What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

annie_d

I just saw you were a deputy head!!! Definitely go for it, you are hardly at work!!! I can say this because my husband is one too.

babymad_2

Gobbedly - yes, I looked into adopting an older child but it's something of a no go since the majority of older children up for adoption have some form of additional need requiring more intensive parenting than most children, so working full time and without family support is not possible.

As the child's sole carer, in my hypothetical situation, my best friend is married with one son. I am her child's designated godparent and would bring her child up should something happen to her and her husband - she would do the same for me. Since I lost my parents young it is of course something I have thought about, but not something I plan for, if you appreciate what I mean.

However it would appear it is largely hypothetical in any case as it would seem the answer is for the most part - don't go there.

pleasedelete

annie_d wrote: »

I just saw you were a deputy head!!! Definitely go for it, you are hardly at work!!! I can say this because my husband is one too.

That is probably why he is not a head!

annie_d

Hahaha at 37 he is on track. Don't you worry.

janninew

I think some are being a little harsh with the OP. She has a responsible job, is thinking and planning ahead and there is no reason at all that she shouldn't be a parent. Why should she not get to have a child just because she has no family? I agree in an ideal world all kids will have 2 parents, lots of grannies and grandads, aunts, uncles etc.. but we don't live in an ideal world.

There is lots for the OP to think about of course, but she is being sensible and not rushing into the decision.

I am the P/A for a Deputy Head and he has 4 children (his wife is a Head) and on Open Evenings, Parents Evenings etc I have been known to watch the kids if they are struggling to find a sitter! There are always ways to solve problems and at least you have the full school holidays to spend with the child, many parents don't have that luxury.

Good luck what ever you decide.

janninew

pleasedelete wrote: »

That is probably why he is not a head!

Very true! Our Head and 2 Deputies attend every after school event, Saturday morning sports events etc! All at school at 7.00am and there until gone 5.30pm, they are all very busy men and certainly always at school for some reason or other!!

balletshoes

babymad wrote: »

So - to be clear here - it isn't the lack of a father per se, it is the fact that I have no other family to help support the child?

I don't deny that I am in a sense putting my needs over a child's, but I am not doing so with the expectation that the child will grow chained and cowering in a cellar On the contrary, they will have a lovely home, a very devoted parent and a network of supportive friends.

It does contrast rather sharply with someone planning a baby in a traditional set-up (even if that set-up then subsequently breaks down) - no one (to my knowledge!) decides to offer their eggs a good home! We all have children because we want them - I can't see that I'm being spectacularly selfish in admitting that. And, had I been truly selfish, I would have done this years and years ago as I have felt a real burning desire to be a parent since I was about 27 (I am now 34.)

I am prepared to listen to all possible sides of the argument but I am finding a couple of the more personal responses a little hard to take, when you bear in mind I have asked about the possibility of and have not stated this as an established fact.
It would appear, going from the responses, that the answer is 'forget it, because it's hard, expensive and unfair on the child.' Since adoption isn't an option, it looks as if parenthood is not for me.

Thank you for your responses to my thread.

only you can make the decision. Having a child is hard and expensive, regardless of what your family set-up is. Personally, I was with my now-husband when we decided we wanted a child, but we weren't married, we weren't even living in the same country as each other. So I thought long and hard about the possibility that we may not be raising this child together. But (and for me this was a huge consideration) I knew I would never be doing it alone, because I knew then, as I know now, that my family and my best friends would always be there (as I will always be there for them).

I'm truly sorry that you don't have your family to go through this experience with. If you believe you can work it out, and put the coping mechanisms in place, then I personally don't see any reason why you shouldn't go ahead. Not having immediate family as extra love-givers is a big deal, I don't think theres any doubt about it. But you don't have that option, that wasn't your choice, so you will deal with that in your own way, and I'm sure your child would too .

skateykatey

babymad wrote: »

Gobbedly - yes, I looked into adopting an older child but it's something of a no go since the majority of older children up for adoption have some form of additional need requiring more intensive parenting than most children, so working full time and without family support is not possible.

As the child's sole carer, in my hypothetical situation, my best friend is married with one son. I am her child's designated godparent and would bring her child up should something happen to her and her husband - she would do the same for me. Since I lost my parents young it is of course something I have thought about, but not something I plan for, if you appreciate what I mean.

However it would appear it is largely hypothetical in any case as it would seem the answer is for the most part - don't go there.

At the end of the day we are all random peeps in the internet; you're clearly not stupid and have thought this through.

If this is something you really want then what is stopping you???? At the very least you can make enquiries and then take it from there.

Not sure if you read my previous post of someone else who was in the same position as you; that turned out to be a success. I don't see, from reading what you've told us, why you should be any different.

Lone voice here telling you to go for it...

annie_d

Not wanting to derail the thread. Yes, of course my husband attends all meetings/events. What I meant was, one of the trickiest child care problems are the school holidays.......and baby mad would not have that problem!

babymad_2

Thank you, jannine.

It is true that as a deputy head, or even as a head for that matter, while there are additional demands on your time that regular teaching staff don't have there is also the option to be that bit more flexible due to having such a light teaching timetable, and as things stand I am often able to work from home should I choose to (I generally don't, as I have quite a short commute and find I am too easily distracted at home, but that option is there should I choose to exercise it.)

My personal belief is that the posters who have asked "what will you do when there is ... a parents' evening/illness/insert relevant statement" just disapprove - that's absolutely fine, I don't mind people being honest, but being made to cover every possible scenario from now until my as yet unborn child turns 30 is a little silly None of us know what will happen and many of the staff in my school are married to each other, so have exactly the same issues re working hours and so on as I would!

There is a lot to think about but I genuinely believe I would be a good mother to a child and have a lot to offer and am saddened that it looks unlikely this will happen. It isn't a passing whim and believe me if I turn my back on parenthood I am turning my back on happiness: I will not be really happy or fulfilled in my life if I don't get to be a parent.