What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

Tiddlywinks

Being a parent should be a selfless act...

As a head teacher how would you view another family unit in this position? Say, a single mother working full time, bringing up a child with no close relatives. No grandparents to spoil the child, no uncles and aunties, no cousins... it's hard for friends to fill those gaps.

How about if you developed a serious or chronic illness - cancer, MS or whatever - that meant you were physically restricted. Yes, this can happen with a couple (less likely to happen to both) BUT you will be alone (other than friends) through choice. Your child could be faced with a very difficult life indeed.

You would be having a child for your own personal gratification - is it fair to impose this life on someone else? Really?

balletshoes

to be fair to the OP, I think everyone who has a child does it because they want to primarily.

I'm not saying that everyone who wants to have a baby should do, certainly not without thinking hard about how they will manage alone (even if they're in a stable relationship when they decide to conceive) , and then thinking hard some more.

OP from what you've said, I'm not convinced that you realise how hard it can be, bringing up a child completely alone. I'm not necessarily talking about support from a partner, but I know I'd have been completely stuck on more than one occasion without my family and good friends.

babymad_2

I don't think anybody knows until they actually do it, balletshoes, although I am not sure what I have said that leads you to think this and feel a little upset at this judgement of me in fact, which is probably unreasonable of me but I have given away very little, all in all.

Tiddlywinks - how would I view another family in this position? I have worked alongside children who are born into families totally dependent on benefits, with alcohol, drugs and daytime TV as their babysitters, with sexual, physical and emotional abuse to contend with - comparitively, my situation is fairly 'normal.' I work with many "two point four" families too and yes, many single parents. I am not sure that there is a 'normal' family in this day and age.

I'm a deputy headteacher, by the way, not a headteacher.

balletshoes

babymad wrote: »

I don't think anybody knows until they actually do it, balletshoes, although I am not sure what I have said that leads you to think this and feel a little upset at this judgement of me in fact, which is probably unreasonable of me but I have given away very little, all in all.

Tiddlywinks - how would I view another family in this position? I have worked alongside children who are born into families totally dependent on benefits, with alcohol, drugs and daytime TV as their babysitters, with sexual, physical and emotional abuse to contend with - comparitively, my situation is fairly 'normal.' I work with many "two point four" families too and yes, many single parents. I am not sure that there is a 'normal' family in this day and age.

I'm a deputy headteacher, by the way, not a headteacher.

I agree totally with you, no-one knows until they do it. I really don't mean to upset you at all, I think it was probably your own "looking through rosy-tinted specs" comment you made earlier. The idea of coming home to bath, bed, cosy up on the sofa is lovely, and yes you get lots of those. You also get lots of sleepless nights as a norm, child with earache/upset stomach/vomiting bug/just can't sleep etc etc. If you're lucky, you don't get so many of those - but then you still have to function the next day, and if you don't have family/friend support when you really need it, those times can be very hard on you indeed.

If you've really thought about it, and are aware of the sacrifices you are making/will make for the rest of your life, then I'd say go for it, but get your practical arrangements in place as soon as you can. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Tiddlywinks

babymad wrote: »

Tiddlywinks - how would I view another family in this position? I have worked alongside children who are born into families totally dependent on benefits, with alcohol, drugs and daytime TV as their babysitters, with sexual, physical and emotional abuse to contend with - comparitively, my situation is fairly 'normal.' I work with many "two point four" families too and yes, many single parents. I am not sure that there is a 'normal' family in this day and age.

Really? A lone individual that chooses to have a child where there is no father, no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins? That child would have NO family other than the one parent - you would choose that life for a child and consider it 'fairly normal'?

Yes, I'm sure you have seen dysfunctional families (as have many of us in our work) BUT this is not about them, this is about you and the choices that YOU make and the impact that those choices will have on another individual who was not part of the decision making process.

babymad_2

Balletshoes, thank you for your post and hope I didn't come across as overly sensitive in mine! I think I misinterpreted your comment - I thought you were meaning that I shouldn't have my own children due to not having family support, since that's obviously quite a painful subject for me I was a little upset.

No, my rosy tinted view was/is very much just that, I have absolutely no doubt that if (and it's an idea very much in its embryonic stages at the moment) I decided to have a baby alone I would frequently tear my hair out and wonder what I was doing, but then I also think I would if I wasmarried.

Many of my friends have had their marriages fail and children caught in the crossfire: there's no way of telling what will happen, I suppose.

Tiddlywinks, thank you to for your response. I think you are confusing 'normal' with 'average' It's true the 'average' child has a bigger extended family than one in my hypothetical situation, but this does not mean it isn't 'normal.' I didn't choose to lose both parents and a sibling young, but I did - to rule myself out of being a parent is an added heartache on top of this, selfish maybe but then on that logic, everyone choosing to have a baby is selfish.

I wonder if you would make the same post and suggest I had a termination if I had said in my OP I was pregnant after a short lived relationship, contraception failure and the father didn't want to know? I suspect not - it seems to be the planning that is distasteful in many people's eyes. It's true I can't offer lots of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to my child. I can offer a lot of other things, however, that perhaps others could not. Swings and roundabouts?

Bufger

I know this is probably contraversial but have you tried actually asking some people on some dating/friends with benefits sights to have unprotected sex in order to get you pregnant? if a guy knew beforehand and was willing to contribute to the deed anonymously (ie doesnt want to be a dad but is willing to 'donate'). You'd save yourself alot of money!

As i said, contraversial.

babymad_2

Thank you Bufer but that is definitely not for me. I appreciate your reply though

Gillyx

Being a deputy head teacher do you have any work commitments that are out with child care hours? I know a member of my family is a Headteacher and they frequently have meetings and other things of that nature to attend at night? They also have a lot of work to bring home. I'm not sure though if that's just head teacher and not deputy, so forgive me if I'm wrong

thegirlintheattic

Have you considered the cost of full childcare? Would you be able to leave work at a moments notice if your child was ill?

It's quite possible to do but probably not the best way of going about it. I'd step up the search for a partner.

As others have said you also need to consider what would happen if something happens to you. It doesn't even have to be very serious, my mum suffered from a virus when I was a baby and my dad was away working, she would not have coped had it not been for extended family.