What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

Mojisola

Interesting thread here - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4132841

Lots of people do seem to manage without blood relations.

Tiddlywinks

Mojisola wrote: »

Interesting thread here - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4132841

Lots of people do seem to manage without blood relations.

... but it is interesting that Babymad was the first to answer with:

babymad wrote: »

Unfortunately, I have no advice but you are not alone. Both my parents died before I had left my teens, my grandparents are also all dead and my lovely brother, who had qualified as a doctor, died in 2009 after drowning when on holiday.

Words can't even express how much I miss them all x

Sadly, she had 'no advice to give' to the chap who was feeling lonely because he had no close family... so, it appears, that she feels their absence (and I feel for her) but she will be bringing a child into that same situation.

euronorris

babymad wrote: »

Absolutely - but again, that could easily happen to someone in a couple, I'm not sure that's an argument for not having a child.

It's not an argument for not having a child, it was in response to your statement that one of the reasons you wanted a child was so that you wouldn't be lonely, especially in old age. A child doesn't guarantee that.

If I were you, I'd draw up a list of all the things you will need to consider, plan for etc etc and see if you can find viable solutions for all of the possible problems.

I'd also consider what you can bring to a child. Both good and bad. You need to be very honest with yourself here because you would be willingly chosing to do this alone, so you would also be willingly chosing to try and play both the mother and father role. Can you fulfil both roles? Can you provide the child with some kind of father figure (by way of a close friend perhaps), can you give the child the time and attention it deserves etc etc.

I can see exactly where you are coming from, and why your desire is strong, but the last thing you want to do is go in blindly in the hope that you'll 'just cope somehow'. Plan for the eventualities as you are not going to have the backup of a partner or family member, you need to put these in place first.

FBaby

I've moved most of my life to different countries.when my eldest was born I and 4 months later we moved again I had no close friends and my family (consisting of my parents and 2 half shared I have had little contact with) lived abroad. that was 12 yards ago. I have many supporting friends now most who I've meet and bonded with through my daughter and later my son. I became a single mum when they eye very young continued to work full time and these were the friends who helped me when I needed it.

caevans

Hi
Havent read a lot of the thread but have seen criticism. Ignore them. I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready for a baby, be that financially or emotionally. Only you know if you are truly ready or not. From your arguments I would suggest that you already know the answer and thus what you need to do now. Go, have your baby and be happy :-)
Things may be difficult, but the same can be said of a couple with a baby. If you really want it, you can and will make it work. And for those who said you were being selfish for wanting a baby? Ridiculous. We are all selfish in our own way. Bringing children into the world is largely about what WE want and our happiness and the love we have to give.
You are in a good job and you have said you are in a good position financially. You have a job that means you have school holidays off so you don't have to worry about childcare during that time.
I do think others are over thinking things a bit. Daft to ask what you would do if you happened to go out one night once a year. You would find a babysitter like anyone else would have to do!
You already know your answer so you don't have a listen to a whole lot of strangers online :-)

And, just read tiddlywinks comment about your family - how awful. Instead of trawling through other threads to see what they have to say, maybe you should get a hobby tiddlywinks?

babymad_2

Thank you very much for your responses. I apologise for responding emotionally last night but I feel that some of the replies, while having valid points, were expressed in an overly critical and (I felt) quite aggressive tone which did upset me.

The first thing I would like to point out is that I said, a few pages back, that my best friend would take guardianship of my child if the worst was to happen. I'm not going to go into any more detail on that but suffice to say I have thought about it and I have found a 'solution' - to a problem that very probably will not happen: my parents' untimely deaths has meant my health care is very well screened, so to speak.

Secondly, having lost my parents at a young age, I am very used to coping with things alone and perhaps for that reason, some of the scenarios some of you have posted as a possibility - recovering from a c-section with a new baby and no family support - don't floor me particularly. While I haven't coped like that, I have recovered from surgery alone, I have been ill alone, I have been young, with no transport, money (in the days before I accessed my inheritance) and got through it.

We cope because it is what we do. Eleanor Roosevelt once compared a woman to a teabag: you don't know how strong she is until she is in hot water, and I think there is truth in that generally, not just for women. It's only when you're tested you realise you can cope, because actually, there's no choice and you have to smile and get on with it!

To the people who claim I want a baby because I lost my own family - how very unpleasant, I hope you enjoyed that little jibe because I certainly didn't. Many (by no means all) women want a baby because it's natural. I never intended to mention my parents, but it was relevant because I needed to explain why I wasn't looking into adoption.

My parents have been dead for nearly two decades and as much as I miss them and love them, I am used to them not being around.

A child born into my family would have an aunt and cousins - my brother was married with one son. His widowed wife has her father still alive and we are still in contact, although they live in Scotland which means I do not see very much of her or my nephew.

I am generally considered a kind, responsible and reliable sort of person, I have many friends, hobbies and am active in my community. Perhaps some of you are right and I should have asked there but - here is the rub - I know every single friend and acquaintance of mine would say I should go for it, because they care about me and want to make me happy. What I wonder is if that is fair on the child.

I still don't know. I do know that a child of mine would be better off than thousands of children in this country alone, with a stable home and parent. Whether that's enough, at the moment, I just don't know.

Thank you for replying, those of you who genuinely had a point to make, whether positive or negative. Those who just wanted to say I should have done a search, make a snide comment or make up their own ideas about why I want a child, well, I think you are the ones lacking, not I. There is a lot more to me than "the woman who lost her parents" and it's a shame some of you couldn't see past that.

caevans

:T
Great response

euronorris

It's not just your health to consider. You could be in a car accident, for example. Any of us could. So, yes, having a guardian ready to take over parental duties is a must. It's something that any parent should consider (it's something that OH and I have considered and we haven't started trying yet).

Recovering from surgery alone is one thing, recovering from a c-section whilst also trying to look after a baby is quite another. The pain from a c-section can make it impossible for some women to lift their babies up in the first few days. So I would also suggest that you have someone available (paid or otherwise) to assist you during the first couple of weeks after the birth just in case you need them.

What about someone who is able to play the father figure, at least in part? Someone the child can go to for things that it doesn't want to talk to you about, or about man things if you have a boy? I think it's very important to have that influence there, if you can.

As for, is it fair? Mmm.....I don't know. You have some pros and cons going on here and without knowing you or your personal situation better, I really couldn't comment. Personally, I would always aim to bring a child into the world with both parents as I think they need that. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way, but I don't think I would ever plan to have a child without a father figure in the picture. They cope without having both parents, but I think it's easier on them if both are around. My OH would've certainly preferred to have his Dad around more. He still would, but I don't think that will ever happen.

But I have a very strong desire to have children myself, but am having to wait until things are more sorted with regards to living arrangements and money, so I understand the desire.

Are there clinics or forums online that will offer some literature or guidance about this? Surely there must be, and it would be good to access that.

Mojisola

Most children get conceived without any great thought about how future difficulties will be dealt with. You sound as if you've gone through a range of possibilities and worked out how you will manage. If, after doing that, you feel you will be able to cope, go for it.

Devi

OP - i haven't read through all the posts but completely understand your longing for a child.

I am in a similar position and it breaks my heart that at 37 and single, it might not happen for me.

Good luck, i am sure you will make the right decision for you.

Take care.