What on earth have I done, what on earth should I do :(

angel_eyes_3

SSB wrote: »

Hi
Keeping a diary can be extremely helpful in this situation. Write down your daily life, especially the time with your GF and most importantly write down how you FEEL! If you decide to end this relationship, the diary will be a good way to remind you about the reasons.
There are times when you will think, why did I leave? Reading the diary will then bring it all back to you, it will remind you of all the rows, lack of warmth etc... Good luck to you what ever you decide.

This is a good idea, however I wouldn't write anything about the fling in it. Your girlfreind sounds as though she may be the sort of person to read personal papers if found, and then use it to make you feel guilty.

Hope I'm wrong on this and all the best for the future. x

SSB

Oh yes, forgot to say... hide the diary well!

Psykicpup

where in the country are you -you have had a couple of offers of help & I'm adding mine if you are local....
You need to get out of this abusive atmosphere & as quickly as poss IMHO

Beamish

Oh Sweetheart if I could adopt you I would, you seem such a caring young lad, I wish I was your Mum and give you big hugs and point you in the right direction.

My advice as a surrogate Mum is set yourself some goals, think what you want in life and start the ball rolling (in easy steps), rethink your relationship with GF, ask yourself is this the way you want to live, if not leave and start a new life, you say you might be lonley! but bare in mind that there are many lonley people in this world who would appreciate your friendship and help.

To take this a step further, you succumbed to loneliness, a need to be loved and to love in return (even if it was only for one night), think of this as a learning curve, you experienced feelings, they opened your eyes to the future, please believe the feelings you felt that one night will one day happen every day when you find your true love, keep looking, she is out there somewhere.

Good luck with the rest of your life sweetheart

Babs xx

Beamish

Oh Sweetheart if I could adopt you I would, you seem such a caring young lad, I wish I was your Mum and give you big hugs and point you in the right direction.

My advice as a surrogate Mum is set yourself some goals, think what you want in life and start the ball rolling (in easy steps), rethink your relationship with GF, ask yourself is this the way you want to live, if not leave and start a new life, you say you might be lonley! but bare in mind that there are many lonley people in this world who would appreciate your friendship and help.

To take this a step further, you succumbed to loneliness, a need to be loved and to love in return (even if it was only for one night), think of this as a learning curve, you experienced feelings, they opened your eyes to the future, please believe the feelings you felt that one night will one day happen every day when you find your true love, keep looking, she is out there somewhere.

Good luck with the rest of your life sweetheart

Babs xx

Anarchist

Thanks for all the advice everyone, just giving a quick update! I think I'm actually really coming to terms with what happened last weekend, and I'm not really beating myself up over it anymore. Its done, I'm (nearly!) over it, but I still feel pretty bad. At least I'm eating OK again.

I like the idea of keeping a diary. It is something I've thought about before, mainly because I don't have a great memory and it will help me remember why I'm making some of the decisions I have to make now.

PS, I'm 25 and now from Lancashire.

I had a discussion on Thursday with her about how I feel, that I dont feel respected, and tried to tell her how it really isn't fair for me to be her verbal punchbag for every tiny little problem in her life. It seemed pretty one way to be honest - but I don't know whether that was because she was feeling guilty about it.

Things were good until today, as her night out with friends was cancelled due to a couple of them coming down ill, I booked us a nice three course meal at a posh french restaurant as we never seem to go out together anymore. Then she abandoned me when her other friends asked her out an hour later! This doesn't really bother me, but when she starts shouting again because shes late meeting up with them (my fault, not quite sure how despite me taking her shopping all day and trying really hard to keep her happy!) things hit the roof.

I've took the advice of people here, and booked into a b&b for the night, where I'm typing this out from my laptop. Its only been a few hours but I'm already regretting what I've done and feeling really lonely again She hasn't answered my texts, and the two bottles of wine have nearly emptied themselves. I'm sure shes probably drunk and flirting about as usual (she does have a tendancy of doing this, even right infront of me!) but in all seriousness, I'm not entirely bothered.

I've spent the last three hours trying to figure out who I really am, and have written down everything I don't like about me and how to fix it. I'm actually feeling quite good about myself now, that I'm going to come out of here a much stronger, better person. That this could have been the best thing to happen to me in a while as I've realised I don't like the person I was heading into becoming, and that I am so much more.

Thanks everyone.

