What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

pleasedelete

One of my friends (who is a head) but at the time was a new teacher married her childhood sweetheart at 22. By 25 she hadn't conceived (they wanted children). She went through ivf for 2 years. He worked long hours away to fund it all. 8 months pregnant. Christmas eve he just never came home.

Turns out he had had another woman for a year (while doing ivf). She never wanted to be a single parent. She never intended to be a single parent.

She did have family who were great. Her child is fabulous. She never stopped working (after maternity) and became a head teacher.

Sometimes you can't overplan as you don know what will happen. Even if you wait until you find the perfect partner it may not be happy endings.

babymad_2

Thank you. Trying to get pregnant and being unable to would be extremely upsetting for me but the alternative (not to try at all) would bring with it the same misery but without the knowledge that I had at least tried.

We'll see.

raven83

Rochdale_Guy wrote: »

Are you saying I'm a

.....W

That was the most obvious one, but there were others too...:rotfl:

Gillyx

I don't disprove actually, I know plenty of people who were brought up by a single parent be it a mother or a father and they have turned out just fine.

I'm speaking slightly from experience with my questions, I had a child in January, I have a partner, unfortunately at this moment in time, I am living in a different country from all my friends and family. It has been the most difficult situation I have ever faced, and do I believe I could be a better parent if I had more support, yes I do. My partner works, all different shifts and his family don't live near by. I find it extremely difficult to cope with everything on my own a lot of the time and I don't work. If I could plan it differently I would have. I get on with it and yes my son is the best thing that's ever happened to me but if I knew then what I know now, my decisions could all have been different.

I think in a situation where you don't have a partner and/or family, you do have to think about different scenarios, a lot more in depth. I know if something happened to me tomorrow, I have my OH, his family, my family, and friends on both sides.

I'm not saying, don't go for it, if it's truly what you want then, by all means. I just know from reading the Newborn Threads etc on here and how I felt myself, even a child that is wanted badly, not all women get that "special bond" at the start, babies are all consuming and I truly felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life in the beginning, which through lack of sleep and sheer exhaustion it's not surprising really. Thankfully I had my OH to lean on, I seriously don't know what I would have done without him.

Fair enough if I'd have been on my own I would have had to have coped, but I'm not sure how well I would have done. But please don't think I disapprove.

CH27

I don't disapprove. You asked for opinions & I gave you some food for thought.
As I said earlier being a parent is never easy & you do need support from somewhere.

GobbledyGook

Even if SS don't agree about the support network then the questions about illness and the likes are still relevant (perhaps more so) to having a child of your own.

If you have a support network who can step in when you can leave the bathroom then you definitely shouldn't rule it out. Your child would be in a better place than my brother and I were as young children with parents who didn't want and didn't/couldn't care for us. We had people to step in when it was needed - if you have someone who could do that then go for it imo.

If you don't have someone who could step in if needed then I, personally, wouldn't, but that's just me.

Tiddlywinks

My reason for not thinking it's a good idea at the moment?

Well, I would not want to be the child of a single mum, with no grandparents to spoil me and give me their love, without any aunts and uncles who I could turn to if I had a falling out with my single parent; plus, as I wouldn't have any siblings (unless they are also planned with military precision), I would not want to grow up without cousins to play and share holidays with.

Finally, as a child of a lone parent with absolutely no extended family, I would not want to have to face the loss of that parent futher down the line without any family to support me with that loss.

You are choosing to place a child in this position. If you were part of a couple, then there would likely be some extended family to provide the child with future emotional support and continuing love.

Yes, there will be friends but they can never substitute fully for the family connection IMO.

Janey7

I think that it is reasonable to mention potential miscarriage as something to consider - seeing as some people at high risk of miscarriage or with tragic personal histories may quite understandably come to the decision that they don't want to risk the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages. It's of course something that only you can make the final decision on, but as you're debating whether to have a child it's good to have a think about whether you feel in a place where you could cope with this.

Also (and I genuinely do not intend to seem nasty or disrespectful here), we none of us will fully understand what other people are going through in their lives, and I don't think it's fair to imply that tragic experiences such as miscarriage in someone's life are somehow less of a 'worst' nightmare than those in others.

*zippy*

Babymad I would have thought working with a school full off teenagers would be enough to turn you off the idea I have two teenagers, which is more than enough

I have to say I've changed my mind while following your thread today, you clearly have put a lot of thought into your decision, it's a pity more don't do that, you are financially stable and can build your own support network. Good luck whatever you decide x

azzabazza

My view is that you are an educated, caring professional who is comfortably well off. Your job as a Depute Head will ensure you can have a decent spell of maternity leave. You could probably afford to have someone look after the baby at home and thereafter once a toddler he/she could go to nursery to interact socially with other children and adults.

Friends - speak to them. Ask if they will provide support should you require it, ie if you are ill. I once looked after my best friend's children for a fortnight whilst she had a hysterectomy - she had no family close at hand who could assist and she was a single mother. You will never need to worry about school holidays.

I think you are over analyzing things and I think this is perhaps the wrong place to ask for advice. Speak to your friends and gauge their views as they know you much better than people on an internet forum.

You mention your neighbours who are probably retired. They would maybe love to be 'adopted' grandparents! I know if I lived near you I would be happy to fulfil that role. In fact my neighbours are due their first child within the next few weeks and I have already offered to be on hand to ease the load as both sets of their parents live abroad. They have already said it will be lovely to have an extra 'granny' next door.

I too am due to become a granny and my son and daughter in law live abroad. I am in the fortunate position that I will be able to visit quite regularly but they will have to rely quite heavily on friends for their every day babysitting and my daughter in law has lost both her parents.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble but basically I am saying go for it before it is too late. xxxx