What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

GreenQueen

Hi, Babymad,

I know a bit of that pain, having gone through a lot of disappointments, and finally adopting our DD.

Although people are saying that you still have plenty of time, don't leave it too late. Part of our problem was that with careers, etc we waited until our mid-30s and then found out there was a problem conceiving. There then wasn't enough time to sort the problems - tests, etc take SOOOOOOOOOOO long.You are right to be facing this decision now and not putting it off.

If you decide to go ahead, you'll find out who your supportive friends are. You're also likely to make new friends through ante/post-natal classes, baby groups, etc, do looking at your support network now doesn't necessarily represent the post-baby situation.

I know people who've gone for it alone, and also people who've been part of a couple only to find themselves on their own with a small baby after the relationship has broken down - at least being on your own would be what you signed up for! No-one knows what the future will bring.

You've thought through this a lot more than many people do before bringing a child into the world - I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you, and best wishes going forward whatever you decide.

GQ

Fuzzy_Duck

I believe that having children is a privilege, not a right, and there are so many unwanted children it seems wrong to want to create another one when you're unable to have one naturally. Adoption would be a much better idea in my opinion.

Threebabes

Ive not read all the posts. I would go for it, whatever hurdle you come across you will get over it. As do families with two parents. No problem can not be overcome. Good luck in your journey .

catkins

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I'll say it again... it shouldn't just be about what Babymad thinks she needs, it should be about the child. That child will grow up without a father, grandparents, aunts or uncles and cousins.

Babymad has NO family so the child will have NO family - would you choose to bring a child into the world where you would be the only blood relative?

Also, there is the very real question of guardianship if something should happen to Babymad... both parents died relatively young as did her sibling so I struggle to understand why this isn't uppermost in her mind. She would be ALL the family the child had - God forbid anything happened, the child would be alone (save for friends).

Forget about the practical stuff for a moment and just think about the emotional stuff - the child will have no family other than mum, would you choose that for someone?

Yes it should be about the child but how many woman or couples actually do think about the child? They decide they want a child regardless of circumstances and just have one (or more). No I wouldn't choose to bring a child into the world who would have no relatives but then neither would I bring one into it without a father. To purposely choose to be a single mother with no father around is incredibly selfish.

caevans wrote: »

Hi Things may be difficult, but the same can be said of a couple with a baby. If you really want it, you can and will make it work. And for those who said you were being selfish for wanting a baby? Ridiculous. We are all selfish in our own way. Bringing children into the world is largely about what WE want and our happiness and the love we have to give.

And, just read tiddlywinks comment about your family - how awful. Instead of trawling through other threads to see what they have to say, maybe you should get a hobby tiddlywinks?

Is it ridiculous to say someone is selfish for wanting a baby? Not in some circumstances it is not and bringing a child into the world with no father is selfish. Your remark bringing a child into the world is largely about what we WANT says it all. So you bring a child into the world because you want one so you shall have one - does it not matter about circumstances for the child?

I think Tiddlywinks has a valid viewpoint and seems to have given more thought to what bring a child into the world actually means and should mean that most of the other posters on here.

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

My reason for not thinking it's a good idea at the moment?

Well, I would not want to be the child of a single mum, with no grandparents to spoil me and give me their love, without any aunts and uncles who I could turn to if I had a falling out with my single parent; plus, as I wouldn't have any siblings (unless they are also planned with military precision), I would not want to grow up without cousins to play and share holidays with.

Finally, as a child of a lone parent with absolutely no extended family, I would not want to have to face the loss of that parent futher down the line without any family to support me with that loss.

You are choosing to place a child in this position. If you were part of a couple, then there would likely be some extended family to provide the child with future emotional support and continuing love.

Yes, there will be friends but they can never substitute fully for the family connection IMO.

Totally agree. Having a child and putting them in that position is totally selfish

caevans

Fuzzy_duck - who says she is unable to conceive naturally? She hasn't even tried yet?
P.s does a turkey baster come under natural or not? Should we stop taking the pill or other contraception so that we can produce babies when it is our 'natural' time whether wanted or not?

