What on earth have I done, what on earth should I do :(

welshcakes

Hi Anarchist

Even as someone who believes 100% in being faithful, I read all the posts and have to agree with everyone. The only thing mistake you've made is getting it the wrong way round in no breaking your relationship (which on the surface of it seems to be extremely unhealthy and negative) before indulging.

It's very hard to find the grounds for sayng you have been unfaithful (though it should be obvious) as there doesn't really seem to be a relationship in terms of physical, emotional or intellectual so if there is such a thing as degrees of disloyalty, I think yours has beena pretty low catergory one...and I can't think that it's ruined your chances of working things out as chances were pretty much zero before the incident.

We all need to be shown love, comfort, respect and worth; the absolute place where you should be able to count on getting all four of these things is in a partnership. By definition, I would say you don't have a partner.

Do things right. Work out what you want and what is manageable. If this means coming 'home' to familiar territory then this is probably a good place for you to be. Once you have made your decision, give respect for anyone it might affect and let them know (this includes your 'patner', employer and of course your own family).

Then ... do it! Too often, we fantasise about making our lives better but always find an excuse to stay put even though it's making us miserable. Don't be afraid of progressing in your life

Anarchist

I don't have anywhere else to go, and as my car has just blown up with a £2000 repair bill I don't have any money to put down on a deposit for rented accomodation. I don't have any family that I can stay with or friends that could be longer than a night on the sofa.

I was also emotionally abused by my dad throughout my entire childhood, up until he was sent to prison for the worst crime you could probably imagine. Its this that makes me wonder if its just me overreacting at whats happening to me now.

I'm at work at the moment, but considering going home 'ill' as I'm just not being productive at all.

pinkshoes

I've been in almost an identical situation to you, although instead of the drunken fling i developed feelings for another guy, although nothing happened between me and him.

Instead of just walking away, i issued my boyfriend with an ultimatum, that if he didn't start treating me with some respect, and showing me love and affection like a boyfriend ought to, then I'd had enough and was leaving him. We spent a month apart, then he decided I was worth the effort, so things have been better than ever and we've just bought a flat together now! it was a combination of alot of things that made him behave in that way, and he had no idea how much he was taking it out on me!

Maybe give her a chance to explain her behaviour first, and a chance to prove herself, and if nothing chances, then leaving her would be a good idea!

Anarchist

Believe me, I also believe 100% in being faithful. Just that night I stopped my colleague (who has a history for this sort of thing) cheating on his girlfriend with a resident slapper as I'm so incredibly against that sort of thing.

I never in a million years wanted, or expected anything to happen that night especially with someone I consider so far above me, and now I know how it feels. Believe me, if I could do anything to go back and stop it from happening I would.

Squiggly_Diddly

Hi A,

Hugs from me too... I also agree with what everyone says. It sounds cliched, but life really is too short and is 1 occasional day of things being ok every now & then really how you want to live your life?? You need some time to just be 'you' for a while, and eventually you will find someone who will cherish you & love you for the person you are. Someone who you can laugh with along the way. Isn't the whole point of being with a partner because you love & care for each other?? Not to be with someone who treats you in such a horrible way.

Practicalities - is the car worth the £2000 repair bill? If not, then can you buy an old banger instead, leaving you with the money for a rental deposit?
I don't know if it's worth a try but some local councils run a "deposit guarantee scheme" - perhaps you could contact the local housing department & see if they do anything similar or if they could give you some constructive advice on how you can get out (or suggest another organisation that could help). What about Shelter? (https://www.shelter.org.uk) Is there any information on their site to help you?

Do you want to stay in the area you have moved to or would it be better if you moved back to your home city? Do you have more contacts there & people who could help you out? Do you need to change job - if overall you are happy there & it pays well otherwise, then don't deal with that at the moment. Concentrate on one thing at a time. It sounds as though that is definitely to get out of the situation you are in - don't be emotionally bullied or blackmailed into staying with the promise that things will change - from what you have said, this is unlikely.

And keep coming back here for support, there are lots of wonderful people who will give you just that.

Bettyboop

I can honestly say I know how you feel. Only it's me suffering with the verbal abuse etc from my husband (whom I am now seperated from). Given how things are I don't see you staying together. Sorry for the negative thought but your life and happiness is paramount. I stayed, got married, had one little girl and 4 years later we can't even sort our issues out. He also had an affair to top it all off. Pick yourself up however hard it is. You sound very affectionate and considerate of your girlfriend.....not many guys are like that these days. Wishing you all the best.

Anarchist

And keep coming back here for support, there are lots of wonderful people who will give you just that.

Crumbs, that bought a tear to my eye, and caused a couple of people in the office to look at me oddly.

Yes she is like that with her parents as well. Sometimes worse. She just says what she wants to and doesnt care if its going to upset somebody or not. I've briefly spoken to her parents (although its slightly uncomfortable speaking to your partners parents about her issues) but they give the impression she has been like that for a while. She also has a mild drink problem but thats another issue.

I'm fairly happy at work. I think I have been underperforming a little (by my own standards, not my employers - they're currently more than happy with me). I think this is due to lack of concentration through being unhappy a lot of the time, and the obvious awkwardness issue now with dealing with a particular member of staff - we're just about getting by whenever we have to talk but I'm sure to others we will look as awkward as we feel. She seems to be managing a little better than me, but then I know things can always be so much different on the inside.

I think I'll be OK staying on at work, rather than going back 'home' (150 miles away) and finding another job, I admit that I may just have been slightly over reacting on that one.

Anarchist

Bettyboop wrote: »

I can honestly say I know how you feel. Only it's me suffering with the verbal abuse etc from my husband (whom I am now seperated from). Given how things are I don't see you staying together. Sorry for the negative thought but your life and happiness is paramount. I stayed, got married, had one little girl and 4 years later we can't even sort our issues out. He also had an affair to top it all off. Pick yourself up however hard it is. You sound very affectionate and considerate of your girlfriend.....not many guys are like that these days. Wishing you all the best.

I wish I had the time to reply to everybody individually, your help is making me feel much better about myself.

Your situation is what is in the back of my mind, that I definately don't want to see myself in. I can't begin to imagine how much more difficult it was for you being so tied into it.

One thing I definately am is affectionate, given half a chance I'll just spend all day cuddling up to somebody, and I just don't get to do that anymore! I always try to see the best in her, even now, when everybody is shouting the obvious at me, I still feel like standing up and defending her. I don't think its my place to do that any more.

Bun

Hope you are feeling a little better. If you don't have a deposit, have you considered a very cheap b and b temporarily. It will get you out of your relationship, however briefly, and that alone should help your confidence. Have you had any counselling for your childhood traumas? This may help you to understand why you have continued the relationship you have and develop the confidence to move on/continue your relationship on more even terms. I can only presume that she wasn't a bully when you only knew each other online? Don't try to change everything at once, just the bits that get you down the most.
Good luck, and hugs.

Anarchist

I just have to say I can't get over how much better I feel now. I still feel really really bad though, but now I know that its not myself I should be beating up over this (not literally).

Perhaps now I'll be able to actually eat my first proper meal in 6 days.

Thanks again everyone.