What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

FBaby

There was another thread recently about a much younger poster asking a similar question. I think there is a BIG difference considering it in you're 20s then mid 30s. When you reach the age when it is medically proven your fertility goes down it is fair enough to accept that you have done everything you can to offer the perfect family for your future child.

I don't know why people are bringing up miscarriage disability etc... There is a risk of this happening whatever the ageand not something that stop anyone wanting to become a parent trying. As long as you are aware of the possibility and accept the risk.

there are many single mums up there who do a fantastic job. There are women who fall pregnant with donor eggs so the children will never know their biological mum. no one can claim to know the effect on individuals because all deal with it very differently.

If that's what you want to do do it as a private business because people who don't know what it us like to be in your situation will judge you regardless and learn to be the best mum you can be. Good luck.

marisco_2

When I became a lone parent I panicked about how I would juggle all the aspects of my life. The thoughts of being able to earn enough to support my family, find suitable affordable childcare and be there for my children really occupied and concerned me.

Six years on from starting to be on my own and life is good and working well. Though I will say it is extremely hard work. I retrained and now work as a teaching assistant. My hours are term time only and I have the luxury of being able to drop and collect my children at school.

Sometimes there are events I need to attend but I have found a fantastic, reliable babysitting service www.sitters.co.uk. You pay a membership fee 4 times a year and have access to babysitters who are crb checked and charge very reasonable rates.

I wish you well with your decision OP. Having read this thread you have come across as someone who has really thought this through. Good luck.

bazster

Frankly, OP, if you are going to try to get advice on such matters from strangers on the internet you are asking to get a kicking. Would you walk into a shop or a pub and ask random strangers what to do about your unfulfilled baby urges? No? Then how does it make any sense to do it on the internet?

Frankly I'd have expected a deputy head teacher to have more sense. Are you not accustomed to dealing with children who've got themselves upset by taking the internet seriously? And yet here you are, publicly discussing very personal matters with complete strangers, and getting upset at the results.

alwaystryyourbest

HI BABYMAD,, I think you would make a lovely mum,
so please just go for it, i can see from your post that if you don't try then you would be regret it...

Don't put it of any longer
put some sperm in you and make a baby,
have a baby..
be happy for the rest of your life.....
good luck.xx

duchy

I don't think anyone on a forum has anything to contribute beyond an alternative view -to help the OP understand all the issues involved in a decision like this .........if this is what she was looking for -this is what she got. If however she was looking for validation for her plan -that perhaps explains why she's stropped off the thread like one of the teenagers she teaches when people brought up reasons that should be colouring her decision.

I never intended to be a single parent -but am and it's damn hard work . Actually most parents single or otherwise will tell you it's far harder than they ever imagined .

I think the OP needs to be sure she has a degree of paid care. Friends will usually help out now and again but that goodwill and willingness fades when parents call for help once too often or start to take help for granted. As she needs their emotional support for herself as well as a support network for the child it's something to make provision for.

Take the worst possible scenario -if you had a child and due to circumstances (either pertaining to you and your child) you were unable to work and your nice home and financial security were gone and you had to live on benefits in social housing -would you still be as determined to have a child. If you would -then go for it -if you wouldn't want to give up the comfort and cushion you currently have......think a bit more.

Taadaa

I haven't read through all of this, but my gut instinct is that the OP is trying to compensate for something through her desire to have a baby - breifly saw she has lost both parents, so think I am along the right lines. Babies shouldn't be used to try and restore something you have lost, or compensate for something you have/haven't done.

They are a huge amount of work and it sounds as though you will have very little support. It's not just when they are babies either, it goes on and on well into adulthood. What will you do when you are unsure of how to handle something? Come on to an internet forum for advice?? These forums are of value, but they cannot be your sole source of advice.

There are many single parent families these days, but choosing to enter into such a situation..well, you need to be damn sure it really is what you want.

I had an unsupportive partner when I had DS, so may as well have had none. Sometimes DS would cry for hours and hours for no reason. He wanted feeding every 2-3 hours, meaning I didn't get the deep sleep you need to feel refreshed for weeks on end. The flat was a mess, I ended up living on toast, which meant I lost 1.5 stone in the first two weeks, and I ended up not being able to breast feed after 6 weeks because my body just couldn't manage it...and the times he cried til four when I had to get up at six for work...not a happy joyous time at all. There is no way on God's earth I would do it again without support. And even then..well now, as I am 30 weeks pregnant, I am still apprehensive because I know how hard it is.

alwaystryyourbest

Taadaa wrote: »

I haven't read through all of this, but my gut instinct is that the OP is trying to compensate for something through her desire to have a baby - breifly saw she has lost both parents, so think I am along the right lines. Babies shouldn't be used to try and restore something you have lost, or compensate for something you have/haven't done.