*max*

IMO, deciding to have a baby is ultimately a selfish act, regardless of the situation. You have a baby because YOU want one - being in a stable relationship, in a good financial situation and having plenty of supportive family around doesn't make having a baby less selfish. Therefore throwing around accusations of selfishness at the OP is pointless. Yes, she is being selfish - but so are the other millions of people who chose to have a baby.

How can it NOT be selfish? You are not having a baby for the good of humanity, or for the good of that child - he/she doesn't even exist. How do you know that child will have a good life, will never suffer or wish they weren't born, or have a mental illness that makes their life a struggle? You are doing it for yourself, period. Thinking otherwise is deluded.

In my opinion, from what the OP has posted so far, she is in a better position to provide for a child than a lot of people who don't necessarily ask themselves any of the questions she is asking beforehand, and who certainly don't see their choice questionned by others simply because they are a more "usual" set up. She has clearly been giving it a lot of thought, and it isn't something that will be done lightly. I don't see any reason why she shouldn't have a baby if she wishes to.

VfM4meplse

The posts referrng to finding "the one" make me lol....no-one in my family has ever found a wonderful match, once married they just got on with life even though the picture was far from rosy. Divorce was just never a recognised option.

It's far better IMO to give a child a loving and stable environment than have 2 parents that row like hell over the CSA payments.

Jox

I haven't read all the responses but I would say, if you want a child then make it happen.

In my situation, I got pregnant at 27 after a 6 month relationship, the guy didn't want the child and blanked me, I felt totally alone and desperate, I terminated the pregnancy, I've spent the last 10 years regretting that....at 33 after being single and heartbroken for over 6 years I met a lovely man, we got married, he then decided that he was too young for children, I had assumed that as he wanted to marry me that he wanted children with me, I told him that I wanted children and not to waste my time...after a couple of years he felt ready to have children, we tried to conceive for a year, month after month of disappointment...now I am 6 weeks pregnant at 37, we are both over the moon and excited and nervous...

Just go for whatever feels right to you, others will always talk and gossip but let them worry about their own lives.

You will manage and give love to the child and that is the main thing.

Your friends will support you as you support them I'm sure.

Pursue your dream, you never know, Mr Right might appear along the journey, they sometimes do when least expected.

mrsrwallace

babymad, I have read all the posts in this thread and I agree with those who say go for it. Yes you are an educated and financially sound individual who has much to offer a child but equally I could say that of a woman with no great wealth or career. All that matters is that the child you are considering having is wanted and loved and cherished.

Of course there are risks in everything we do and yes some would say, although I am not of the same opinion, that a child should have both parents. I grew up with parents who did and still do treat me very well and likewise I know of people who grew up with two parents who reminded the children how unwanted they were. Similarly, I have family members and friends who have become single mothers either through divorce, bereavement or one-night stands. All of them have struggled in their own ways with coping with a child/children alone yet the same can be said of a couple. I know as a mother, I was very much isolated when my children were babies. My OH worked abroad at the time and my family lived 30 miles away and I couldn't drive. I also worked full-time. Yet, we managed. The rewards of being a parent outweigh the stress, sacrifices, guilt, sleepless nights and limited freedom.

But I can safely say that I look at my children and they are the only things I am proud of in my life. I had them when I was quite young but I can honestly say that I don't know what I would have done with my life without them in it.

So I say go for it. What is the alternative? To live a life of regrets and wondering "what if?" I think you should grab the chance and go for it, you only have one life and it is up to you what you do with it and I do not believe that the ideal of a nuclear family is the be-all-and-end-all in life. I refer to one of the previous posters who mentioned the search for "the one". I never found the great love of my life and the romantic side of me says I never looked hard enough yet my OH and I married and some would say "settled" for each other. Would that mean I am a better mother than you simply because I have a partner? No it does not. Do not let life pass you by, if there is a chance of happiness then you grasp it and only you know what life is like for you in the "real world" away from MSE so only you can decide what is best for you. Yes some will say it is what is best for the baby that matters and yes that is right, but what is best for a baby is to have a loving home be it with one parent or two.

annie_d

^^^^^^Absolutely