Bettyboop

Anarchrist, I feel as you do and the best thing to do is get away. As I said in an earlier response to your thread I lived this way for a few years. And even though I'm away from him now I still cry which is silly. You sound like such a gentleman. I would have fainted if my husband had ever booked to take me to a nice French Restaurant! He's never been that thoughtful but what I am trying to get across is that you are a caring and thoughtful guy. You WILL find someone else who is just as caring and kind. There is only so much verbal abuse one can tolerate. I feel very sad for you but I hope you do the right thing. Thinking of you. Cheers.

bunty109

All the best Anarchist! You are sounding so much more positive! x

gundo

I know that this is far easier said than done but you need to move on. It sounds from what you've said that you're in quite an abusive relationship and you're being bullied.

Yes there will be lonely times ahead but you will eventually get through this situation and realise that you've done the right thing.

IMHO if you stay you will be miserable and eventually break-up anyway but with much more acrimony and probably when she decides she's bored with bullying you. Better to leave when you want to and can make preparations, find somewhere to live, collect your stuff etc.

As regards the fling, it's just one of those things and symptomatic of how you feel. If you were madly in love with your current partner I doubt you would have strayed. Unfortunately those kind of events tend to eventually become public knowledge. I suspect your partner would then use this as a perfect excuse to treat you badly for as long as she likes.

Time to move on. Not a nice thing to happen but keep your chin up and look forward to a future where you don't go home from work to be the target of rants/aggression and scorn.

I sincerely wish you all the best.

sarymclary

Anarchist,
consider booking into the B+B last night as the first positive step you've made at making a change in your life for the better. It will take baby steps like this, but each one will be a step in the right direction.

Mr Sary was in a relationship like your's for 10 years, and had quite a few flings during this time desperately seeking love and affection, but never quite feeling he could leave the person he was with (for reasons of guilt, hoping things would get better, wishing she would love him in return, and because they had a child together). Eventually it was is ex who left, leaving him and 3 kids (2 not his,but her's from a previous marriage), she'd met someone else at work and decided she wanted to live a single life again. My ex didn't know what to do, he had to give up his well-paid job to care for a young family, reduced to living on benefits, lost his car and gained lots of debt. We met a year after this happened, by pure accident in a supermarket carpark - no,I wasn't aiming my car at random good-looking men!

We've been together 4 years now, it's been a difficult journey because he had a lot of emotional baggage (haulage) to work through. He had no idea how scarred he was by this abusive relationship. He had trust issues, due to her flirting, needing constant reaffirmation of his love, but then pushing him away and being nasty in return (but obviously getting off on the fix of his attention, affection and declarations of loving her).

We, by contrast, a balanced, respectful relationship, full of love and affection, which he says he's been looking for all his life (we're in our 40's, so it's taken a while). Last week he was discussing how he felt about us (it was our anniversary), and he said he'd sometimes like to go back and attempt to relive a week with his ex just to realise how bad it was, because he knows how good things are now.

As for his ex, well she remarried, into her 2nd abusive marriage, where they both knock each other about. The police get involved, it has screwed up her 3 children; the eldest became the local 'bike', the 2nd has mental health issues and currently believes he lives in the 1800's as a recluse, and the youngest who is still with my OH, but has serious emotional issues, which will be with him for life. She buys his love, then drops him like a stone in preference to a night in the pub. MY OH now realises that the relationship was unhappy and failing as a direct result of her behaviour, and that all her relationships have been like this. For years he blamed himself for not being loving enough, or lovable enough, but it is the ex who is damaged and plays the victim of her life all the time, whilst punishing everyone around her for it.

You need to regain your self-identity, focus on your career, and establishing some kind of social network for yourself. Don't go looking for love, you can be supported and loved by friends in the meantime, and love will eventually find you anyway. See the interim period as a means of finding out who you are, what you really want from life and your relationships, then the next time someone shows you a bit of attention romantically you can make a balanced decision about whether you feel this person is going to be right for you.

Lastly, your ego should be skyhigh if the prettiest girl at work wanted to spend a night with you, regardless of alcohol being involved. Yes, she's not available and doesn't want to take things any further, and quite frankly, would you want to have a relationship with someone who is pretty on the outside but a lying cheat on the inside? It's the whole package that's important, and there are attractive, good honest people out there.

Good luck with your journey. I can't promise it'll be easy, but it will be educational, you'll come out of it stronger and wiser, and have tonnes of self-respect as a result. :T