans. I could visit family but I've never ever been close to family or been able to speak to them. I do have a mate that sometimes struggles for things to do at christmas (since his mum died) so will probably try calling him to arrange something. Else, dunno yet.

My place is fairly secure, she does have a key but there is a burgler alarm and my neighbour has been asked to call me if she is seen there (I work 10 minutes away from home). I'm definately rid of her, but I still have some of her stuff in my home that I need to clear out.

I do have sympathy for her, when I went round last night she was spoon feeding her dad, nobody should have to do that especially not at that age. I'm bound to still have emotions for her, we've been with each other every day for the last five years and I for one grew very very attached to her, despite what happened. I'd love to be able to stay away from her but I still feel like I owe her something after all that time - in all honesty she did look after me well with food and domestics, and I still really appreciate that.

But, shes not asking me for any support. She seems to have no emotion whatsoever, at all. I don't understand it...