They are a huge amount of work and it sounds as though you will have very little support. It's not just when they are babies either, it goes on and on well into adulthood. What will you do when you are unsure of how to handle something? Come on to an internet forum for advice?? These forums are of value, but they cannot be your sole source of advice.

There are many single parent families these days, but choosing to enter into such a situation..well, you need to be damn sure it really is what you want.

I had an unsupportive partner when I had DS, so may as well have had none. Sometimes DS would cry for hours and hours for no reason. He wanted feeding every 2-3 hours, meaning I didn't get the deep sleep you need to feel refreshed for weeks on end. The flat was a mess, I ended up living on toast, which meant I lost 1.5 stone in the first two weeks, and I ended up not being able to breast feed after 6 weeks because my body just couldn't manage it...and the times he cried til four when I had to get up at six for work...not a happy joyous time at all. There is no way on God's earth I would do it again without support. And even then..well now, as I am 30 weeks pregnant, I am still apprehensive because I know how hard it is.

everyone copes differently i have 6 children including a special needs child and a baby who is 1 year old who i am still breastfeeding, it's hard work sometimes but for the most times we cope fine.
baby can be hard work, i often get fed up with people moaning about how hard having one baby is how do i cope with 6 , but you just do i love my big family so i say to
BABYMAD don't let anyone put you off having a baby IT will be the best thing you do...
GO FOR IT.....

heartbreak_star

Hmm...I'm trying to put this nicely. Please bear in mind I have no children and have absolutely no desire to have any!!

OP, I do see where you're coming from with regards to your age, however my manager at my last workplace had her first baby at 40 and twins at 42, she now has a happy healthy family unit with her partner. So it's really not too late to find someone.

Also...I agree that you're compensating for the loss of your parents with your broodiness. It isn't fair on a child for you to bring them into the world just because you're lonely, and to burden them with looking after you when you get older. And by leaving the thread you've taken your ball and gone home because you weren't winning.

I would also voice these opinions to a couple, by the way.

HBS x

Tiddlywinks

I'll say it again... it shouldn't just be about what Babymad thinks she needs, it should be about the child.

That child will grow up without a father, grandparents, aunts or uncles and cousins.

Babymad has NO family so the child will have NO family - would you choose to bring a child into the world where you would be the only blood relative?

Babymad has said she has a well paid job, is mortgage free and has ample savings - so that is childcare etc catered for as you can throw money at the problem... and buy in physical help.

HOWEVER, you can't buy in emotional support. Yes, there will be friends BUT I don't think they can ever really compensate for not having the 'normal' things such as (at least) a grandparent, or an aunty or cousin - someone that the child can turn to if s/he has a falling out with mum.

Also, there is the very real question of guardianship if something should happen to Babymad... both parents died relatively young as did her sibling so I struggle to understand why this isn't uppermost in her mind. She would be ALL the family the child had - God forbid anything happened, the child would be alone (save for friends).

Yes, some people do live without any contact with their families BUT that is not ideal and is not really how we are programmed to be as humans - we are mostly pack animals. Should someone CHOOSE to place a child in this position - to be without any family?

Forget about the practical stuff for a moment and just think about the emotional stuff - the child will have no family other than mum, would you choose that for someone?

alwaystryyourbest

kitkatt1982 wrote: »

Hi, I've not read through all the posts on here but seen you've had quite a bit of stick which I don't think is justified,

Yes having a baby is hard work but I've done it twice on my own now, first relationship was abusive so didn't last, and now I am actually married but my husband works away 6 days a week so not much different (please don't start a debate on this, I'm obviously aware of the differences but in my case they are not that significant). I am lucky enough to have a family but do not, and have never relied on them for support, my support with my children comes from my friends who are fantastic.

Yes, you need to consider that you WILL need support but this does not have to come from family or from a partner, you can make your own support network through baby groups, work colleagues etc. You have obviously given this a great deal of thought which is more that a lot of people do when they have unplanned pregnancies. You are in a stable job and able to support the child that you are bringing into this world without relying on the tax payer and seem to be dedicated to providing this child with a loving and nurturing home.

I hope that you are able to take with you the kind thoughts from people on here and not just the narrow-minded ones. Yes in an ideal world we would perhaps all have our children at 25 in happy, heterosexual, monogomous, respectful relationships, but this world is not ideal and we have to make the most of what we have.

Give this woman a break narrow minded people!! And good luck with whatever your decision x x

Well said...:T:T