What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

bossymoo

The world would be a better place if more people put so much thought and consideration into having a baby.

You can't plan for everything, believe me. I thought we had it covered, two babies, 19 months apart, then my husband goes and gets cancer before our youngest turned 1. Now it's just me and the babies. !!!!!! it's hard. But omg if someone had told me he was going to die at 35, do you think I wouldn't have had our children? Not on your nelly!!!

Having said that, I do have a lot of family around, it is important to make sure you have support. I would say even in that first year, you will need half an hour for a bath, someone to talk the crying baby for a walk whilst you try recover a little sleep. Etc. Babies are hard work (never mind that I've got two toddlers now!) but nothing worth having is easy.

VfM4meplse

I couldn't get past the first page as some of the initial comments made me quite cross on your behalf OP. By the time you are in your mid-thirties, you will be well aware of the responsibilities that go hand in hand with raising children. Having a child will force you to put in the social support infrastructure you currently lack, with the financial background you describe it is clear that you are not a teenager with your head in the clouds.

My advice is not to wait, just do it whilst your fertility is still relatively undiminshed. It irritates me to some degree that lesbians who fund the idea of having a man between their legs - even to serve this functional purpose - seem to be having babies left right and centre. But they pay the fertility centres for it dearly. You'll see that the literature from private IVF clinics actively target this group above single women...presumably twice the income means more money to spend? I personally decided against this route as the success rates are so poor, you hear about all the good stories but IMO (and a medical perspective) these clinics do not provide good value for money.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sid_Wolf

I say go for it!

My mum was in a relationship when I was concieved/born however he was worse than useless and ended up in prison when i was a few months old.

My mum raised me alone until i was about 4 when she met my (step)dad and shewas brilliant, we have a fantastic relationship and always have. I do have a fairly large family however many of my fondest memories are of times when it was just me and mum. And she is fab support atm as i am pregnant with my first (thankfully in a LTR)

Definately get support from close friends, especially those with children too as i am assuming you're planning on just the one so early socialisation with children of similar ages will be important.

Brallaqueen

In my own opinion, the relationship between a parent and child is a harder fought, more emotionally-charged and potentially damaging relationship than one between partners. This is due to the incredible impact I believe parents have on their children. Just look at some of the threads on this board, where posters still suffer from the actions of their parents.

I firmly believe that the first step to being a good parent is to be a good partner, if someone can't establish long term respectful relationships with adults then what chance does their child have?

babymad_2

Brallaqueen, I had vowed not to return to this thread as I have found many of the "observations" in it upsetting but yours has actually taken my breath away. Do you really mean to imply that I cannot establish long term respectful relationships with other adults? Or have I misunderstood something?

I was a much loved daughter and sister, I am a loyal friend to many, I am a well respected work colleague. I have not found somebody I wish to share my life with (yet) because it isn't easy to concentrate on casual dating when grieving and sadly my twenties were peppered with this. By the time I was in a position to be in a relationship, the men I would have liked to have married were married themselves.

If I have misunderstood your post I apologise profusely but if I have not - frankly - how dare you make such an offensive and unpleasant assumption on the limited information I have provided here?

I have concluded some of you just enjoy upsetting, annoying and goading someone who is not as fortunate as perhaps some of you have been in meeting "the one" - perhaps some of you need to think a little more carefully, look at your own doubtless lovely children and imagine someone saying you should never have had them because of circumstances out of your control? How would you feel then?

lilymay1

babymad wrote: »

With respect, are you saying that I should not try because I might run into difficulties and then subsequently miscarry?

You have presumably read my thread - you know I have coped with losing both parents before my twentieth birthday. That is a "worst nightmare" - I am very sorry about your miscarriage, but believe me, I am used to loss, and I am used to coping - alone.

With respect, the loss of a child (my daughter was 3 days old) is like nothing else. My husband had lost both his parents by the time he was 23. According to him, burying our baby was worse.

I've read most of this thread, and it seem's like you already know what you are going to do. You have an answer for everyone who has told you how difficult it will be and have disregarded TeamLowe's quite sensible post.

I admire you for considering going it alone - as everyone else has said it's bl00dy hard work and a 24/7 drain on your time/energy/money etc etc. I have a huge support network of family, my husband and my son's nursery and still find it tough. There is no 'down time' when you have a baby.

Anyway, I still think you should go for it. You are in a better position than some to provide for a child. Just listen to those who know more than you when we say it isn't going to be easy.

Best of luck

babymad_2

You misunderstood my post on that: I was pointing out that I have already experienced loss and that I am prepared to do it again if I decide to try for a baby - sometimes, you have to accept the road to getting what you want isn't an easy one.

I don't think I have disregarded anybody's posts: I have answered questions, yes, which have stated "what will you do ..." because in most cases the answer is obvious - "what will you do with the baby when you are at work?" or variants of that question, have bene asked, and I have answered - I don't think that is unreasonable.

I really don't think I will be doing it, lilymay. This thread has actually really upset me: I have had some horrible responses, some rude ones, some judgemental ones and some frankly stupid ones. One thing for me to cope with judgemental and rude people but i won't be subjecting a child to that.

GobbledyGook

If you become a parent people will judge you for everything so a child will be entering a judgemental world even if they have the ideal (whatever that is!) family set up.

Seriously in the past week, as a parent, I have been judged at least a dozen times. I'm too lenient on my eldest, too tough on the youngest, I let them out to play too much (the girls), I don't take the youngest (boy) out enough, I feed them wrongly (saga over a meal in a restaurant and the drama was the adults not the child), they go to bed too late and they watch too much tv etc etc etc.

When you become pregnant all of a sudden people lose their manners when it comes to keeping their opinions to themselves for some reason, and when it comes to your parenting the manners never come back!

babymad_2

Good point, GG

Thank you for reminding me of that though, you are very right. I'm sorry but some of the comments have been inaccurate and unkind and hard to take as a result. I feel as if I've been chewed up and spat out a bit so I'm going to leave this thread now, thank you for comments

lilymay1

No no, I do understand what you were saying. I was just pointing out that the loss of a child is, dare I say it, worse than loosing a parent. No one ever thinks their baby, toddler, child will be the one that dies and it is a desperate place to come back from.

At the end of the day People are often very quick to tell others not to do something they have done themselves (have children for example). Particularly when it's on an internet forum!

Speak to your real friends and colleagues and take their advice. They are much better qualified than we are Please don't feel upset by the thread - try to think of it as a learning experience. If you did choose to have a child in the situation you describe you will almost certainly face some of the nastiness you have seen on here. For what it's worth I still think you should do it. Nobody ever regrets having children