What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

Kayalana99

babymad wrote: »

You misunderstood my post on that: I was pointing out that I have already experienced loss and that I am prepared to do it again if I decide to try for a baby - sometimes, you have to accept the road to getting what you want isn't an easy one.

I don't think I have disregarded anybody's posts: I have answered questions, yes, which have stated "what will you do ..." because in most cases the answer is obvious - "what will you do with the baby when you are at work?" or variants of that question, have bene asked, and I have answered - I don't think that is unreasonable.

I really don't think I will be doing it, lilymay. This thread has actually really upset me: I have had some horrible responses, some rude ones, some judgemental ones and some frankly stupid ones. One thing for me to cope with judgemental and rude people but i won't be subjecting a child to that.

On Topic - Reading most of this thread I was complety on your side, 100% then I read this

Off Topic - A week ago I was on ebay fourms and a complete idiot posted "IVE MADE A SHOP COME LOOK" on nearly every board...probs trying to make a few sales then anything...about an hour later his next post? "YOU GUYS ARE MEAN IVE CLOSED MY SHOP" ....So basicly his dream was to run an ebay business...but because of a few harsh words within an HOUR he had closed everything he had been working for...all time listings...etc...Now I KNOW this isn't same thing.

But back on topic - If you are really serouis about this, none of these peoples op's should matter only YOURS. How much you want this child. And to be quite frank - Alot of these posts are incredibly supportive but you pick the bad from the worse and say you no longer want to try?

You've basicly given up already.

Its hard being a single parent, esp without a fam to support you, but thier are so many single parents doing exactly the same and managing!!

Do you think if they asked thier kids would they rather not have been born because they dont have grand parents you think they would say they would rather not be alive?

Do you think by adopting a child that wouldn't of had a single person to care about them and giving them a loving home they would want to go back because you can't be with them 24/7?

Do you think by bringing a child into this world...the most amazing thing by far that any woman can do....that the child wouldn't get everything it deserves?

Truth is NO ONE not even kids with two parents decent lifestyles are ever 100% happy they will always want MORE.

You may find your child wants grandparents + more time with you more attetion ...but you gave them life.

They could just have easily been born on the other side world in poverty with nothing...

Im just going to stop typing. Having a complete rant now...Sorry lol.

LannieDuck

OP, I know you've left the thread now, but just in case you're still popping back to read, my vote is 'go for it'.

I'm a new Mum of a 10 month old. Yes, it's hard work and I have the utmost respect for single parents. Babies need your attention all the time when they're not asleep. Mine was a pretty good sleeper, but even so I was very thankful that my partner was hands-on. But that's not to say I wouldn't have coped on my own if I'd had to - of course I would have, and so do many other people.

There have been lots of 'what ifs' in this thread, but you've already given this more thought than anyone who gets pregnant accidentally! Anyone can suffer from a miscarriage; that shouldn't stop you from trying. And I'm sure you're just as aware of the possibilities of having a child with special needs as any other person trying to conceive.

Nursery is expensive, but you say you have good savings. It's a shame you don't have an extensive support network, but you can create one. I joined NCT for the antenatal classes, and meet up almost every week with my NCT friends who had babies around the same time as me.

My life's changed since I had my baby, and yes it's bl**dy hard work sometimes... and I wouldn't change it for the world. If being a parent is important to you, do it. Good luck.

Tiddlywinks

babymad wrote: »

Thank you for reminding me of that though, you are very right. I'm sorry but some of the comments have been inaccurate and unkind and hard to take as a result. I feel as if I've been chewed up and spat out a bit so I'm going to leave this thread now, thank you for comments

Oh for goodness sake - you asked for opinions on a really personal subject... what did you expect in return, knitting tips?

Life as a single parent will be full of comments, judgements and gossip - get used to it.

Incidentally, my concerns were and are still about the emotional situation you will be placing any child into (given the lack of any family network) and not the practical concerns (where money can be thrown at the problem). Your 'emo' response to the comments on here just adds to these concerns really... but, then again, you've already said you're taking your ball and going home so...... I guess these comments are wasted.

babymad_2

Tiddywinks, are your parents and/or siblings (if applicable?) alive? Can you really not understand why being told that having lost them it makes me an unsuitable parent would be hurtful in the extreme?

As I have said, I wouldn't, in all honesty, want to expose a child to this level of scrutiny. I think if you read the first four and a half pages I responded perfectly politely but got fed up and annoyed at the increasingly personal and above all snide comment about my situation.

How many times, in different ways, have I had to answer the "what will you do with the child when you are at work?" on this thread?

