What would you do? Desperate to start a family, but...

pleasedelete

If you are healthy an don't expect conception issues you can just use a sperm donor. Supplies in the uk are limited (legislation changes). I believe that you can get it fedexed from Scandinavia or via the Netherlands. Then it's the old turkey baster. You can use a clinic but that adds to costs. No need for ivf etc etc

You will get maternity leave paid and then you can decide your future working hours.

Join a site like my monthly cycles and start plotting your fertility as this will help plan dates if you decide to go ahead.

Tiddlywinks

babymad wrote: »

Tiddlywinks, thank you to for your response. I think you are confusing 'normal' with 'average' It's true the 'average' child has a bigger extended family than one in my hypothetical situation, but this does not mean it isn't 'normal.' I didn't choose to lose both parents and a sibling young, but I did - to rule myself out of being a parent is an added heartache on top of this, selfish maybe but then on that logic, everyone choosing to have a baby is selfish.

No, no confusion here - I do not think it should be considered 'normal' (as in, it is not the norm) to choose to have a child who would grow up without a father, grandparents or, lets be honest, ANY extended family - just one parent and no other blood relatives (to give and receive love).

I feel for you, as you have suffered many losses in your family but could these losses be driving you to make a decision to fill that hole with a child? To re-create a family unit?

babymad wrote: »

I wonder if you would make the same post and suggest I had a termination if I had said in my OP I was pregnant after a short lived relationship, contraception failure and the father didn't want to know? I suspect not - it seems to be the planning that is distasteful in many people's eyes. It's true I can't offer lots of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to my child. I can offer a lot of other things, however, that perhaps others could not. Swings and roundabouts?

But this scenario is totally different - it isn't about an intelligent, busy individual choosing to go it alone with no extended family. To me, yes, it is about the choice and your apparent lack of willingness to accept that a lack of family might impact greatly on your child's quality of life.

skateykatey

A friend of mine, about 8 years ago, wanted a child. She was single, after a disastrous marriage, but didn't let that stop her.

Agewise, she was coming up to 40 so knew that it was now or never time if she was to have a child.

She did get pregnant, the chap concerned probably knew that by sleeping with her that it was going to happen but he did nothing to stop it and she hasn't seen him since. (I am not condoning or encouraging this btw)

The end result is a beautiful little girl who is an absolute delight.

I appreciate that to a large extent she could be considered irresponsible knowingly bringing a child into the world with only parent but that little girl is well loved and well looked after and well adjusted as a result.

My friend has a strong work ethic, has a lot of friends that are more of an extended family. She is also involved in the teaching profession and saw, on a daily basis, children of !!!!less parents and the results of their relentless breeding.

To the OP; I say go for it if you can find a way. One great parent is better than two useless ones.

Yes, your child could be disabled or you could be seriously ill but this can happen to anyone and I've yet to meet a mother who regrets having their child. All parents will tell you that, whatever is thrown to you as a mother or a father, you deal with and you somehow always get through to the other side.
You don't come accross as silly or ditzy and are well aware that parenting is not a walk in the park.

I wish you all the best.

maxamilllion

Hi Babymad,

Youre post has rung alot of bells wilth me. I've had simular thoughts for a couple of years now and our situations dont sound that different.

I'vesome to the decision for myself that I dont want to purposefully bring a child into the world without a father or at least a mle influence. My support network is very limited and it would only take a small change in circumstances for things to go worng. I've therfore decided that apdoption, possibly of an older child will be for me if I dont meet a partner in the next couple of years.

BUT... that is my decision that I've cone to after alot of heart and soul searching and is the right decision for me. Nobody else can tell you what is right for you they can only give you their opinion.
There are quite afew other websites out ther with women who are thinking about it, going ahead with it or have had children this way. If you want the addresses then drop me a message. They helped me to read about it.

Good Luck with your decision

ali-t

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You would be having a child for your own personal gratification - is it fair to impose this life on someone else? Really?

Is this not why anyone has a child? whether it is one parent or two, it is essentially for their own gratification rather than for the good of the wider world or for advances in science or any other reason. People have children because they want to.

babymad_2

Tiddlywinks - I suppose I believe all sorts of things can and do impact on children. I believe lack of extended family will impact to a certain extent but then someone else may have a child and end up with a messy divorce, or having a house repossessed, or anything really! None of us have any idea what's going to happen in the future and since I can't bring my family back, I just have to work with what I've got. After all, even if I was married, my child would still lack maternal grandparents on my side.

Again, I think people want children for all sorts of reasons. I do of course want a family of my own, but I also think I would anyway - I've always wanted to be a parent, from when I was a young child myself. Perhaps that's why I can't really forsee a happy future for myself without a child in it.

Thegirlintheattic - yes, I know the costs of full childcare, and yes, I can cover it, probably easier than some families with two parents working. I inherited a substansial sum from my parents and brother and have a well paid job on top of being mortgage-free.

Gilly - a few times a year I am required to be in school for open evenings and parents evenings: these total 7 times a year. In these instances I would either have to ask friends for help, use a babysitting agency, ask if my child could stay with a colleague's partner, ask a neighbour ... It isn't an insurmountable problem Practically, there are things that can be done: there are always options (if, of course, you are prepared and are able to pay for them.)

I could give birth to triplets, all with some form of disability, and then fall ill and die myself. It isn't very likely, but it is possible. However, I'm not planning a family on the assumption that I will myself drop dead!

annie_d

I am presently having this very conversation with my twenty five year old daughter. It's such a dilemma. The urge to be a mother can be sooooo strong. I think you should go for it. Life will sort itself out. Not MANY of us with children have the life we thought we would have. Good luck x

Mara69

Ultimately, you are considering your wants and needs ahead of those of a potential child. You can dress it up anyway you like, but the child will suffer for the lack of a father or extended family to fill the fatherly gap.

GobbledyGook

babymad wrote: »

However, I'm not planning a family on the assumption that I will myself drop dead!

It is something that as the child's sole relative you should think about though.

Have you investigated the possibility of adopting an older child? In many ways someone who works in a school environment would be a good potential match for a school age or nearing school age child I'd have thought as you'd only require child care for a time before and after school to allow you to get to work and on odd occasions rather than a lengthy time in childcare throughout the holidays.

babymad_2

So - to be clear here - it isn't the lack of a father per se, it is the fact that I have no other family to help support the child?

I don't deny that I am in a sense putting my needs over a child's, but I am not doing so with the expectation that the child will grow chained and cowering in a cellar On the contrary, they will have a lovely home, a very devoted parent and a network of supportive friends.

It does contrast rather sharply with someone planning a baby in a traditional set-up (even if that set-up then subsequently breaks down) - no one (to my knowledge!) decides to offer their eggs a good home! We all have children because we want them - I can't see that I'm being spectacularly selfish in admitting that. And, had I been truly selfish, I would have done this years and years ago as I have felt a real burning desire to be a parent since I was about 27 (I am now 34.)

I am prepared to listen to all possible sides of the argument but I am finding a couple of the more personal responses a little hard to take, when you bear in mind I have asked about the possibility of and have not stated this as an established fact. It would appear, going from the responses, that the answer is 'forget it, because it's hard, expensive and unfair on the child.' Since adoption isn't an option, it looks as if parenthood is not for me.

Thank you for your responses to my thread.