What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

babymad_2

Hey, I'm in my mid thirties, single and I can't see this changing at any point, unfortunately.

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with recently mentioned the fact that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I'm seriously starting to consider for myself. It isn't my first choice but if the choice is never having a child vs having a child alone I know the second choice wins hands-down; I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

zaksmum

babymad wrote: »

Hey, I'm in my mid thirties, single and I can't see this changing at any point, unfortunately.

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with recently mentioned the fact that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I'm seriously starting to consider for myself. It isn't my first choice but if the choice is never having a child vs having a child alone I know the second choice wins hands-down; I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

If you can't reduce your hours at work, how would you cope with a baby?

sassyblue

I wouldn't advise against it as l know the joy children bring, however l also know the downright hard work and stress they bring too and it would've easier to be in a good relationship with someone to share it all with. However, l know it doesn't always happen like that and a few of my friends are singe parents and are more than happy - and say its easier - to be on their own!

In the meantime my advice would be probably what you know and have done already.... Join clubs and make lots of friends, you could meet someone and settle down really quickly.

It's around £6k for a round of IVF and you'll pay extra for the sperm, not sure how much the going rate for sperm is though... . Don't imagine IVF is the answer, your chances in every cycle are around 25% and it can be gruelling mentally and physically.

Zaksmum also raises an important issue, how will you cope workwise when anything goes wrong at home? You're governed by sods law I've discovered.... If you don't need it to go wrong it will, baby will be ill and it only takes a minor thing to knock your best laid plans completely out of kilter, adding much stress.

I'm just in the process of giving up full time work as l can't keep up with everything, but that's me... Others manage it but youre always rushing and on the go.

Xx

1940sGal

You're single and you say you can't reduce your hours at work. Would you definitely have someone to look after the child when you return to work? If not have you considered the extra cost of child care?

Alikay

Have you thought about upping your attempt to find a partner first? Single motherhood isn't something most women would actively choose, and you'd be choosing to bring a child into the world who would already be disadvantaged by not having a daddy, plus the inevitable practical and financial problems single parenthood brings.

Have you tried internet dating, dating agencies, joining various clubs and groups and making sure all your family and friends know you're up for meeting someone if they fancy fixing you up with someone nice?

vixarooni

On the positive side you are only mid thirties, my mum had me at 40 so there is still time to meet someone.

If i were you i would probably do a bit of life re evaluating. I would do lots of things to see what i enjoy and do them because i enjoy them, then if you meet someone else that is just a really good bonus. I always think that love is something that finds you, so concentrate on yourself and what you like doing, relax and enjoy life instead of worrying about something you have a limited control over. Babies and that man will enter your life when they are meant to

kingfisherblue

I'm a single mum, and it isn't through choice. I had my children when I was married, my first at 22, second at 29 and third at 30. When the youngest was five, my (now ex) husband decided to move on and start a new family elsewhere - we had been together since I was 17.

One of my children has severe disabilities. He has Down's syndrome with a number of medical complications. In your mid thirties, the chances of having a child with DS increases, and continues to increase the older you get. It isn't easy having a child with disabilities, and even though I get support from my older child and my mum, as well as my ex's parents, it is still hard work. So, although you may not like to think about it, would you cope if your child had additional needs? Even if you tested for DS and aborted if the test was positive, disabilities can develop.

I've been alone now for more than seven years, and i think I cope reasonably well. However, I don't work, except for a bit of voluntary work that fits around my children's needs. As you will continue to work long hours, how will you cope with motherhood? What support do you have? What will you do if your child is ill? Will childcare during school holidays be a problem?

Having children is the best thing that ever happened to me. When my eldest was born, I reduced my hours to part time (24 a week, from 40), because my parents could look after my daughter one day, my in lawws a second day, and my then husband on Saturdays. We didn't claim any benefits, even though we were both in low paid jobs - I don't even know if there was anything we could have claimed, it just didn't enter our minds. We coped on a lower income because we wanted to have our baby.

What will you tell your child abnout their conception? Can you afford IVF without going into debt? How will you cope emotionally if it fails? could you afford a second or even third attempt - money wise and emotionally - without support?

So, although I can see where you are coming from, and I would never say don't have a child, I would make sure that I had thought everything through. Finances, childcare, possible disability (it was a shock to us, but we coped - me better than him, as he still struggles with the idea sometimes). It isn't an easy decision to make, so plenty of research is needed before you decide what to do.

You could, of course, look at another alternative. You work full time, but maybe you could be a foster carer. In my area, we are desperate for people, including single people, who would become a respite foster carer for disabled children. This means having a disabled child for one or two weekends a month, and possibly a couple of overnight stays during school holidays. There tends to be a good relationship with the families that you support, you get paid, and you get the chance to make a real difference to the lives of not just a disabled child, but their whole family as well. I don't have a respite foster carer - it isn't something that I want or need - but I know families who have benefited from this arrangement. One girl that I know used to go to her foster carer once a week after school, as well as every Saturday.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

jackyann

If you are serious about adoption, you need to investigate properly, it needs the careful consideration given above.
I know successful adoptions by single, working parents, but they all had very good extended family back up.

marisco_2

My advice would be to concentrate on socialising as much as you can. Get out there and mix and you may meet someone who you could settle down with.

I dont wnat to write this and seem as if I have no understanding of your longing for a child. However I would strongly recommend against becoming a parent on your own. I am a lone parent now after going through a very messy divorce. I love my children beyond words but this is not how I would choose to raise them. It is extremely hard work bringing up a child by yourself.

Take your time and dont rush into something that would be a huge commitment.

babymad_2

Many thanks for your replies.

How would I cope with a baby without reducing my hours at work - Well, the same as every working parent I assume, with nursery, a childminder or equivalent. Unfortunately, adoption agencies are reluctant to place a child with somebody who is reliant on full time childcare. I can understand this, but it does limit my options considerably. (I also don't have family support which is another black mark against my name adoption-wise.)

I have tried to find a partner, but unsuccessfully (evidently!) I have tried to get involved with things socially, Internet dating and the like, but sadly it seems the older I get the more likely it is that any man I meet who I like is already married or in a serious relationship. I understand "left on the shelf" in a way I didn't when I was perhaps 25 or even 30

Financially is one of the few areas that wouldn't present a problem: I am lucky enough to have a very well-paid job and I also have a considerable amount in savings and investments.

I would always tell a child the complete truth about their conception.

I think I've answered everything. There is certainly a lot to think about but I know in my heart of hearts if I never get to be a mother I'll never feel truly happy. Whether or not I decide to go ahead with being a parent is still uncertain but I can't help but feel it is preferable to have a child this way than to be in an unhappy relationship and put a child through a messy divorce.

balletshoes

Can you have a baby and raise that child while still working full time? Absolutely you can.

However, as well as childcare provision, you do need to consider what will happen if your child is unwell. Will your company be happy to authorise absence over and above your annual leave quota if you have to be off work at very short notice? I've been very lucky (touch a lot of wood) in that my daughter hasn't had a lot of illness through her young years, but its a struggle just covering school holidays/inset days each year. In fact, I've struggled more to fit all this in since she started school. In nursery it was easier, as the nursery day fit in better with working parents. I have family help and support with the main school holidays, where I guess you would use childcare?