How many times have people mentioned that I could die or have a child with special needs? Would people say this to a couple TTC? Would that, maybe, be upsetting for them?

Food for thought, I think.

Anyway I really am going to leave this now, thank you.

LisaLou1982

Hi BabyMad

I just wanted to say *hugs*

I read through your thread and got quite upset on your behalf. I lost my dad in my mid 20s. I couldnt imagine losing my mum too. It mustve been devastating for you

With regards to the baby - people in life will always be judgemental. They'll always tell you that you should/shouldnt do something. Theres a saying i live by these days "Please yourself, you'll never please everyone else, so at least this way 1 person will be happy!" - obviously i dont take it to the Nth degree but i always think about it when things are starting to get on top of me

If a baby is what it takes to make you happy then go for it. You will be a brilliant mum, you will cope and the baby will adore its mum. xx

Mojisola

babymad wrote: »

How many times have people mentioned that I could die or have a child with special needs? Would people say this to a couple TTC? Would that, maybe, be upsetting for them?

Yes, people do say this to couples but with two parents and two wider families the chance of a child being left without any relatives is much reduced.

Parents are also often advised on MSE to consider the possibility of both of them dying together and to make provision for that eventuality. We certainly did.

If you've looked at the pros and cons and feel you can handle the cons, go for it.

GobbledyGook

People do say hurtful things to a couple who are TTC'ing. When the ex-husband and I were having fertility treatment people felt able to ask were we not worried about how we'd cope if I or our child/ren developed the drug problems that wrecked my childhood.

balletshoes

babymad wrote: »

Tiddywinks, are your parents and/or siblings (if applicable?) alive? Can you really not understand why being told that having lost them it makes me an unsuitable parent would be hurtful in the extreme?

As I have said, I wouldn't, in all honesty, want to expose a child to this level of scrutiny. I think if you read the first four and a half pages I responded perfectly politely but got fed up and annoyed at the increasingly personal and above all snide comment about my situation.

How many times, in different ways, have I had to answer the "what will you do with the child when you are at work?" on this thread?

How many times have people mentioned that I could die or have a child with special needs? Would people say this to a couple TTC? Would that, maybe, be upsetting for them?

Food for thought, I think.

Anyway I really am going to leave this now, thank you.

i'm really sorry you've been so upset, but I'll be honest. I've seen nothing snide in any post on this thread. I think most folk who have asked you later in the thread what you would do if you had to work late/work evenings/go into hospital etc just hadn't read past the first page (or the first post - sometimes I do that myself).

Of course its upsetting to think about you not being around to see your child grow up, of course its upsetting to think about miscarriage and disabled children. But I honestly think every potential mother should think about how they might deal with those issues, before they get pregnant. Whether they are a couple thinking about getting pregnant or a single woman.

kitkatt1982

Hi, I've not read through all the posts on here but seen you've had quite a bit of stick which I don't think is justified,

Yes having a baby is hard work but I've done it twice on my own now, first relationship was abusive so didn't last, and now I am actually married but my husband works away 6 days a week so not much different (please don't start a debate on this, I'm obviously aware of the differences but in my case they are not that significant). I am lucky enough to have a family but do not, and have never relied on them for support, my support with my children comes from my friends who are fantastic.

Yes, you need to consider that you WILL need support but this does not have to come from family or from a partner, you can make your own support network through baby groups, work colleagues etc. You have obviously given this a great deal of thought which is more that a lot of people do when they have unplanned pregnancies. You are in a stable job and able to support the child that you are bringing into this world without relying on the tax payer and seem to be dedicated to providing this child with a loving and nurturing home.

I hope that you are able to take with you the kind thoughts from people on here and not just the narrow-minded ones. Yes in an ideal world we would perhaps all have our children at 25 in happy, heterosexual, monogomous, respectful relationships, but this world is not ideal and we have to make the most of what we have.

Give this woman a break narrow minded people!! And good luck with whatever your decision x x

kitschkitty

I found it interesting that the OP has gotten so annoyed with posts that have either raised issues or contained viewpoints that don't support hers.

She has complained that people have judged her based on the information she has given in this thread and yet she's made plenty of judgements (including some very negative ones) about other parents and families, both those she has met in her life and those on here.

I also think that if someone finds it difficult to either cope with or ignore things that a bunch or random strangers say on the internet they'll find it even harder to face the same things in real life.

Last but not least there have been several threads just like this one in the forum, and all tending to have the same content. The OP might have been better off searching for/through those first, considering how this thread has affected her, then she would have had the same answers just not directed at her personally!